Day 51: Dear diary, what great 50 days it has been. I have got amma lady lunchbox attending me all 160 hours of the day, I don’t really know how many hours there are in a day, I fall asleep a lot, to keep any track of time, you see…
Day 52: Dear Diary, I had my first heartbreak today. I am no more in love with my boyfriend - the fan. We broke up. I asked him where our relationship was heading. He just went on and on in circles. Now that my heart is broken, I don’t think I will find my love again. I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight. (which is something I do every night actually)
Day 53: Diary! I have found the love of my life. He is my new boyfriend - the curtain. He talks to me and tries to reach out to me. I have learnt to coo and all my coos, oohs and aahs will be reserved for my boyfriend – the curtain. XOXO!
Day 54: Daddy Strange guy has been in and out of my life and what he lacks in skill he compensates in his eagerness to please me. All the other people in the house also do their bit. It pleases me to see such a unskilled but willing workforce work for me.
Day 55: Daddy strange man came today and spent first 42 mins kissing me. Okay, it might be lesser, I have no idea how long a minute is. Who wants to be kissed? I want him to clean my potty. It is not going to clean itself now, is it!
Day 57: My nails are so dirty. I need a manicure. I wanted to put my fingers in my mouth the other day and almost stopped - looking at my dirty nails - But of course, I put it in my mouth anyway coz #YOLO
Day 58: Daddy guy eats my fingers every chance he gets. But he doesn’t allow me to do it. I think he’s being selfish. He wants to eat my fingers all by himself.
Day 60: Something annoying happened last night. My tummy was acting up, you know how it is, with a liquid diet… So I summoned daddy guy’s services and after 1 hour of walking me around the house, he sat down – LIKE ON A CHAIR! In the middle of taking me on the walk! I mean how dare he! I created a ruckus and he got up and started to walk again tiredly. But tell you what he is going to think 10 times the next time he wants to sit even in his office chair. #Likeaboss
Day 62: Went to a new house. Apparently daddy strange guy also had a daddy...and a mommy and a house! I am gonna call them aaji-baba, coz they asked me to. Nice chaps. Welcomed me with garlands and balloons. Why u no do this everyday?
Day 63: Amma lady gave me a manicure today. Good. I am pleased. I am having "fingers" for dessert tonight...
Day 66: Dear diary, you wouldn’t believe what I saw today! These adult humans have a window screen on which you can see people dancing and singing. Then there are car chases and fights and so much fun things.
Day 69: Do you have those afternoon naps when you wake up and wonder what year it is? That is every nap of my life.
Day 70: Now that I have found the window, I am wondering why do we need daddy guy. I get much needed entertainment from the window screen. The feeding department is taken care by amma lady lunchbox. The caretaking by other ladies in the house. What is really Daddy guy's function in all of this I wonder!
Day 71: Travelled in a car through lots of dark holes in mountains to arrive at Daddy guy's house in Pune. These guys seem pretty well to do yaar, I wouldnt have thought he was much good for anything...
Day 72: Took a huge dump today. Like a nuclear U298 enriched dump. My room now smells like a mix of baby powder, baby lotion and rotten cabbage. #instapotty
Day 73: Diary, these humans have a day and a night! Who knew! I think night is the time to wake up and day is the time to sleep. I might be wrong… Ha! Who am I kidding, I am never wrong! #SWAG.
Day 74: Attended a wedding today, someone Amma lunchbox knows. Totally stole the bride’s thunder. #babymaid
Day 75: Was talking to my boyfriend the curtain and smiling at his flying stories when daddy guy came in the room. By mistake smiled at him. He was very happy. Next time I smile at Daddy will be when I am 13 years old and need a new dress.
Day 78: Something incredible happened today, diary. Some friends of the adult humans had come and they brought with them a BABY! WHAT? Can you believe it? There are more than one of me? He was very wise and we talked a little and shared notes. He said I should be on my best behavior when adult humans have their friends over and once they are gone we can order them around. I was like – puhleaseee, tell me something I don’t know!
Day 81: Laughed looking at my hand for 15 minutes today. My fingers are so damn funnnnyyyy…
Day 82: Went to the children doctor today. I found more babies there. You know diary, I feel silly now to think tht I was the only baby in the world. Of course, one baby alone cant rule the world like this. We need at least 5-6 babies.
Day 83: Got my first frock today. Aghhh.. About time!! God knows I am tired of those onezies! #fashionista
Day 84: The first few days of my life are a blur. No literally, I couldn’t focus my eyes well. I can focus much better now. Daddy strange guy has a lot more body hair than amma lunchbox. Daddy could never make a chef, they would invariably find at least one hair in every dish. #masterchefbaby
Day 87: Amma lady gives a lot of importance to daddy guy, undeserved of course! They talk to each other for minutes together! Even when my pretty self is right next to them! What is there to talk so much! (Dad: Wait till you reach teenage and I ask you the same thing.)
Day 88: These adult human don’t drink food like I do. They put food in their mouth and gulp it. If I have to point out one reason for babies ruling adults around the world, it has to be their uncouth eating habits!
Day 90: Celeberated my first Vishu at amma lady's place. They call it the new year. What it has been a year already? Seems much less for some reason.
Day 92: Got a injection today. Didn’t cry at all. #fearlessbaby (actually got distracted by the rattle amma lady was rattling)
Day 93: Moushi lady polished me with olive oil. Cried my lungs out. Now I smell like pasta and daddy guy is eating my hand. Go eat some of your uncouth food and gulp it down, DADDY GUY!
Day 95: Daddy guy was making Amma lady laugh. I farted and both of them looked at me and laughed their lungs out. #Lastcomicfarting
Day 97: Diary, it is so hot nowadays. But I don’t like baths. I am in a tough situation here.
Day 98: Slept like a baby last night, which is good coz that’s what I am #funpun
Day 99: I throw a smile or two every now and then at amma lady lunchbox, but not too much lest she get complacent. Very pleased with her work so far. Her life finds meaning because of my smile. #Oshobaby
Day 100: Dear diary, I completed 100 days. I feel like a successful movie. My life really is a disney movie. I am a princess surrounded by simple folk and the curtain prince. Everybody loves me and I of course take advantage of it. Life is beautiful... Now if you excuse me, I have to watch some window screen.
Editor in chief arshat chaudharyCurrent Issues: aamir khan, baby, Dan Piraro, down the memory lane, happy diwali