Hey monkey! Part 1: The MBA monkey...

From the makers of
Comes a new series of stupidity - Say hello to the monkey!

Note: Dont try and find a reason or point of this post. I was too bored. And few of my friends threatened to not pay my CCD bills if I dont write a new post(Okay, these are some things we bloggers say to sound important. Nobody threatened to do anything. Infact people are more than happy that I am not writing any new posts.) so here I am writing a post for you guys(all you bill payers)

The best part of living at the MDI - IDPL hostel is that you get to see wildlife. By wildlife I dont mean Parivesh or Shantanu, but real wildlife - like peacocks and monkeys (again, not parivesh or shantanu) like red-ass, bad-ass, food snatching, gawking (or whatever that they do) dirty, banana eating monkeys.

Now I have nothing against them, my food has never been snatched. But its only coz if I am eating a fruit and a monkey comes within 10 meters radius, I throw the food at him and run for my life. I know all these guys in Mumbai who read my blog must be laughing at me, but I-shit-you-not, these monkeys are like dangerous man... Ask a Delhi friend of yours..

Anyway, so this one morning, I wake up early, I open the door of my room (which btw opens directly onto the terrace- I have a terrace room!) and I see this monkey in meditation mode sitting on the parapet. This is closest that I have gotten to a monkey and quite predictably it scares the shit out of me. Just so as you know I am not lying - Exhibit A - The photograph

I was scared so I started blabbering..

Hey monkey!
Hey mate!
Good monkey! Dont hurt me, monkey.. You want an apple.. Do you?
I dont want an apple... My stomach is upset..
Really? how?
Ate too much at last night's party... Not to mention the constantly changing weather..
Oh.. what was the party for? Oh wait.. a talking monkey!!
It took you three full sentences from my mouth to realise that? Dude you are slow.. anyway, the party was to celebrate our success in business...
Really? But isnt your business called monkey business? hehehhehe.. rotfl..
Gnawk! Gnawk! Will you stop with your stupid jokes already? They are an insult to my intelligence. Can you please grow up now atleast?
Why? Er.. I mean, why now?
You are getting an MBA, people look up to you now..
Really? they look up to me?!
No, they dont, u dumbass.. I was just being nice..
Oh.. darn.. you are a mean monkey
Yes. I am. I need that apple now, or else I will bite you..
Here... have this..
thats a pear... Its green.
Wow.. you guys arent colour-blind like the others..
No, we are not.. infact we are even good at number.. 17x5=85
Wow.. impressed.. I am sure you are good at business.. What is your business anyway?
We are into customer relationship management... You see, we attack guys with food and stuff..
Thats a shit business..
I agree... But our business school rocks!
You have an B-school too? What do they teach you there?
Nothing much.. Languages and stuff.. I, for instance, talk 5 languages.
5? Dude!
Yeah.. English, hindi, spanish, german and french.
Whoa! I am amazed!
Sure.. You should be... You cant speak any one of the above mentioned languages properly.. I bet..
Umm.. well.. but I am sure neither can you. The only words that you can speak in the above languages, I am sure, are related with 'eat', 'hungry' and 'banana'.
Yeah... you are right.. But then I am a monkey! You want a Phd from me?
Oh.. yeah.. sorry... So, how did you get to be so smart?
Well, I studied hard in MBA.
What did you study?
Stuff... Its a very exhaustive course..
Talk bout exhaustive... Mine is damn exhaustive..
So is mine..
I bet you dont have to attend 25 lectures a week..
No I dont.. But I am a monkey! I sit at one place for 1 hour! What more do ya want!
The monkey card again..
And I didnt mean exhaustive in terms of number of lectures.. We believe in quality more than quantity.
Quality? You believe in quality? Arent you like.. a monkey?
So what? We got real good courses.. The ones that will actually help you in life..
Like how to snatch a banana from a 10 year old, how to climb trees fast-I, how to climb trees real fast -II. Part two is real difficult. It took me two years to clear the part two.
Wow.. that does sound tough.. and what else you got?
We have this course on urban snatching of food... its based on our need to expand in the urban areas. Then there is this course on how to meet girls and copulate. Of course, I know all about it, so I skipped it...
Umm.. I hope by 'girls' you mean female monkeys...
Obviously you dumbass... You got a dirty brain..
You know what? We should become friends. That way you can stay in my room. And then I can bring girls over asking them if they want to "see my monkey"... hehehe..
You are such a pervert..
Oh really? And how are you better?
I am not.. I am a monkey, remember?
Darn it... So anyway, what was the point of this talk?
I dunno.. I think you are the one who started talking first..
Yep..go to the top of the post.. I think it was you who was scared and almost pee-ed in his pants and started blabbering stuff..
Oh.. yeah.. man.. a talking monkey! What a day...
Yeah.. a dumb human.. what a day!
Hey! shut up... I am like real smart.. okay..
So you were just acting dumb..
Maybe I was.. just so that you would feel nice..
Hmm.. In that case-thanks. Well, I want to return the favour. I want to help you learn how to get girls as in 'human girls'.
No you idiot.. I am a monkey! What would I know about your women..
You know what? No one knows about our women. Its damn difficult to know what they want..
Its the same everywhere dude...
Hmm.. I understand.
Well, that reminds me, its getting kinda late.. I should head back home to my girl..
Sure.. Go home.. Go see your monkey.. and I wasnt talking metaphorically.. hahhaa
Dude... grow up...

He slowly started walking away. He jumped on the railing and then jumped on to a branch. In no time he was gone.

I picked the newspaper back and went to sleep. I joy of talking to a monkey(I know it sounds weird) was too much for me. When I got up later, the newspaper was still lying outside my door..

Just so that you know that this is a true story - Exhibit B-

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We all need our share of miracles...

We all need our share of miracles to help us believe in ourselves. I got mine.

I remember that day. It was a Sunday or was it? When you have 25 lectures a week, you kinda lose track of time. I got a call in the morning. It must have been a Sunday, I think, coz I was fast asleep at 8 am. On weekdays, we leave our rooms by that time. I think it was Sulabh.

"Oye? Match hai! Ready ho ke aa ja."
"Huh? Match? aaj? Rohit hamessha Sunday ko hi matches kyun rakhta hai bey?"

You can understand my sense of frustation if you have slept for only 5 hours on average through the week and the only day that you get for yourself is taken up by a cricket match you are not even gonna win.

I exibit the kinda of pessimism coz we had already lost the first match. Infact, we had lost by a huge margin. We even gave away the bonus point. This team was team PGPM D.

Now let me give you a tour of my degree course at MDI. I am in the International Management course at MDI. The course is truly international coz I get to study at MDI for 1 year then for 1 year at Paris/Berlin campus. Its a dual degree course. I get one degree from MDI and the other from ESCP France/Germany. International management is by far the toughest course in the country.(This is my blog and I can say whatever I want) It has to be, coz we cover the same syllabus as other Bschools cover in 2 years in 1 year! The result - jam packed schedules, frequent exams, quizzes by the dozen, sleep deprivation and stuff. All programmes all over India have 14 lectures per week. We have 25! For me, IIM and Co are for sissies and little kids. Men come here.

The batch comprises of 30 students. 21 Indians and 9 Foreigners(No, they are not exchange students, they are actually a part of the batch)

Out of 21 Indians, we have 19 boys. So we effectively have like 19 members to make a team, in contrast to other teams who have around 60 guys.

So on this particular day, out of the 19 boys, 10 had left for their homes(cant blame them, they didnt know about the match). We had 9 guys on the campus, out of which a few werent too used to playing cricket. (Cumon, you dont get into MDI if you spend all your childhood playing cricket.. being a nerd pays, I tell you).

So we had 9 guys. But you obviously cant play with 9 players in cricket. You need 11. We searched and finally got hold of Philip, a German classmate who hadnt played cricket ever. But he jumped in and now we had a makeshift team of 10 guys against a team of 11 who beat PGPM D a few days ago.

To stay in the tournament we needed to win this match. Not only win it, we were supposed to win it comprehensively to earn the bonus point. We had to win with a bonus point with a team of 10 players out of which 3 were debutants!

As we entered the field, we started joking that we had great chance to win this. A nervous team always does that. I said to my team mate -

"What if we win today? With the bonus point...!"
"Yeah.. majja aayega na?"
"Main toh bacchon ko kahaniyaan sunaunga iss match ki"
"Kisske bacchon ko?"
"Apanne bachnon ko... unko toh sunni hi padengi na kahaniyaan"
"Oh.. I see.. majboori hai.."
"Saale... "
"We will win this match, then the next , then the semis"
"uske baad finals bhi"
"bas bhai, mazak mat kar"
"shuru kisne kiya?"

But you know what? We won that match... with a bonus point! A small miracle of sorts!

We beat every team after that and kept advancing to the next rounds.

Today we had our finals!

Finals: King of Kricket - MDI '09

We had our midterms till the afternoon. We give one exam ever month, its slowly turning into a hobby. In the evening, we had the match. I had slept for 3 and a half hours the night before. In fact, as I write this, in the last 48 hours, I have slept only for 3 and a half hours. I have no idea how I am I writing this.

A tired but upbeat team- tired beacuse of the numerous lectures we have to attend and the exams we have to give, upbeat coz we were slowly getting used to winning.

We were up against PGPM D. The team that we had lost our only match against. Their team was well rested. They had practiced all week long. We had given mid terms all week long.

We lost the toss and were put to bat. Rohit made sure things were on track right after a slow start. Everybody chipped in and we posted a humongous total of 143 in 15 overs. The total wasnt that humongous we realised later.

We were on to them in the starting over, only to be clobbered in the middle overs. They required 47 in the last 5 overs ith their best batsman on the crease. The last over required them to make 12. An easy task on this ground I would say. Thankfully the bowler and the fielders kept their cool to skew the run to ball ratio to 4 runs in the last ball.

As Ankur ran in to bowl the last bowl, I could sense that he knew we were gonna win this. A bowler has this intution - just before he leaps into his stride - it reveals all. The batsmen missed the ball.

I didnt count, but for like 3 seconds, we didnt celebrate. No yessss, no shouting, yelling etc. We just looked at each other to make sure that we had won. We had to make sure that the cherry on the cake was firmly in place. Small grins exploded into full blown celebrations. The team went beserk. Nobody knew what to do when you with the championships. I went on to grab a stump. I have seen cricketers do it on TV. Then you go hug your team-mates. It takes time to sink in - till someone says - "We are the champions!" And then it kicks in.. like a lightening jolt... Thats what we will be known as for the next one year - no one can take it away from us - WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

About the nervous-funny chat we had before that match, I asked that guy(you know who you are) if he remembered what we thought about winning the tournament a few weeks ago. He said he did. No one gave us a chance... not even us. But we all need our share of miracles to help us believe in ourselves. We got ours... and how!

About the sharing this story with my children, I sure intend to do that.

PS - A special thanks to Ram - our mascot. He made sure he attended all our matches. Call me superstitious, but there is some connection between him and our victories.

PS- PGPM D lost only by 3 runs. Spare a thought for them. But there can be only one winner. And it had to be us.

They had the numbers on their side. They had 60 players to choose from against our 19. A small analysis of their no. of supporters -
At a point - they had more than 25 supporters in the stands. You know how many we had? Only 2! Statistically speaking, they are a far inferior team to IM.
Sorry guys, had a Statistics exam today, hence the analysis. But well played guys. You were against a team who had a lot of heart and a sprinkling of miracles.
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