The TimePass of India

Biological clockitis is a dangerous condition which affects men around the age 25. It can strike anywhere between 22 years and 29 years.

The first case reported can be traced back to stone age. Stoneman Hakunuma, who was 18 and still unmarried, was suffering from severe biological clockitis. Most of his friends had married by 14(this is the stoneage we are talking about) and were proud fathers of 3 kids on an average. Everytime Hakunuma looked at their pretty daughters wearing frocks made of deer skin and earrings made of sea shells, he was struck by Biological clockitis.


I am struck by Biological clockitis. My biological clock is ticking, or so it seems. I see kids everywhere. In my colony, in malls, railway stations, everywhere.. There are times when I wonder where did they all come from all of a sudden.. I keep looking at cute girls in frilly pink frocks and pink hairbands.. Sometimes, rarely that is, I do manage to charm a few of them and get to pinch their cheeks or unruffle their hair, but thats about it.. Most of the times I just keep looking at them

You so want a kid, dont u?
Well, no ones looking, lets take this one..
freaks her out totally..



Symptoms
You look at cute kids even when you are with friends.. Even when they are discussing topics as interesting as Sehwag's receding hairline and its remedies, you cant stop looking at the cute 5 year old kid who just went past you.
You have this unexplainable urge to lift her up and plant a peck on her cheek.
You spend more time looking at cute kids than looking at the pretty one you are with.(Detrimental to your plans of actually having a kid, I tell you)


I dont wanna have a daughter. I want a son. Well before you spell male chauvinist pig, let me explain why..

You see, having a daughter is really tough. Things are alright till they are 12 and usually use adjectives like ewww and yuck for boys, things cant be better, trust me.
But then, they turn 13, yeah, this is one more reason the number 13 is dreaded the world over, hormones kick in and suddenly she starts finding boys interesting, she starts associating the words - cute, cool and butt with boys.

Butt... hmm.. tht reminds me, if internet is still the "in" thing in the year 2025, and if you are the guy whos presently dating my daughter(reading this post), whispering sweet nothings in my daughter's ears, well trust me, I ll kick your butt so hard, that you ll smell shoe leather for weeks..
(Hmm.. that should reduce his testosterone levels for now)

Okay! So let me get this straight - u like these cute girls with ponies and pink clips, but you dont want a daughter?
Correct.. I dont wanna have a daughter. I like these girls coz they are not my daughters. They are someone elses' daughter. I like someone elses' daughter, for example, well, lets say- You.. You are someone elses' daughter, and i like u..
Here he goes again..
Speaking of pink clips, why dont you get one? will look cute...

Causes
Increased estrogen levels.. Simple! I have increased estrogen levels and that is why I am suffering from Biological clockitis. Now dont you dare call me girlie, or call stoneman Hakunuma girlie for that matter. We are/were(since Hakunuma is no more) nice strong men with a phenomenal desire for Scarlett Johanson(yeah baby).



We have decent facial hair growth, though not as much as Suniel Shetty does. We drink directly out of the carton unless our mothers/sisters are present around, coz they dont "allow" us to.

Recommended Diet-
Looking at pictures of Arnold, Suniel Shetty and watching non-sensical movies like Jo bole so nihal is recommended.


Keep away from girls aged 3 to 7, infact use this oppurtunity to concentrate your energies on girls aged 21 to 23..
Dont charm a girl aged 3 to 7 to shake hands with you, never accept a peck on the cheek from pretty girls with pretty pink frocks, and under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you let them sit on your lap. If you do, you will reach the last stage of Biological clockitis and before you know it, you will be applying for Santa's post in Malls..

Treatment
Well, there is no treatment really. The only treatment is to get your own kid.. And that is a long procedure.. Though stealing is an option.. :P So I suggest you wait till your parents start seeing you as a potential grandchildren manufacturer and get you hitched.. or work on the recommended diet to lower your estrogen levels.


Let me try and influence you now- with sons, u get them to teach them swing bowling and kick-boxing. You get to discuss about world issues and Pamela anderson.. You get to play games on PS2 and beat them, you get to beat them at chess and beat them at cricket and monopoly, see? just talking bout it makes me feel better.. Darn, sounds more like I want a playmate than a son.. :P

Now, just to be fair, lets also look at the pros of having a daughter. They are pretty, provided they dont get my looks. They hug you when you come back from office, they tell you how much they missed you and stuff when you come back home from a long business trip. You can make sit on your lap and tell her stories bout princes, glass slippers and pumpkins. Also, its always okay to kiss a daughter, no matter what age she is, which is not so in case of a son, unless you are Italian, ofcourse.

Fathers want their boys to behave like men as soon as they stop pooping in their pants, but their daughters always remain their little girls - thats where the phrase "Daddy's little girl" comes from. Ever heard "Daddy's little boy"? Sounds supergay if you ask me.


The cons are too many.. I spent all my time and genes to help her become what she is, and then some guy comes along and takes her away.. I no longer get to run the show.. No longer am I her #1. Some guy who she met yesterday sweeps her off her feet and gets to keep her all her life. The father, has to live without her. I have seen fathers cry when their girls leave them, to spend the rest of her life with the man shes in love with, to lose her surname and to take up his. They say girls grow up fast. Thats so not true. Girls grow up only as fast as boys, its only that fathers dont want their daughters to grow up.. They always want them to be their small girls... I have seen fathers cry. I cant be them. I cant be them.

_____________________________________

This is lovely father-daughter song. Check it out here. Thanks to Purnima for this one.
Biological clockitis

Its the season of awards.. I have been awarded this new one by one of my favourite bloggers - Bullshee. Now two of my favourite people in the blogworld- Bullshee and Chriz have awarded me. (Note: If you wanna be my favourite ppl, pls award me. It can be any lame award. I dont mind till its an award.)

Obviously, there are rules to every award. For eg. - you dont cry when you receive a national award for your movie, but you are allowed to, infact it is expected of you to cry when you receive a Filmfare.. Anyway, here goes..

How to do this:

a. Put the image on your blog
b. List 10 truths about yourself
c. Give the award to 5 other people
d. Provide meaningful quotation

Tilt your necks.. It says what it says.. Fucking Fabulous Blog.. Gee..My blog is fabulous..

Now before you guys start going chee chee and start thinking of me as someone who goes on rampantly using the F word, well let me tell you that I am very very well-mannered. I dont use the F word. My mechanical engineering mates can now stop laughing. I meant I dont use the word when I am around girls (eg: my mom and my sister). Anyway, now that I have got my award, let me list in 10 truths about myself...

1. I am ALWAYS right.. Yeah.. That is the..er..the truth.. Or atleast I think its the truth. Hmm.. truth is such a confusing word.. Umm.. let us stick to objectifiable truths... so here goes the REAL list..



1. I was a first bencher in my Junior college days (Thats 11th and 12th for you Delhi guys). I topped the class for like 8 exams in a row. I was a geek. So all you guys who look up to me(all 3 of you) for my Stud-liness, well I was pretty ordinary not too long ago!

2. My inspiration for blogging was Gaurav Sabnis. To be honest, I didnt think I would last more than 3 weeks in the blog world. It has been over two years now! Read his old posts, they were fun. The new ones are, well, boring..

3. I have never been able to dedicate myself to working out. I have started and given up a couple of times. I sometimes look at my Hrithik Roshan like well rounded arms and Akshay Kumar like flat abs and wonder if I really need to work out!

4. I have a very very rare taste in women. Only my sister has been able to decode what I like in women. She can look at a girl on TV and tell if I like her. It is difficult coz very few girls catch my fancy.. I got a wide range! - Hrishita Bhat, Alyssa Milano, Dona Ganguly, Nafisa Ali, Revathy, Sonali Bendre, Sonam Kapoor..

5. I only travel Business class. There are some perks you have when your dad works for a Airline co.

6. I wanted to be a doctor till my 11th grade. Then I was introduced to biology(the subject) and gave up the dream for good. I am glad I took this decision, engineering is not that bad... Only regret is that I cant have a "B.E." in front of my name like doctors have a "Dr.". Also I dont get to say something like - "I am sorry.. Humne poori koshish ki, lekin usse nahi bacha paaye". Not to mention that girls dig hot doctors, engineers are too common, aur kyun na ho, today every Tom, Dick and Patil wants to be an engineer.

7. I have a weird memory. All data involving dates, time etc is automatically corrupted as soon as it enters my brain(that explains why I didnt call u on your bday, you know who you are). On the other hand, I remember lyrics of songs from hindi movies from 90s.. For eg- The Prabhu Deva starer - Humse hai Muquabla. I can sing Urvashi Urvashi at 4 o clock in the morning. Infact I was threatened with dire consequences by my society secretary after I did that once...

8. I share my birthday with Sunil Gavaskar and have also met him. I met him at London Airport, back then I didnt know we shared birthdays!
And I taught him to play the pull stroke... er.. okay, thts a lie...

9. I smoked my first cigarette when I was in my last year of engineering... I wanted to find out what the fuss was about. I smoked a couple cigarettes to be doubly sure before I decided that it sucks, literally. I tried beer once, and I think it tastes like horse piss.. (Do I see Bullshee bashing me up?). I like the taste of vodka, essentially coz it got no taste. But even vodka is a waste of money. The first time I had around 180ml of it, nothing happened.. I ended up solving RAC problems all night long and topped the test the next day in college. I think I was a geek even in Engg college. Dunno exactly when I transformed into such a stud.. Hmm..

10. Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies make me all misty.. Yeah, only misty.. Coz I dont cry.. Men dont cry.. They hunt duck, eat raw meat, drink from the carton but they dont cry.
My all time favourite Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies are Life is Beautiful and Wide Awake..


I am done for the day.. Too much honesty there.. I assure you hereon I will only come up with interesting dishonest stuff.. This honesty is too much to handle I tell ya!

Heres giving the award to 5 of my people who I think deserve the award.

Santoshwho I know he will come up with something exciting
Chriz - the nuttiest blogger in town
Nupur has no pretense
Harish who has taken a liking to writing
Anjana - the newest entrant


Now for the (meaningful) quote
The more cheese is there.. The more holes are there...
The more holes are there.. The less cheese is there..
Hence, the more cheese is there.. The less cheese is there.. ;)


Speaking of awards, I have been nominated for the best Mumbai blogger .. Hum aapka vote maangne aaye hain!
If you think this blogger deserves to be in the list please vote. How to vote?
1.Register yourself first (I know, such a pain).
2. Log in here!
3. Vote for your favourite blog here (er..that is my blog I hope!)

The one who votes the most for me gets..well.. er.. a chance to meet me!! that too in private!(yeah baby!)

Take care people! The awards just keep on coming...

Its been ages since I last posted on my blog. There are blogwebs (yeah, I can be funny.. or er.. atleast try to be) hanging around my blog. So I decided to clean up in here.



Short Story

kapli kapli kapli*.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..

In Mumbai, Kites light up the blue sky a week before Sankranti(the festival of kites).... You will get to see all kinds of kites, big, small, the ones with one tail, the ones without tails (the tail is said to stabilize the kite). Among all these kites, was the king of kites. The big red kite with looong tail. It was twice as big as normal mortal kites that we kids had. That big red kite belonged to Tarun.



It was Tarun, who had cut my newest orange kite, after which the slum kids were now running..
*means "Its been cut" in marathi



Tarun lived in a building next to mine. Tarun's kite personified Tarun. Tarun was twice as big as "normal" kids. I was in the 6th grade then and he was in the 8th, but he touched a staggering 6 feet. He had moved in from Aurangabad 3 years ago in the building next to ours.

My friends, Tanay and Sujit both in the fourth grade, two years younger to me, gave me the dope on Tarun.
Tanay told me, "Arre, Aurangabad mein sab log Undertaker jitna tall hota hai"
To this Sujit said, "kya paka raha hai bey, Undertaker world ka tallest aadmi hai"
Clearly Sujit was a Undertaker fan..
Rajesh dada, who was Sujit's elder brother later told me that Tarun had failed 8th grade 3 times, in Aurangabad. Tarun should have been in the 11th grade with him.

Tarun was a bully. And he sucked at football. But always wanted to be the centre forward. While playing he would push the defenders of the opposite team. Once he hit Tanay who was the goalkeeper of my team. I pushed Tarun back, he kicked me on the shin with his studs...I punched him in the gut.. What followed was a round of punching and kicking, mostly him punching and kicking me. We decided to keep him out of all games after that.


The orange kite was the 5th kite that Tarun had cut that Sankranti week. I kept trying to cut his kite, but that seemed next to impossible.. There was a legend that Tarun's red kite could not be cut. He had the same kite since the last 3 sankrantis. Thats 3 years! Tanay and Sujit had some gyan to share on this one too..

"He has 10 more kites of the same colour at home. He cant be using the same kite since 3 years now, can he?", Tanay said
"Arre hes good, I am telling you na.. They teach kite-flying in schools in Aurangabad", Sujit said.
"Nahi re, its the manja* that he uses. Something fishy about it ", Tanay added
"He applies coal tar on it, I have heard", said Sujit.
* kite string

I believed every word they said. Infact they even tried to come up with plans to take the red kite down. Ofcourse, their plans mostly involved spaceships and aliens coming to our rescue..

Meanwhile Tarun kept on taking down my kites. I couldnt stay up for more than 5 minutes. He would close in to my kite and cut it down.



That Diwali, I visited my native. I was there for 10 days or so. Everytime I visit the native, there is Babya to keep me company. Now Babya is atleast 10 years elder to me, but then as it happens in villages, innocence stays with you for a long time. So when I was 13, he must have been 23,but we were great friends. I asked him if he knew how to fly kites.
"Arre champion hoto me" I was a champion he said in his adulterated gavti marathi..
"Will you teach me?"
"Kashala? Manja ne hath kapli na"Why? Manja will cut your hand.

I persisted and he like all good friends was ready to help.

For the next 10 days he taught me all the tricks that there were to learn, my favourite being the 'Dip-n-lift'. In this trick, you have to let go of the manja, let the kite dip and then all of a sudden with all your might pull the manja so that the kite rises up and cuts the string of your competitors kite.. But its a dangerous trick because if not done correctly, you might lose control and consequently your kite. But more importantly, this trick almost always cuts your finger. When I left my native that november night, I gifted him a spool of manja and two kites.


That Sankranti I climbed up the terrace with my two tailed half pink and half yellow kite.. I saw Tarun standing on the terrace of the neighbouring building flying his red kite with the long tail... I checked the direction of the wind as Babya had shown me and then started to fly the kite.. Barely five minutes later I had Tarun's red kite closing in. I tried to escape him.. I wanted to practice the dip-n-lift a couple of times before actually trying it out on Tarun. I tugged the manja towards the left, the kite rushed towards the right away from the red kite. Tarun followed the kite. Again I tugged at the string, my kite drifted towards right.. Again Tarun's kite followed me.

He got on the top of me, ready to cut my new kite... suddenly I let go.. I gave the dheel.. The kite started dipping.. Tarun seemed confused. That was enough for me.. I pulled the manja with all the strength my right hand could gather.. My pink-yellow kite soared into the sky, tearing the air apart, like a rocket does.... and then- snap! I heard it.. I swear I did!

Know when you prick a balloon? It happened to me. I could see Tanay on the terrace of the building far north dancing like there where ants in his pants.. Sujit was with him, he was doing the cartwheel.. I looked down at my feet.. There were two drops of blood.. and then the third one.. my index finger was cut and was bleeding..

I looked at Tarun standing on the adjacent terrace. He looked like he was gonna cry.. I looked at the manja in his hand.. It was slack! Then for the first time, I looked towards the sky... There was my kite!! I did it..!! I cut Tarun's kite..

kapli kapli kapli.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..



P.S. - Inspired from Khalied Hosseini's The kite runner... The kite fighters...

Finally.. Finally an award.. Finally someone recognised my literary genius and decided to award one of my blogposts and the best blog of 2008!

Now I never got an award.. Except the science quiz award in the 7th and the 9th grade. My friends still wonder how I got it since I was one of those guys who thought H2O was a Pub in South Mumbai.. When I got older, I realised H2O is the formula for water. Then I came across H2O2, logic suggested that if H2O is water then H2O2 must be cold water or ice water (btw, its hydrogen peroxide and its got nothing to do with water, warm, cold or otherwise).

Coming back to awards, so I was your regular kinda guy, not many knew my name, especially guys.. They had no idea who I was and what I was doing in their class..

The pretty girls however knew my name, my surname, the colour of my underwear, the pizza toppings I liked the most and stuff like that.. You cant blame them, with my Greek-God like looks and a body which would make Hrithik Roshan seem unfit(you feel an incredible urge to check my orkut profile, dont you?) its only fair that they fell for me!

So where was I? Yeah, the award. I would like to thank my mom, my dad, my sister, cousins and their cousins, my readers(which mostly comprises of my cousins), my net provider mtnl, Mseb, Emran Hashmi and KJo.. thank you all for the inspiration and stuff.. sob* gonna cry..

Jokes apart, Chriz has been one of my first blog mates. I think we started out together, we are almost the same age in blogosphere. The name Chronicwriter fits him perfectly, he writes more posts in one month than I do in 12 months!! The quality of his funny posts is amazing. His popularity can be gauged by the fact that he has over 50 followers on his blog and has more than 1 lakh hits!!



Thank you chriz for this award!
And I also thank my readers whose comments, praise and criticism I highly value. I wouldnt have reached here hadnt it been for you guys!
Cheers! The best blog of 2008..!