Showing posts with label hey dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hey dog. Show all posts

Hey monkey! Part 1: The MBA monkey...

From the makers of
Comes a new series of stupidity - Say hello to the monkey!

Note: Dont try and find a reason or point of this post. I was too bored. And few of my friends threatened to not pay my CCD bills if I dont write a new post(Okay, these are some things we bloggers say to sound important. Nobody threatened to do anything. Infact people are more than happy that I am not writing any new posts.) so here I am writing a post for you guys(all you bill payers)


The best part of living at the MDI - IDPL hostel is that you get to see wildlife. By wildlife I dont mean Parivesh or Shantanu, but real wildlife - like peacocks and monkeys (again, not parivesh or shantanu) like red-ass, bad-ass, food snatching, gawking (or whatever that they do) dirty, banana eating monkeys.

Now I have nothing against them, my food has never been snatched. But its only coz if I am eating a fruit and a monkey comes within 10 meters radius, I throw the food at him and run for my life. I know all these guys in Mumbai who read my blog must be laughing at me, but I-shit-you-not, these monkeys are like dangerous man... Ask a Delhi friend of yours..

Anyway, so this one morning, I wake up early, I open the door of my room (which btw opens directly onto the terrace- I have a terrace room!) and I see this monkey in meditation mode sitting on the parapet. This is closest that I have gotten to a monkey and quite predictably it scares the shit out of me. Just so as you know I am not lying - Exhibit A - The photograph


I was scared so I started blabbering..

Hey monkey!
Hey mate!
Good monkey! Dont hurt me, monkey.. You want an apple.. Do you?
I dont want an apple... My stomach is upset..
Really? how?
Ate too much at last night's party... Not to mention the constantly changing weather..
Oh.. what was the party for? Oh wait.. a talking monkey!!
It took you three full sentences from my mouth to realise that? Dude you are slow.. anyway, the party was to celebrate our success in business...
Really? But isnt your business called monkey business? hehehhehe.. rotfl..
Gnawk! Gnawk! Will you stop with your stupid jokes already? They are an insult to my intelligence. Can you please grow up now atleast?
Why? Er.. I mean, why now?
You are getting an MBA, people look up to you now..
Really? they look up to me?!
No, they dont, u dumbass.. I was just being nice..
Oh.. darn.. you are a mean monkey
Yes. I am. I need that apple now, or else I will bite you..
Here... have this..
thats a pear... Its green.
Wow.. you guys arent colour-blind like the others..
No, we are not.. infact we are even good at number.. 17x5=85
Wow.. impressed.. I am sure you are good at business.. What is your business anyway?
We are into customer relationship management... You see, we attack guys with food and stuff..
Thats a shit business..
I agree... But our business school rocks!
You have an B-school too? What do they teach you there?
Nothing much.. Languages and stuff.. I, for instance, talk 5 languages.
5? Dude!
Yeah.. English, hindi, spanish, german and french.
Whoa! I am amazed!
Sure.. You should be... You cant speak any one of the above mentioned languages properly.. I bet..
Umm.. well.. but I am sure neither can you. The only words that you can speak in the above languages, I am sure, are related with 'eat', 'hungry' and 'banana'.
Yeah... you are right.. But then I am a monkey! You want a Phd from me?
Oh.. yeah.. sorry... So, how did you get to be so smart?
Well, I studied hard in MBA.
What did you study?
Stuff... Its a very exhaustive course..
Talk bout exhaustive... Mine is damn exhaustive..
So is mine..
I bet you dont have to attend 25 lectures a week..
No I dont.. But I am a monkey! I sit at one place for 1 hour! What more do ya want!
The monkey card again..
And I didnt mean exhaustive in terms of number of lectures.. We believe in quality more than quantity.
Quality? You believe in quality? Arent you like.. a monkey?
So what? We got real good courses.. The ones that will actually help you in life..
Like?
Like how to snatch a banana from a 10 year old, how to climb trees fast-I, how to climb trees real fast -II. Part two is real difficult. It took me two years to clear the part two.
Wow.. that does sound tough.. and what else you got?
We have this course on urban snatching of food... its based on our need to expand in the urban areas. Then there is this course on how to meet girls and copulate. Of course, I know all about it, so I skipped it...
Umm.. I hope by 'girls' you mean female monkeys...
Obviously you dumbass... You got a dirty brain..
You know what? We should become friends. That way you can stay in my room. And then I can bring girls over asking them if they want to "see my monkey"... hehehe..
You are such a pervert..
Oh really? And how are you better?
I am not.. I am a monkey, remember?
Darn it... So anyway, what was the point of this talk?
I dunno.. I think you are the one who started talking first..
Nope..
Yep..go to the top of the post.. I think it was you who was scared and almost pee-ed in his pants and started blabbering stuff..
Oh.. yeah.. man.. a talking monkey! What a day...
Yeah.. a dumb human.. what a day!
Hey! shut up... I am like real smart.. okay..
So you were just acting dumb..
Maybe I was.. just so that you would feel nice..
Hmm.. In that case-thanks. Well, I want to return the favour. I want to help you learn how to get girls as in 'human girls'.
Really?
No you idiot.. I am a monkey! What would I know about your women..
You know what? No one knows about our women. Its damn difficult to know what they want..
Its the same everywhere dude...
Hmm.. I understand.
Well, that reminds me, its getting kinda late.. I should head back home to my girl..
Sure.. Go home.. Go see your monkey.. and I wasnt talking metaphorically.. hahhaa
Dude... grow up...

He slowly started walking away. He jumped on the railing and then jumped on to a branch. In no time he was gone.

I picked the newspaper back and went to sleep. I joy of talking to a monkey(I know it sounds weird) was too much for me. When I got up later, the newspaper was still lying outside my door..

Just so that you know that this is a true story - Exhibit B-






Hey monkey! Part 1: The MBA monkey...SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Editor in chief Arshat Chaudhary

Current Issues: , ,
9 letters to the editor  

Hey Dog: The return of the wise one (Part 3)

Part 3 (final and concluding part) of the "Hey Dog" trilogy.(Yeah, just like MATRIX!!)
Read the Part 1 -Hey Dog (The original dog!) here..
Read the Part 2 -Hey Dog (Dog's day out!) here..
Read the Part 3 - Hey Dog (The return of the wise one) here..
(No reference between the three, just like MATRIX!!)

There is this old dog who has made my building's garage his home. He spends the day lazing around, sleeping, wagging flies off his tail.. Sometimes he takes a stroll around the building, to check if everything is right in his kingdom.


Whenever I get out of the house to buy maggi rice noodles (Its addictive I tell you) hes there, looking at me.. As if saying- "Too much noodles is not good for you bow wow.."

Last week he shifted home from the garage to infront of my door. Now he lazes around sitting in front of the door. Whenever I open the door, hes there..

One day while I was leaving home to buy another pack of you-know-what.. I opened the door and stepped out, by mistake I stepped on the dog's tail..

"Bow wow wow.. ", he yelped..
I was confused. I didnt realise I had stepped on its tail..
"Whats wrong? You hungry doggy woggy?", I said (Note: I dont usually talk like tht)
"Bow wow bow wow.."
"Er?"
"Bow wow.. step off my tail you frickin moron!!"
I realised then that my right foot was on his tail.
"I am sooo sorry.. I didnt realise tht.. I didnt.. Dog!!Did you just talk?"
"Bow? Bow wow wow.. Bow wow!"
"Kid me not.. I heard you talking.."
"damn it.. "
"Wow.. A talking dog!"
"Wht do you mean a talking dog? all dogs can talk! All you need to do is step on their tails.." "Really? Step on their tails and they talk??!"
"Yeah.. either that or they bite.. one of the two for sure.."
"Oh.. darn.. Why didnt you bite?"
"I am too bored to bite.. I am old.. Plus I have cavities in my pre-canines.."
"Oh.. sucks.. er.. actually its good.. or else you would have bit me.. I really dont like the fact that when you bite humans the poor souls have to get 7 injections.."
"It was 14 when I was young.. And I think something is wrong with you humans, I have bitten Damnu, changu and mangu.. they never had to take any injections.."
"Oh.. why did you bite them?"
"They were eyeing my fourth wife..Ah..she was a Pomeranian.. I always had a thing for Polish beauties.."
"You guys have 4 wives?!!"
"4 wives and 3 mistresses.."
"3 mistresses? Shouldnt you be calling them you bitch-tresses?! hahahh snort..hahaha.."
"Watch your tongue.. I might be old, but wont take a word against my women.."
"Wow.. and by women you mean bitches.. hahaah.. hehe.. hahahaha.."
"Grrr.." , The dog bared his teeth..
"Sorry sorry.. I wont say a word now.. So, whats with 7 bitches mate? You must be a stud when young.."
"Hmm.. I kinda was, but you know how it is, we get more distinguished with age.. Young bitches want dogs who are well settled and respected.."
"Wow.. Its kinda like that even here.. Case in point : Richard Gere. He gets all the good ones.." "Yeah.. saw his photo in the paper once.. kissing some girl.."
"She was Shilpa Shetty.."
"Yeah.. She won Big Brother in the UK, didnt she?"
"Gee.. You know so much.."
"I used to sleep outside The Times of India in my early years.."
"Wow.. I could use your help.. My GD- PIs are coming up.."
"Anytime mate.."
So it had come down to this, taking a dogs help for mba entrance prep!
"Anyways mate, I gotta go.. have a date..See her there?"
"That white dog?"
"Shes a BITCH you idiot.."
"Oh.. sorry.."
"I dont look at your girl and say - that MAN, do I?"
"Really sorry.. I didnt..er.. look down there.. at her.. er.."
"Dont you dare look there.. or you ll be dog meat... and that dog would be me!"
"I didnt mean to.. er.."
"Dont you see her curvy shape, her lovely doe eyes, even her whiskers are so cute.."
"Er.. I.. I.. I am not much into bitches you know.."
"Anyways, I dont have time for stupid humans like you.. I have a date.."
"What do you do on a date, if you dont mind me asking.. As in, apart from the licking and smelling each other's you know what.."
"Oh, we havent got there yet.. We are just getting to know each other.."
"I see.. So what are you gonna do today? Going some place swanky?"
"Lemme see, first we will chase a few trucks, then maybe cross the road and scare a few drivers, after that I will take her to Hiranandani, some garbage cans they have, I tell you.. You should take your girl there sometime..."
"Umm.. I dont think she will be interested in garbage much.."
"Dont be so sure..!! Shes interested in you!!! bow wow woowwhoww..."
"Dont you have to go chase cars or something?"
"Yeah.. my bitch is waiting.. bye then.."
"Yeah, ..Even I have to buy stuff.."
"Too much Chinese noodles is not good for your health btw.."
"Umm, is it? People in China always eat Chinese food , ofcourse, there they just call it food.. The point being nothing happens to them.."
"They dont grow tall.. Someone like you would be tall, dark and handsome there.. or atleast tall, dark.."
"Hmm.. so I will reduce my noodles intake. Thanks 'wise one'. Can I call you that?"
"Is it sarcastic?"
"Pretty much..."
"Okay."
"bye."
"bow."

As I watched them walk away into the sunset, I couldnt help think of a similar pair in the human context..



Yes, Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty.. mrgreen Hey Dog: The return of the wise one (Part 3)SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Editor in chief Arshat Chaudhary

Current Issues: , , ,
10 letters to the editor  

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