Hey monkey! Part 1: The MBA monkey...

From the makers of
Comes a new series of stupidity - Say hello to the monkey!

Note: Dont try and find a reason or point of this post. I was too bored. And few of my friends threatened to not pay my CCD bills if I dont write a new post(Okay, these are some things we bloggers say to sound important. Nobody threatened to do anything. Infact people are more than happy that I am not writing any new posts.) so here I am writing a post for you guys(all you bill payers)

The best part of living at the MDI - IDPL hostel is that you get to see wildlife. By wildlife I dont mean Parivesh or Shantanu, but real wildlife - like peacocks and monkeys (again, not parivesh or shantanu) like red-ass, bad-ass, food snatching, gawking (or whatever that they do) dirty, banana eating monkeys.

Now I have nothing against them, my food has never been snatched. But its only coz if I am eating a fruit and a monkey comes within 10 meters radius, I throw the food at him and run for my life. I know all these guys in Mumbai who read my blog must be laughing at me, but I-shit-you-not, these monkeys are like dangerous man... Ask a Delhi friend of yours..

Anyway, so this one morning, I wake up early, I open the door of my room (which btw opens directly onto the terrace- I have a terrace room!) and I see this monkey in meditation mode sitting on the parapet. This is closest that I have gotten to a monkey and quite predictably it scares the shit out of me. Just so as you know I am not lying - Exhibit A - The photograph

I was scared so I started blabbering..

Hey monkey!
Hey mate!
Good monkey! Dont hurt me, monkey.. You want an apple.. Do you?
I dont want an apple... My stomach is upset..
Really? how?
Ate too much at last night's party... Not to mention the constantly changing weather..
Oh.. what was the party for? Oh wait.. a talking monkey!!
It took you three full sentences from my mouth to realise that? Dude you are slow.. anyway, the party was to celebrate our success in business...
Really? But isnt your business called monkey business? hehehhehe.. rotfl..
Gnawk! Gnawk! Will you stop with your stupid jokes already? They are an insult to my intelligence. Can you please grow up now atleast?
Why? Er.. I mean, why now?
You are getting an MBA, people look up to you now..
Really? they look up to me?!
No, they dont, u dumbass.. I was just being nice..
Oh.. darn.. you are a mean monkey
Yes. I am. I need that apple now, or else I will bite you..
Here... have this..
thats a pear... Its green.
Wow.. you guys arent colour-blind like the others..
No, we are not.. infact we are even good at number.. 17x5=85
Wow.. impressed.. I am sure you are good at business.. What is your business anyway?
We are into customer relationship management... You see, we attack guys with food and stuff..
Thats a shit business..
I agree... But our business school rocks!
You have an B-school too? What do they teach you there?
Nothing much.. Languages and stuff.. I, for instance, talk 5 languages.
5? Dude!
Yeah.. English, hindi, spanish, german and french.
Whoa! I am amazed!
Sure.. You should be... You cant speak any one of the above mentioned languages properly.. I bet..
Umm.. well.. but I am sure neither can you. The only words that you can speak in the above languages, I am sure, are related with 'eat', 'hungry' and 'banana'.
Yeah... you are right.. But then I am a monkey! You want a Phd from me?
Oh.. yeah.. sorry... So, how did you get to be so smart?
Well, I studied hard in MBA.
What did you study?
Stuff... Its a very exhaustive course..
Talk bout exhaustive... Mine is damn exhaustive..
So is mine..
I bet you dont have to attend 25 lectures a week..
No I dont.. But I am a monkey! I sit at one place for 1 hour! What more do ya want!
The monkey card again..
And I didnt mean exhaustive in terms of number of lectures.. We believe in quality more than quantity.
Quality? You believe in quality? Arent you like.. a monkey?
So what? We got real good courses.. The ones that will actually help you in life..
Like how to snatch a banana from a 10 year old, how to climb trees fast-I, how to climb trees real fast -II. Part two is real difficult. It took me two years to clear the part two.
Wow.. that does sound tough.. and what else you got?
We have this course on urban snatching of food... its based on our need to expand in the urban areas. Then there is this course on how to meet girls and copulate. Of course, I know all about it, so I skipped it...
Umm.. I hope by 'girls' you mean female monkeys...
Obviously you dumbass... You got a dirty brain..
You know what? We should become friends. That way you can stay in my room. And then I can bring girls over asking them if they want to "see my monkey"... hehehe..
You are such a pervert..
Oh really? And how are you better?
I am not.. I am a monkey, remember?
Darn it... So anyway, what was the point of this talk?
I dunno.. I think you are the one who started talking first..
Yep..go to the top of the post.. I think it was you who was scared and almost pee-ed in his pants and started blabbering stuff..
Oh.. yeah.. man.. a talking monkey! What a day...
Yeah.. a dumb human.. what a day!
Hey! shut up... I am like real smart.. okay..
So you were just acting dumb..
Maybe I was.. just so that you would feel nice..
Hmm.. In that case-thanks. Well, I want to return the favour. I want to help you learn how to get girls as in 'human girls'.
No you idiot.. I am a monkey! What would I know about your women..
You know what? No one knows about our women. Its damn difficult to know what they want..
Its the same everywhere dude...
Hmm.. I understand.
Well, that reminds me, its getting kinda late.. I should head back home to my girl..
Sure.. Go home.. Go see your monkey.. and I wasnt talking metaphorically.. hahhaa
Dude... grow up...

He slowly started walking away. He jumped on the railing and then jumped on to a branch. In no time he was gone.

I picked the newspaper back and went to sleep. I joy of talking to a monkey(I know it sounds weird) was too much for me. When I got up later, the newspaper was still lying outside my door..

Just so that you know that this is a true story - Exhibit B-

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11 letters to the editor:

    Haha Hilarious. //Go and see your monkey// rofl =))

    On October 1, 2009 at 12:25 AM     
    Harish said...

    Eeks...monkeys so close to ur room! and the room's strangely way too small!

    On October 1, 2009 at 3:42 PM     
    Urvashi said...

    Hiee..... nice post....Really funny and different...

    U gave out many comments through ur dialogues hmm...Witty Man..!!!! ;)

    Ur sentence "I am eating a fruit and a monkey comes within 10 meters radius, I throw the food at him and run for my life. I know all these guys in Mumbai who read my blog must be laughing at me....." ws a perfect hit.. :D
    I was really smiling bt ur next statement justified wat u said...!!

    Hv a good time wid the Monkeys ..!! Enjoy :)

    hmmm..good post..seems like workload at MDI has taken a bit of magic out of ur posts...best of luck!

    On October 3, 2009 at 7:20 PM     
    Ekam said...

    Hehe. Wow! What a conversation between two intelligent ... ummm.. people :D

    On October 5, 2009 at 1:42 PM     
    marry said...

    Blogs are so informative where we get lots of information on any topic. Nice job keep it up!!

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    On October 11, 2009 at 2:04 AM     
    Nikita said...

    hmmm you are suffering from hallucinations :P
    MBA can do it to people... I have my share of hallucinations too :(

    On October 19, 2009 at 9:36 AM     
    OMKAR said...

    Arshat, it was nail biting blog and when I started I couldn't stop till I finish ... muhahahahaha... One more good thing for u is that I am forwarding this Blog to the makers of Bhejafry, If they dont come out to make movie , I will go ahead and make one movie ASSFRY :D hahahahaha

    On October 25, 2009 at 8:41 AM     
    Rahul said...

    A really side-splitting blog. Just stumbled across your blog and found it really great. A total TIMEPASS :)

    very wittty and nicely written.....i really liked your imagination!

    On November 9, 2009 at 12:26 AM     
    Neha said...

    good one! btw i would like to know what "marry" learnt from ur blog :P