The TimePass of India

Its finally here! The day all of you have been waiting for. Okay, not you, but the day I was waiting for. After seven days (working days) of sleepless nights, my wildchild is here. The Dell Inspiron 1545. For guys who would like to buy something similar, here's the configuration and the price-



Processor: T6400(2.0 Ghz/ 800 Mhz/ 2Mb Cache)
Ram: 3 Gb
Hard disk: 250 Gb
Graphic card: 4500MHD Media accelator (32Mb)
Screen size: 15.6"
Bluetooth: Yes
Card Reader: Yes
Web cam: Yes
Wi-Fi: Yes
Colour: Red (Matt finish)
Price: Rs. 35,800 (Landing price) [Got a small discount]

Now that I have bored you enough, let me bore you a little more. Let me explain to you each and every term that I mentioned above.

Now, had I been yapping infront of a live audience, most of them would be asleep by now, but thats the real beauty of blogspot, I cant see you, so I can yap my way to glory. The last time I tried explaining stuff to my sister, she got so annoyed that she locked me up in the spare bathroom(we have a huge house). I was in there for 3 days. I lost 5 kgs and my biceps are now 26" down from the usual 28".
On second thoughts, I think, I shouldnt be taking the risk of explaining to you guys the basics of computers, simply coz, I have a lot of female readers(all 3 of them), and they might end up doing to me what my sister did so successfully.

But I wish to share with you this incident that happened a few years ago. We- me and my college friend C- (on the rare days we attended college) were sitting in the computer lab in college.
C noticed that the PC's 80 Gb ram was full. Obviously, the official data, data as in Visual basic, C, C++ programs, excel sheets, word files etc was only 214Kb. There were around 50Gb of movies, 10Gb of episodes of 'Police chases gone wrong' and the rest were, well, hidden in the system 32 folder! Why hidden? If you are an engineer, then you know!

So C wanted to save this "important file"- 'comedy scenes from Marathi movies' on the drive. Personally, I dont see the need to watch comedy. Our college and professors provided generous offering of comedy. The file was around 1 Gb. "Disk full" popped up on the screen.

C: Abbe? Kya faltugiri hai! 80Gb hard disk bhi full ho gaya!
Arshat (Me): Aisa kya store kiya hai bey hard disk pe?
Check kar... Phir delete kar
Tere ko yeh comedy scenes kyun store karne ka hai lab PC pe?
Arre nahi toh bahut bore hota hai lab mein..
Already stored hai na movies, woh dekh...
Sab english movies hai... Aur ek bhi comedy movie nahi hai...
Hmm.. (Going through the Pc) Kitna movies hai bey!
50Gb ka movies hai
10 Gb ka Police chases hai
50+10=60. Baki 20 Gb kya hai?
Arre programs, word files, excel files... kaam kiya hoga public ne..
Pagal hai kya? Itna kaam? Yeh dekh 214Kb kaam kiya hai sirf.
Toh baki 20Gb kya hai?
Ruk, files hidden hai..
Yeh kya hai. Saale System 32 ka files hai.
Itna Gb nahi hai System 32.
We played the first "hidden" file.
Shit.. shittt... bannnd kar saaleeee..
Arre ruk na.. ruk na..
Abbe koi aayega toh..?
Arre computer lab hai! Kaun aata hai yahan pe?
Saaleeee... band kar...
Abbe apaan ne thodi load kiya hai yeh sab files... Chal tere liye window chota karke dekta hoon..
The door opened.
Banndd kar saaalleeee...
Saying that I turned the switch of the spike guard off.
The door opened. We feared the worst. What if someone had heard the sound of the hidden movie. The probability of that was low though, the lab was AC and a thick door quarantined the room.
A girl entered. Probably a senior. Maybe from computers. I take this guess coz they had many pretty girls in IT and computers.
Thampi Sir?
Umm.. no, he's not here.
What are you guys doing?
We are working.
But the computer is turned off.
We were going to turn it on.
She gave us a look of suspicion and left.
Chal fir se On karte hain
Shot mat de saale.
Projector connect karte hai kya?
Saaaleeee...

Ah.. lovely days those were. Wonder if they will ever come back. Sometimes I wonder if we should have connected the projector. What would be the maximum penalty if we were caught? Was it worth the risk? How would it be to watch it on a projector? I guess I will never find out.

Anyway, this post got really senti for all the wrong reasons, I meant to write this post to update you on my laptop status(Not tht you care or anything). I have shared so many things with you, thought should share this too!

I make it sound like I am getting married!

Update: Inspite of the gentleman that I am, I forgot to thank all my friends who helped me zero in on this laptop - Hiren aka Lamda, Rishikesh Bhise, Chaitanya Aathyle, Ameya Sohoni, Nupur.. Thank you guys. You rock :) Yours is here: Dell Inspiron 1545

[Prologue: This post might be disturbing]

I woke up startled! "Physics is freaking awesome!" I said to myself.
Was it a dream?
I had slept on my physics text book. The page 152 of the book was wet from my drool. It was a lazy afternoon and I must have dozed off while studying. My back was sore. I guess I slept in an unnatural position. The human body wasnt made to sleep on a study table with your Physics text book as your pillow.

But IIT entrance exams make you subject your body to a lot of inhumane stuff - like sleeping at 1 in the night and getting up at 6 in the morning, solving whole calculus problems in your sleep, skipping lunch and sometimes dinner to stay awake... Last night I slept for 3 hours instead of the usual 5 hours. My IIT-JEE(mains) exams were round the corner. I had it all planned. Engineering from one of the IITs, then MBA from one of the IIMs, then job at an American investment bank, Mercedes at 28, BMW at 33, a terrace flat downtown at 35. Its funny how well we plan our life. I had everything planned for the next 20 years when I didnt know what was going to happen in the next 20 minutes!

It was mid-May. It was around 7 in the evening. I looked out of the window. It was golden brown outside. It was lovely! There were dark clouds in the sky and the May Sun beat down on them to create nature's own soft light bulb.

I looked at my drool drenched Physics text book. It wasnt fair. I was just 18. These are the greenest years of my life... and I was spending them reading books and learning formulae. This is so damn unfair. I have to get away from all this. I got up, took my bike keys and opened the door and slammed it shut.

I put in the key and started the bike. I realised I had forgotten to take the helmet with me. Damn it, I thought. I was going on a short ride, I dont need a helmet. I raised the accelerator, to kick the bike out of inertia

Page 109:
Inertia: Inertia is the resistance offered by a body when subjected to a change in its state of rest or of uniform motion.

Too much Physics does that to you. You start finding Physics in every damn thing.

It started to rain. Sparse but large golden droplets started to fall from the gold of the sky. It was like gold melting and falling down onto earth in small gold droplets.

I took the highway. I increased my speed. My hair were getting wet. The smell of wet soil was in the air. The water droplets hit my face, hurting it. Suddenly, I felt alive.

I see a truck trying to take a U turn, I apply the brake gently. A film of water formed on the tar road reduces the friction.

Page: 123
Friction: Friction is a force that resists the relative motion between two surfaces in contact.

I press the brake completely, but the bike wont stop. It skids on the wet frictionless road. I lose my balance. I fall on the wet tar road, the bike drags me along with it. It wont stop. It wont stop. Still no panic. The bike pulls me with it along the tar road, bringing me precariously close to the tyre of the truck.

The truck driver must have applied the brakes, but the momentum(mass x velocity) of the 50,000 kilogram truck kept it going.

Page: 146
Momentum: A measure of the motion of a body equal to the product of its mass and velocity.


It went going and going...till it came close to my head, till I could see the threads on the tyre, till I could smell the cow dung on the huge rubber tyre, and then...

Crunchhh...

What the ?? What happened to Newton's Third law of motion?!

Page 152
Newton's Third law of motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction!

If the truck exerted 50,000g (where g=9.8m/sec sq.) of force (Action), my head should exert that much force back (Reaction)! But that didnt happen now, did it? Newton was an idiot.. The third law of Newton sucks.. Just then it strikes me! Newtonian laws are applicable to perfectly rigid bodies. My skull isnt perfectly rigid... not even close! My brain lied splattered on the wet tar road. Broken pieces of skull stick to the tyre.

I thought to myself- Physics is freaking awesome!

[Note:It rained in Mumbai today] Physics is freaking awesome!

Okay. So now that I have my own interview published, I am allowed to act all high class bad attitude scumbag. As you know, bad behaviour begins at home. So I tried my high class attitude with my sister first. She was talking on the phone and laughing loudly. I was watching TV and was getting disturbed(I take my TV seriously!), so I went to her and in my best English accent said -
"Could you please keep it down a little eh?"
She was probably surprised at my politeness or confused with my accent coz she only managed to say-
"What?"
"Oh.. you see sis, I was watching this exhilarating documentory on the Italian delicacies and the intricacies of wine tasti..."
She hit me with a pillow before I could complete my sentence and shoved me out of the room. I returned back to TV, I was watching Ben10 btw, not some wine tasting documentary!

The point being, I was brought back to earth by that pillow hit. Also, I lost my english accent. If you lesser mortals(some attitude is still left, one more pillow hit please) are wondering why I am acting like high class British pommie, well, that is coz I have a interview published on pakspectator.com. That is a real site! How cool am I!

You can read the full interview here.

Some excerpts from the Interview.

My name is Arshat Chaudhary. I am 23 years of age. I am a humour-romance blogger living in Mumbai. I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I worked for the German giant Siemens for a while. I will be starting my course in MBA the next month. Feel free to read my blog at http://thetimepassofindia.blogspot.com/
Kindly leave comments if you like something. Take care. Have fun.

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

I am a Mechanical engineer from the prestigious(I have been paid to say that) SPCE in Mumbai.. I will be joining one of the top Bschools in a country the next month.
Though humour is one of the key ingredients of my blogposts, I dont have a specific theme for blogging.. My blogposts are pretty random just like everything else in my life..

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

I feel I have improved as a writer over the years (I make it sound like I am Stephen King). I have been writing since 2 years. When I look at my older posts I think I have become more mature- I mean as a writer- as a person I am still as immature as I was 12 years ago.

I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There are quite a few. From friends messaging me at 2 in the night to tell me how much they loved a certain post to complete strangers sending me emails about how much they love me.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

My booker prize winning writing skills!!- hehehe. I think my site looks snazzy and messy at the same time. I designed it myself, which explains the messy part. Since I write about random issues, every post is a surprise. The readers dont know what to expect. That surprise element keeps them hooked.

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I wrote this post - Raka Calling. It is by far the most loved post on my blog.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

Personally, friends start respecting you at a level. Note that I said at a level, that means they still pull your leg and crack jokes at your expense, but deep inside they know you are not the talentless, jobless, lazyass they thought you were.
On the professional front, your boss begins to feel you have a lot of free time, and starts giving you more work.

Pakspectator.com is a pakistani site which deals with the problems in Pakistan. Well, if you are wondering how come a paki site approached me for an interview, then let me tell you I am quite popular there. I am sort of minor celebrity there. I receive a dozen fan mails from pakistan everyday. I ll share a few with you.

One of my favourites is this one by Inzamam ul Haq. It is written in Punjabi English. I am reproducing it without any changes.











"Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim. Oojee Wahdhiya interview diyasi. The boys did very well. And Inshallah you will succeed. Aasi feeling very jealous ji. You getting calls at 2 am from friends? I get no calls. Sada Afridi bhi call nahi karda aajkal. Challo koi baat nahi ji. Tussi blog likhte rehna. Kabhi kavar urdu mein bhi likho yaar, samajhne ke liye aasani hogi. English blog read karte time hasne ki acting karni padti hai. Put in the big effort and deliver the results all the time."

There is this other one by Maulana Radio from the beautiful Talibanised valley of swat. This post is in Pashto. If any one knows that language, kindly translate.

"Al habibi mukhta yelak pathan, yaari hai emaan mera yaar meri zindagi, Al rahman, jai ho, laden ah, hussien ah, kabhiz ka baccha, off with your head, ak-47 killing machine, al mazar coca cola nikhtar band coldplay, stop free press, panjar shiktah wab minsulaa, your interview sucks, ya habibi, kaho na kaho, yeh aanken bolti hai, o sanam o sanam, al sahitya neh buzkashi tel ka kuaon behrak muret sijalbuddin zakir shahid afridi shohaib akhtar moin khan javed miandad."

Read the above lines very carefully. I would say read it aloud. I think they liked my "interview" and want to make me the "head" of their organisations. But that is my interpretetion. What do you guys think? My interview : I am famous!

The problem with female friends is that they are like a feet or two shorter than you, but still manage to bully you to do something you dont want to. Anjana gave me this award. As you know I am pop-puh-lur, and get a lot of awards. I had received a similar award from bullshee. But the nice guy that I am(when it comes to girls), I will take this up again.



Now this award is called Honest Scrap. When I first read it, I read honest Crap. So anyway, I am gonna try to come out with 10 truths about myself. Btw, for all those guys who look up to me (all 3 of you) and would like to know more truths about me, go to this page .

So here goes.

1. I love walking. On 26th July, when half of Mumbai was under water, I walked from Kurla station(what a lovely place!) to Mulund East. Thats around 20km for you. I have also walked from Vikhroli station to Airoli, more on that when I get my next award.

2. My favourite team in IPL is Kolkatta Knight Riders. I am now among the 8 fans of KKR. (Note that fans doesnot include team members, coach, owner etc.)

3. A few years ago, I didnt believe in sun signs. I mean, how can there be only 12 kinds of people in the world?!!
But the females in my life (includes mom, sis, neighbour, maasi, granny etc.) were bent upon changing my perception.
Today, I do agree that certain traits of certain Sun signs are similar. Anjana is a old friend, and a fellow cancerian. I realised that she thinks a lot like me. Same is true for Kunal too. Kunal is my friend from engg. Aanchal, is my blog friend, her writings always touch a chord with me. I was going through her blog the other day, and had this sudden urge to go to her orkut profile to check her birth date- turns out she's a Cancerian !
[Note to all my Engg mates: Dont go around sending friend requests to these sweet girls on orkut. Despo kahin ke! You can send friend requests to Kunal if you like though. :P]

4. A Brand new truth - For the past week months I have been making a list of the Sun Signs of my favourite people. (I am jobless, I have time.)
Now I had a feeling that I like taureans a lot apart from Cancerians of course. But we have to keep cancerians out of this list coz I am a cancerian and its easy to like people who are like you. Plus we all know crabs are too awesome to compete with the rest of the signs(What have I turned into!)
So, the point being, I knew I liked taureans, but I still needed one small push to establish that fact.
I checked Hrishitaa Bhatt's birthday - Taurean she is.

5. Bad novels, books, etc inspire me.
Like after reading Tushar Raheja's Anything for you ma'am, I felt I can write a novel.
Like after watching Delhi 6, I felt I can make a movie..
But thankfully I am not making a movie(yet), so you can relax. I cant promise the same about writing a novel though!

6. I take a lot of time to shop for stuff. Before you wonder about my estrogen levels, well, they are just fine, or nil, whatever is the norm. What I meant was, I spend a lot of time finding that perfect value for money before I swipe my card(I have a card.. how cool am I!). For instance I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite some time now, I spend 1 hr everyday looking for laptops. I try to compare them for value. Btw, if any of you readers own a laptop, kindly guide me through your comments. I intend to buy a dell, but I am open to hp, lenovo, vaio etc.

8. My favourite brand is Reebok. I think its value for money. (All I have to do now is collect my commission from Reebok. What's their contact number now?)
Btw, I own a pair of red Reebok shoes! Yeah! red!!
[Note :I am not gujju]

9. As you guys know, I never brag (hehehe) but I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs. I remember too many songs, especially from the 80s and 90s era. I also remember jingles, ads etc.... Its unhealthy I tell you. But useful nevertheless, especially if you have a girl whose face lights up every time you sing these songs..

10. I never cried to school. For me school was always fun. I used to wonder why other kids cry. Men dont cry! I guess I always had a healthy flow of testosterone through my veins. That reminds me, I have to shave now.

Phew... too much honesty for the day. From now on the posts are gonna be completely dishonest.

While we are still honest, try finding truth #7 above. More truths about me!

I have nothing to write.
Have no inspiration lately.

I open blogger wanting to write something and end up staring at the blank screen for hours like a loser...


Loser se yaad aaya, what has gotten into Kolkatta Knight Riders? Suddenly, I have new found respect for Ricky Ponting. How did he manage to win all those matches with an ass for a coach(John Buchanan).


Ass se yaad aaya, what is wrong with Imran Hashmi.. aaj-kal koi movie nahi aa rahi bande ki.. He has done more movies in the last 5 years than what Aamir Khan has done in his two decade old career.

Note that, it was Aamir Khan who held the record for maximum kisses (on screen of course) and he was conviniently replaced by Imran in his debut year.


Debut se yaad aaya, Varun Gandhi made quite a debut in Politics in and as "Pilibhit ka goonda". He went overboard with his anctics, gave communal speeches which made LK Advani and Narendra Modi sound secular. Its almost certain that Pilibhit is voting for Varun this Loksabha elections. Next LS elections we can wait for his next movie - "The return of the goonda".


Goonda se yaad aaya, did you guys know Gulshan grover is the brand ambassador for the apparels chain - "The loot".

I mean, what were the Marketing guys thinking? How could you have someone whos every third line is - "Baaaad maaan" as your brand ambassador. Wouldnt it make more sense to have someone like Ranbir Kapoor or Imran Khan as your brand ambassador if you are selling clothes? The truth is, Gulshan Grover himself doesnt like clothes much, if he did, he wouldnt rip them off the heroine in evey fifth movie. Gulshan Grover selling clothes is like Rishi Kapoor selling annual memberships for Talwalkars gym.


Gym se yaad aaya, dont you think Mayawati should join a gym. Shes getting real big and disfigured, not to mean that she was as figure-y as Madhuri Dixit when she was young, but she really needs a workout. If she reads this blog(which in all probability she does considering my popularity) she is bound to say



"Abbe budbak, main UP ki CM hoon.. Koi nahi aayega mere aur mere khaane ke beach."
"Beach? But ma'am as far as I know there is no sea or beach in UP!"
"Abbe gadhe, there is a beach.. Playground ke beachon beach."

Hehehe... er.. sorry you had to hear a joke that bad. I am a little low on intelligence(I meant today, usually I am okay). But seriously, she needs to workout. Shes turning into the symbol of her party. Arre the symbol of her party is Elephant. Itna bhi nahi jaante (Kya jhakaas knowledge hai na mera Mayawati ke baare mein!).


Elephant se yaad aya, Ramesh Powar just gained a few more pounds. Had I been the owner of Kolkatta Knight Riders, I would buy Powar for 8 crore rupees. I think hes by far the best player in IPL right now. He can single handedly win matches. How? Here goes my strategy. But this strategy works only when KKR bat first.-

Send Powar to open. That McCulluam is an idoit. Gayle-Powar should open. Make Powar run on the pitch. The pitch will crumble under his weight. When we come to bowl we have a minefield of a pitch. Make Powar open the bowling too. On a cracked pitch even Murli Karthik can be fatal, toh Powar ki toh baat hi alag hai. Powar will end up picking up 10 wickets in 4 overs.


Powar se yaad aaya, do you guys remember which bat Sachin Tendulkar used before he started using MRF ka balla? Yes guessed it right! Power!

Sachin used to feature in print ads of Power, he also used to feature in that Action shoes wala comercial - "Joota hai ya light.. joote main hai light!" Do you know who was the girl in that commercial? Socho socho.. shenaz!! Yeah, that Ishq Vishq wali girl.. She played Shahid Kapoor's girlfriend, second girlfriend actually.. The first one was that Parkinsson disease wali girl, whats her name, yeah, Amrita Rao, she shakes her head a lot when she delivers her dialogues, next time, kindly note.


Note se yaad aaya, MBA education is very costly yaar.. Majak-majak mein bahut kharcha hone wala hai. And because of this recession I am not even sure if I will be able to recover the money that I have put in. The condition is bad for guys like me who have all their earnings in white. Now only if I had done some ghootala or something, I would have a lot of black money to splurge...


Black se yaad aaya, Obama (I am so racist ) should come up with something to resurrect this recession thingy. He should take our PM's help if necessary, afterall Manmohan singh is by far the best Finance minister we had.

If Obama can have a cup of tea with him, they will definitely come up with some solution. All we need is some Tea, marie biscuits and some baat-cheet...


Baat se yaad aaya, I have to take a bath.. Bahut din ho gaye..


Warnings:
1.Reading this post can cause temporary neuron damage. What? You already read it and are cursing your friend who recommended you this blog? Please dont, your friend's intentions were good, mine werent!
2.This blog takes no responsibility for the low marks scored by Delhi students(rest of India is done with exams) due to the brain damage caused by this post. Title se yaad aaya...