The TimePass of India

Last week I watched Outsourced on Star Movies. I just happened to arrive on the channel when the movie was just starting.

To be honest, I expected a Slumdog from Outsourced. Fortunately, I was wrong. In the first 15 minutes of the movie, there is a scene in which the central character Todd(the superb Josh Hamilton) is trying to catch a train running along the platform with his heavy suitcase. Another guy starts running along with him, picks up his suitcase, and helps Todd get in the train. Knowing the gora's idea(Danny and Co's idea actually) of India and its people I expected him to run away with the suitcase then and there. When he respectfully places the suitcase in the compartment running along the platform, I couldnt help feel ashamed of myself, that I thought like that about a fellow Indian. I also felt bad that I had so conveniently thought that all firangs were narrow-minded idiots.

I am not much of a movie person. My idea of heaven is a huge plasma TV with all sitcom titles available on a hard drive. But 15 mins into Outsourced, and I knew I had a movie on my hands.

The movie is hilarious. It is essentially a situational comedy. This movie is about Todd (whom the Indians call Mr.Toad) who gets an assignment of training his counterpart in India. How he first resists India and at last falls in love with her forms the plot. But its not the story but the characters, the screenplay and the brilliant dialogues which make it enjoyable.

Like this one -
Indian : What is your good name sir?
Todd(bewildered): Good?
Most Indians will get the joke. We say - "aapka shubh(good) naam kya hai?".We very conveniently convert the hindi into english, word by word!

Then there is this scene about holi, when Todd's Indian colleague asks him not to come out of his house...
Todd: But why?
Colleague: Because today is holi, sir!
Todd: Holy what?
Colleague: Only holi!! The festival of colours.
What follows after that is fun.. teenagers throwing water balloons at Todd and him throwing back a few of his own.

Outsourced does a marvellous job of staying away from cliches, characters are excellently sketched, its difficult to find caricatures in this movie.

There is fantastic scene where Asha(Ayesha Dharker), who plays a bpo agent, has to sell a product to an American.
American customer: I lost my job because of you.
Asha: Well, I cant do anything about it sir, but if you want I can give you the website of a company which has its customer service agents in the US and offers the same product.
Am customer: Well, would the price be the same?
Asha: No sir, it will be $212 more.
Am customer : What the heck, send me your product.

Man, it does sound very kiddie at first, but when you think about it, its so damn cool!

The problem with Slumdog Millionaire was that it treated India as a Third World country. I have no problems with that. We are that, accepted. But we are not only that! Theres is a lot more to this country than slums, beggars, people who scoop childrens eyes out, slumlords, slumlords who become real estate barons, bpo agents who leave their seat to dial Kaun Banega Crorepati's number.. I am sure there are people like that. But there is a small number of people like that.

In a country like India, even exceptions run into millions.

Maybe slumdog was a story of those millions but the way it projected India made it sound like there were a billion slumdogs in this country. Everyone who is reading this post in their college or in the comfort of their homes or in an internet cafe know thats not true.

A friend once asked me what place I would like to visit atleast once in my life...I said I wanted to visit Sweden. Now I know no more about Sweden than Danny Boyle knows about Mulund, but I really wanna visit that country. The reason being that I read real nice things about the place in the book - "Catch me if you can" by Frank Abagnale Jr. There are about 15 lines about Sweden in there, and you fall in love with the place.

You know one place that I was scared of? - Rio De Janeiro. I saw the movie Cidade de Deus which is about the mafia in Rio. It took Dhoom 2 to change my perception about the place.

Doesnt Outsourced have its own share of slums and slumdogs? Yes it does.
There is a scene in the first 30 mins of the movie where a slum kid steals Todd's cellphone. My sister and my mom, who were watching the movie, clucked their tongues feeling bad at the way a kid was shown stealing. But the kid returns the cellphone in the end, not only that he decorates it with coloured designs.

Todd falls in love with India, like most Indians do.. Even the ones who keep saying - "is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta", "sab chalta hai", guys who travel in local trains during rush hour, executives who lose precious time stuck in traffic, a beggar at a traffic signal, a couple who cant hold hands coz there are too many people around, a student who applies for MS in the US, an Indian who currently stays in the US but still longs to return - everyone.. everyone.. once in their life, falls in love with this beautiful country.

And so does Todd.. When he gets called over to have lunch in the slum, when his manager brings special American food for him coz his stomach is upset due to all the Indian food, when the slumkid returns his decorated cellphone, when he falls in love with Asha - everytime..., he falls in love with India.

I hoped Slumdog wouldnt win the Oscar. But then it won. I have no problems with it winning the oscar, except this -
20 years down the line, my 15 year old son is gonna come to me and rave about how cool the 1997 Oscar winner Titanic is!!
"Hey Pop! Saw Titanic last night.. 1997 Oscar winner aint it?"
"Yeah, its really cool.. Its a classic"
"I wanna see the 2008 Oscar winner now- Slumdog Millionaire"
I was wondering what would I say - Would I ask him not to watch it coz the movie is a skewed depiction of us or Would I allow him to watch it coz a man needs to form his own opinions.
And what if I do allow and he comes to me asking me - "Pop! You lived in Mumbai right? India was such a Shithole!!"
I would want to tell him that, thats the way a group of smart asses in the West perceived us back then, but not everyone did. If you want to see India through the eyes of unbiased westerner, and dont mind the fact that a bunch of bozos found his view too unscandalous to give it any award - go watch Outsourced

SM will do to people what Cidade did to me. Thankfully Outsourced is around to change their perception.



"Outsourced" soup for the "slumdoged" soul!

When I was very young, probably in the fourth or the fifth grade, my dad would pack me downstairs with a small bucket full of water balloons to play holi with my friends. Now as far as I remember, I was a shy guy (arre sacchi!). I didnt have many friends. So while all the other kids would be busy colouring each other, a drawing class gone wrong, I would wonder how to enter the colour fest. I mean how do you go about throwing water balloons at people you dont know very well. I used to stand in the corner wondering how to get into the commotion. After half an hour of standing there, I would turn around to go back home, but just so that I dont look like a complete loser to my dad, I would throw a few balloons on cars, and a few on myself, to look the part. Then I would return home, soaked in the colour of three balloons I splashed myself with, take a bath and have puranpoli for lunch.

What I didnt know is that my dad used to watch me from our third floor apartment, while I went on throwing balloons on cars and drenching myself in colour. He didnt say a word.


My best holi were the ones I played with my cousins. The night before the holi day, we sat in the bathroom stocking ammunition. I filled balloons with water using my new nagraj brand pichkari, while Aroop expertly tied knots to the balloons. He had names for all types of knots. Floppy knot, army knot, super knot..
"Arre main aisa knot bandhega na, Michael Jackson bhi nahi khol paayega", Aroop used to say.
"Michael Jackson kaun hai?", I asked. I didnt have cable then. My favourite shows included Phulwari bachon ki on DD1.
"Abbe Michael Jackson nahi malum? kya dance karta hai bey woh.."
Its amazing how highly kids thought of him. And who can blame them, I mean of the 6.5 billion people in the world, how many have turned snow white from jet black?
Aroop(I know you are secretly reading this), you were such a showoff! :P But not his mistake entirely if you ask me, this is what cable Tv did to a lotta boys during the 90s.


Our colony, had two cricket groups the "bade log" and the "chotte log". My problem was that I fell in the age group which was common to both. But I chose to play in the chotte log, coz they played underarm cricket and I didnt know how to bowl overarm then and also it was easier to win there. What? Dont judge me! I like to win!

I shifted base to bade log at the start of the 7th std. I had taken a liking to overarm cricket inspite of the fact that I was terrible at batting and couldnt bowl 6 legitimate deliveries without giving away 20 extras. Anyhow, it was Bablu, who was usually the captain of my side, who had deep rooted confidence in me. How else do you explain a newbie bowler like me getting the first over in every match. As I excelled in the following years, it was as much as a triumph for him as it was for me. I have opened bowling several times now, even so for my team in college, but it still doesnt compare with the thrill that I used to experience when Bablu tossed me the ball.
Over the years I have taken Bablu's place and tried to do for kids like Debu and Nachiket what Bablu did for me. Its such a high to see them grow into such good players.


During my engineering, holi became just another holiday. Last year when I worked with Siemens, it ceased to be even that. I spent the that holi in the office. Ofcourse we did throw a little customary colour around. Too bad our German boss took a leave that day (clever fellow), we had decided to give him a taste of Indian festivities (if you know what I mean). So we spent the day working a little and forwarding mails a lot, which is good thing, coz the next day I had my friends (who worked in Indian companies which were more considerate to their needs of soaking themselves in colour on holi) send me queries like -
"Dude? yesterday wasnt a holiday??"
To which I replied - "Nahi re, was in the office. "
"hehe, dude!! no holiday on holi-day?? hehe he"(yeah, thats the level of jokes we crack)
"No re, had to work.. Have to finish this project before the German boss leaves for home. If I dont the assembly line in Berlin will have serious problems. Thousands of euros down the drain I tell you."
"Doood!!!"
He was in deep awe. He must have thought that I was the VP (Assembly lines) Siemens AG. Here, it should be noted that he was an IT guy and for him assembly lines was pretty much the lines we stood in before the morning prayer back in school.
But I did hear him telling my other friends - "Abbe! Arshat kaam karta hai bey!!"(his eyes and the eyes of the one hearing this statement as big as saucers)


Last confession - I will be celebrating this holi with my cousins, it gonna be fun. I know for a fact that Aroop's favourite isnt MJ any more. So I wont get any - "Abbe Michael Jackson nahi malum? kya dance karta hai bey woh..". He might ask me questions on Metallica though- showoff I tell you :P
My dad is abroad so he wont be joining us. But I would be cool even if he was there. Coz now whatever happens, I wont splash myself with balloons to look the part...

Happy Holi everyone.






















My 2007 holi post here
Of Holi and that confession thingy

Biological clockitis is a dangerous condition which affects men around the age 25. It can strike anywhere between 22 years and 29 years.

The first case reported can be traced back to stone age. Stoneman Hakunuma, who was 18 and still unmarried, was suffering from severe biological clockitis. Most of his friends had married by 14(this is the stoneage we are talking about) and were proud fathers of 3 kids on an average. Everytime Hakunuma looked at their pretty daughters wearing frocks made of deer skin and earrings made of sea shells, he was struck by Biological clockitis.


I am struck by Biological clockitis. My biological clock is ticking, or so it seems. I see kids everywhere. In my colony, in malls, railway stations, everywhere.. There are times when I wonder where did they all come from all of a sudden.. I keep looking at cute girls in frilly pink frocks and pink hairbands.. Sometimes, rarely that is, I do manage to charm a few of them and get to pinch their cheeks or unruffle their hair, but thats about it.. Most of the times I just keep looking at them

You so want a kid, dont u?
Well, no ones looking, lets take this one..
freaks her out totally..



Symptoms
You look at cute kids even when you are with friends.. Even when they are discussing topics as interesting as Sehwag's receding hairline and its remedies, you cant stop looking at the cute 5 year old kid who just went past you.
You have this unexplainable urge to lift her up and plant a peck on her cheek.
You spend more time looking at cute kids than looking at the pretty one you are with.(Detrimental to your plans of actually having a kid, I tell you)


I dont wanna have a daughter. I want a son. Well before you spell male chauvinist pig, let me explain why..

You see, having a daughter is really tough. Things are alright till they are 12 and usually use adjectives like ewww and yuck for boys, things cant be better, trust me.
But then, they turn 13, yeah, this is one more reason the number 13 is dreaded the world over, hormones kick in and suddenly she starts finding boys interesting, she starts associating the words - cute, cool and butt with boys.

Butt... hmm.. tht reminds me, if internet is still the "in" thing in the year 2025, and if you are the guy whos presently dating my daughter(reading this post), whispering sweet nothings in my daughter's ears, well trust me, I ll kick your butt so hard, that you ll smell shoe leather for weeks..
(Hmm.. that should reduce his testosterone levels for now)

Okay! So let me get this straight - u like these cute girls with ponies and pink clips, but you dont want a daughter?
Correct.. I dont wanna have a daughter. I like these girls coz they are not my daughters. They are someone elses' daughter. I like someone elses' daughter, for example, well, lets say- You.. You are someone elses' daughter, and i like u..
Here he goes again..
Speaking of pink clips, why dont you get one? will look cute...

Causes
Increased estrogen levels.. Simple! I have increased estrogen levels and that is why I am suffering from Biological clockitis. Now dont you dare call me girlie, or call stoneman Hakunuma girlie for that matter. We are/were(since Hakunuma is no more) nice strong men with a phenomenal desire for Scarlett Johanson(yeah baby).



We have decent facial hair growth, though not as much as Suniel Shetty does. We drink directly out of the carton unless our mothers/sisters are present around, coz they dont "allow" us to.

Recommended Diet-
Looking at pictures of Arnold, Suniel Shetty and watching non-sensical movies like Jo bole so nihal is recommended.


Keep away from girls aged 3 to 7, infact use this oppurtunity to concentrate your energies on girls aged 21 to 23..
Dont charm a girl aged 3 to 7 to shake hands with you, never accept a peck on the cheek from pretty girls with pretty pink frocks, and under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you let them sit on your lap. If you do, you will reach the last stage of Biological clockitis and before you know it, you will be applying for Santa's post in Malls..

Treatment
Well, there is no treatment really. The only treatment is to get your own kid.. And that is a long procedure.. Though stealing is an option.. :P So I suggest you wait till your parents start seeing you as a potential grandchildren manufacturer and get you hitched.. or work on the recommended diet to lower your estrogen levels.


Let me try and influence you now- with sons, u get them to teach them swing bowling and kick-boxing. You get to discuss about world issues and Pamela anderson.. You get to play games on PS2 and beat them, you get to beat them at chess and beat them at cricket and monopoly, see? just talking bout it makes me feel better.. Darn, sounds more like I want a playmate than a son.. :P

Now, just to be fair, lets also look at the pros of having a daughter. They are pretty, provided they dont get my looks. They hug you when you come back from office, they tell you how much they missed you and stuff when you come back home from a long business trip. You can make sit on your lap and tell her stories bout princes, glass slippers and pumpkins. Also, its always okay to kiss a daughter, no matter what age she is, which is not so in case of a son, unless you are Italian, ofcourse.

Fathers want their boys to behave like men as soon as they stop pooping in their pants, but their daughters always remain their little girls - thats where the phrase "Daddy's little girl" comes from. Ever heard "Daddy's little boy"? Sounds supergay if you ask me.


The cons are too many.. I spent all my time and genes to help her become what she is, and then some guy comes along and takes her away.. I no longer get to run the show.. No longer am I her #1. Some guy who she met yesterday sweeps her off her feet and gets to keep her all her life. The father, has to live without her. I have seen fathers cry when their girls leave them, to spend the rest of her life with the man shes in love with, to lose her surname and to take up his. They say girls grow up fast. Thats so not true. Girls grow up only as fast as boys, its only that fathers dont want their daughters to grow up.. They always want them to be their small girls... I have seen fathers cry. I cant be them. I cant be them.

_____________________________________

This is lovely father-daughter song. Check it out here. Thanks to Purnima for this one.
Biological clockitis

Its the season of awards.. I have been awarded this new one by one of my favourite bloggers - Bullshee. Now two of my favourite people in the blogworld- Bullshee and Chriz have awarded me. (Note: If you wanna be my favourite ppl, pls award me. It can be any lame award. I dont mind till its an award.)

Obviously, there are rules to every award. For eg. - you dont cry when you receive a national award for your movie, but you are allowed to, infact it is expected of you to cry when you receive a Filmfare.. Anyway, here goes..

How to do this:

a. Put the image on your blog
b. List 10 truths about yourself
c. Give the award to 5 other people
d. Provide meaningful quotation

Tilt your necks.. It says what it says.. Fucking Fabulous Blog.. Gee..My blog is fabulous..

Now before you guys start going chee chee and start thinking of me as someone who goes on rampantly using the F word, well let me tell you that I am very very well-mannered. I dont use the F word. My mechanical engineering mates can now stop laughing. I meant I dont use the word when I am around girls (eg: my mom and my sister). Anyway, now that I have got my award, let me list in 10 truths about myself...

1. I am ALWAYS right.. Yeah.. That is the..er..the truth.. Or atleast I think its the truth. Hmm.. truth is such a confusing word.. Umm.. let us stick to objectifiable truths... so here goes the REAL list..



1. I was a first bencher in my Junior college days (Thats 11th and 12th for you Delhi guys). I topped the class for like 8 exams in a row. I was a geek. So all you guys who look up to me(all 3 of you) for my Stud-liness, well I was pretty ordinary not too long ago!

2. My inspiration for blogging was Gaurav Sabnis. To be honest, I didnt think I would last more than 3 weeks in the blog world. It has been over two years now! Read his old posts, they were fun. The new ones are, well, boring..

3. I have never been able to dedicate myself to working out. I have started and given up a couple of times. I sometimes look at my Hrithik Roshan like well rounded arms and Akshay Kumar like flat abs and wonder if I really need to work out!

4. I have a very very rare taste in women. Only my sister has been able to decode what I like in women. She can look at a girl on TV and tell if I like her. It is difficult coz very few girls catch my fancy.. I got a wide range! - Hrishita Bhat, Alyssa Milano, Dona Ganguly, Nafisa Ali, Revathy, Sonali Bendre, Sonam Kapoor..

5. I only travel Business class. There are some perks you have when your dad works for a Airline co.

6. I wanted to be a doctor till my 11th grade. Then I was introduced to biology(the subject) and gave up the dream for good. I am glad I took this decision, engineering is not that bad... Only regret is that I cant have a "B.E." in front of my name like doctors have a "Dr.". Also I dont get to say something like - "I am sorry.. Humne poori koshish ki, lekin usse nahi bacha paaye". Not to mention that girls dig hot doctors, engineers are too common, aur kyun na ho, today every Tom, Dick and Patil wants to be an engineer.

7. I have a weird memory. All data involving dates, time etc is automatically corrupted as soon as it enters my brain(that explains why I didnt call u on your bday, you know who you are). On the other hand, I remember lyrics of songs from hindi movies from 90s.. For eg- The Prabhu Deva starer - Humse hai Muquabla. I can sing Urvashi Urvashi at 4 o clock in the morning. Infact I was threatened with dire consequences by my society secretary after I did that once...

8. I share my birthday with Sunil Gavaskar and have also met him. I met him at London Airport, back then I didnt know we shared birthdays!
And I taught him to play the pull stroke... er.. okay, thts a lie...

9. I smoked my first cigarette when I was in my last year of engineering... I wanted to find out what the fuss was about. I smoked a couple cigarettes to be doubly sure before I decided that it sucks, literally. I tried beer once, and I think it tastes like horse piss.. (Do I see Bullshee bashing me up?). I like the taste of vodka, essentially coz it got no taste. But even vodka is a waste of money. The first time I had around 180ml of it, nothing happened.. I ended up solving RAC problems all night long and topped the test the next day in college. I think I was a geek even in Engg college. Dunno exactly when I transformed into such a stud.. Hmm..

10. Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies make me all misty.. Yeah, only misty.. Coz I dont cry.. Men dont cry.. They hunt duck, eat raw meat, drink from the carton but they dont cry.
My all time favourite Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies are Life is Beautiful and Wide Awake..


I am done for the day.. Too much honesty there.. I assure you hereon I will only come up with interesting dishonest stuff.. This honesty is too much to handle I tell ya!

Heres giving the award to 5 of my people who I think deserve the award.

Santoshwho I know he will come up with something exciting
Chriz - the nuttiest blogger in town
Nupur has no pretense
Harish who has taken a liking to writing
Anjana - the newest entrant


Now for the (meaningful) quote
The more cheese is there.. The more holes are there...
The more holes are there.. The less cheese is there..
Hence, the more cheese is there.. The less cheese is there.. ;)


Speaking of awards, I have been nominated for the best Mumbai blogger .. Hum aapka vote maangne aaye hain!
If you think this blogger deserves to be in the list please vote. How to vote?
1.Register yourself first (I know, such a pain).
2. Log in here!
3. Vote for your favourite blog here (er..that is my blog I hope!)

The one who votes the most for me gets..well.. er.. a chance to meet me!! that too in private!(yeah baby!)

Take care people! The awards just keep on coming...

Its been ages since I last posted on my blog. There are blogwebs (yeah, I can be funny.. or er.. atleast try to be) hanging around my blog. So I decided to clean up in here.



Short Story

kapli kapli kapli*.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..

In Mumbai, Kites light up the blue sky a week before Sankranti(the festival of kites).... You will get to see all kinds of kites, big, small, the ones with one tail, the ones without tails (the tail is said to stabilize the kite). Among all these kites, was the king of kites. The big red kite with looong tail. It was twice as big as normal mortal kites that we kids had. That big red kite belonged to Tarun.



It was Tarun, who had cut my newest orange kite, after which the slum kids were now running..
*means "Its been cut" in marathi



Tarun lived in a building next to mine. Tarun's kite personified Tarun. Tarun was twice as big as "normal" kids. I was in the 6th grade then and he was in the 8th, but he touched a staggering 6 feet. He had moved in from Aurangabad 3 years ago in the building next to ours.

My friends, Tanay and Sujit both in the fourth grade, two years younger to me, gave me the dope on Tarun.
Tanay told me, "Arre, Aurangabad mein sab log Undertaker jitna tall hota hai"
To this Sujit said, "kya paka raha hai bey, Undertaker world ka tallest aadmi hai"
Clearly Sujit was a Undertaker fan..
Rajesh dada, who was Sujit's elder brother later told me that Tarun had failed 8th grade 3 times, in Aurangabad. Tarun should have been in the 11th grade with him.

Tarun was a bully. And he sucked at football. But always wanted to be the centre forward. While playing he would push the defenders of the opposite team. Once he hit Tanay who was the goalkeeper of my team. I pushed Tarun back, he kicked me on the shin with his studs...I punched him in the gut.. What followed was a round of punching and kicking, mostly him punching and kicking me. We decided to keep him out of all games after that.


The orange kite was the 5th kite that Tarun had cut that Sankranti week. I kept trying to cut his kite, but that seemed next to impossible.. There was a legend that Tarun's red kite could not be cut. He had the same kite since the last 3 sankrantis. Thats 3 years! Tanay and Sujit had some gyan to share on this one too..

"He has 10 more kites of the same colour at home. He cant be using the same kite since 3 years now, can he?", Tanay said
"Arre hes good, I am telling you na.. They teach kite-flying in schools in Aurangabad", Sujit said.
"Nahi re, its the manja* that he uses. Something fishy about it ", Tanay added
"He applies coal tar on it, I have heard", said Sujit.
* kite string

I believed every word they said. Infact they even tried to come up with plans to take the red kite down. Ofcourse, their plans mostly involved spaceships and aliens coming to our rescue..

Meanwhile Tarun kept on taking down my kites. I couldnt stay up for more than 5 minutes. He would close in to my kite and cut it down.



That Diwali, I visited my native. I was there for 10 days or so. Everytime I visit the native, there is Babya to keep me company. Now Babya is atleast 10 years elder to me, but then as it happens in villages, innocence stays with you for a long time. So when I was 13, he must have been 23,but we were great friends. I asked him if he knew how to fly kites.
"Arre champion hoto me" I was a champion he said in his adulterated gavti marathi..
"Will you teach me?"
"Kashala? Manja ne hath kapli na"Why? Manja will cut your hand.

I persisted and he like all good friends was ready to help.

For the next 10 days he taught me all the tricks that there were to learn, my favourite being the 'Dip-n-lift'. In this trick, you have to let go of the manja, let the kite dip and then all of a sudden with all your might pull the manja so that the kite rises up and cuts the string of your competitors kite.. But its a dangerous trick because if not done correctly, you might lose control and consequently your kite. But more importantly, this trick almost always cuts your finger. When I left my native that november night, I gifted him a spool of manja and two kites.


That Sankranti I climbed up the terrace with my two tailed half pink and half yellow kite.. I saw Tarun standing on the terrace of the neighbouring building flying his red kite with the long tail... I checked the direction of the wind as Babya had shown me and then started to fly the kite.. Barely five minutes later I had Tarun's red kite closing in. I tried to escape him.. I wanted to practice the dip-n-lift a couple of times before actually trying it out on Tarun. I tugged the manja towards the left, the kite rushed towards the right away from the red kite. Tarun followed the kite. Again I tugged at the string, my kite drifted towards right.. Again Tarun's kite followed me.

He got on the top of me, ready to cut my new kite... suddenly I let go.. I gave the dheel.. The kite started dipping.. Tarun seemed confused. That was enough for me.. I pulled the manja with all the strength my right hand could gather.. My pink-yellow kite soared into the sky, tearing the air apart, like a rocket does.... and then- snap! I heard it.. I swear I did!

Know when you prick a balloon? It happened to me. I could see Tanay on the terrace of the building far north dancing like there where ants in his pants.. Sujit was with him, he was doing the cartwheel.. I looked down at my feet.. There were two drops of blood.. and then the third one.. my index finger was cut and was bleeding..

I looked at Tarun standing on the adjacent terrace. He looked like he was gonna cry.. I looked at the manja in his hand.. It was slack! Then for the first time, I looked towards the sky... There was my kite!! I did it..!! I cut Tarun's kite..

kapli kapli kapli.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..



P.S. - Inspired from Khalied Hosseini's The kite runner... The kite fighters...

Finally.. Finally an award.. Finally someone recognised my literary genius and decided to award one of my blogposts and the best blog of 2008!

Now I never got an award.. Except the science quiz award in the 7th and the 9th grade. My friends still wonder how I got it since I was one of those guys who thought H2O was a Pub in South Mumbai.. When I got older, I realised H2O is the formula for water. Then I came across H2O2, logic suggested that if H2O is water then H2O2 must be cold water or ice water (btw, its hydrogen peroxide and its got nothing to do with water, warm, cold or otherwise).

Coming back to awards, so I was your regular kinda guy, not many knew my name, especially guys.. They had no idea who I was and what I was doing in their class..

The pretty girls however knew my name, my surname, the colour of my underwear, the pizza toppings I liked the most and stuff like that.. You cant blame them, with my Greek-God like looks and a body which would make Hrithik Roshan seem unfit(you feel an incredible urge to check my orkut profile, dont you?) its only fair that they fell for me!

So where was I? Yeah, the award. I would like to thank my mom, my dad, my sister, cousins and their cousins, my readers(which mostly comprises of my cousins), my net provider mtnl, Mseb, Emran Hashmi and KJo.. thank you all for the inspiration and stuff.. sob* gonna cry..

Jokes apart, Chriz has been one of my first blog mates. I think we started out together, we are almost the same age in blogosphere. The name Chronicwriter fits him perfectly, he writes more posts in one month than I do in 12 months!! The quality of his funny posts is amazing. His popularity can be gauged by the fact that he has over 50 followers on his blog and has more than 1 lakh hits!!



Thank you chriz for this award!
And I also thank my readers whose comments, praise and criticism I highly value. I wouldnt have reached here hadnt it been for you guys!
Cheers! The best blog of 2008..!

Its here!!!!

The BIG DADDY of all polls.. from Aaj tak to IBN 7, this poll beats them all.. er.. kuch jyada toh nahi ho gaya?

But seriously.. after entering the data for your favourite movies, finding the average and then ranking them, I have come up with the TOP 10 hindi movies of this Millennium..

The people who participated in the poll range come from differnt walks of life.. from catwalk to rampwalk, from slumdog to millionaire, from Hrithik Roshan to Harman Baweja..er.. I hope you get the point.

The people who voted for their favourite movies includes Engineers, Phds, dentist, a few MBA blokes, and a few other essesntially jobless people like me (yeah, I have voted too!)


The Methodology (Transparency mangta hai!)
Before we start the listing, lemme tell you how I did it! (no rocket science this!) I took in all your entries and gave them points according to their Ranks.. For eg -
1. XXX (no, not tht kinda movie, this is just an eg)
2. YYY
.
.
10. ZZZ

I gave 1 point to the movie ZZZ, YYY got 9 points, while XXX got 10 points... In the end all the points were added and divided by the number of entries to get the average score.. (Did I bore you guys? Well, I got 98.37 in CAT, wht did u expect? :P) Obviously the max score by any movie will not be more than 10 (considering the same movie tops every list)

So here goes the list.. In countdown fashion...


#10
Rock On!
Year of Release: 2008
Points scored: 2.17



Rock on!!!! Hai yeh waqt ka ishaaara... I havent seen this movie, but the very fact that it has managed to notch the #10 spot just on the dum-khum of its theatre performances alone(I dont think it has been released in a big way on TV) says a lot about the calibre of this movie..

I was pestered a lot by my female friends to watch this movie, but then I argued that it was fun for them to watch a bunch of topless guys jump into the lake and stuff.. All us guys were left with was Prachi Desai (who is she anyway?). But still, its commendable that Rock On has is on the list, even though movies like Jaane Tu.. havent even found a place on the Top 15..

Rock on! Farhan Akhtar makes an appearance on this countdown, definitely not for the last time...

#9
Black
Year of Release: 2005
Points scored: 2.35



Beating Rock On by a very small margin is the artsy movie - B-L-A-C-K.. Power packed performances by Amitabh Bacchan and Rani Mukherjee made this movie appear on the #9 spot.. Sanjay Leela Bhansali went one step ahead of his Khamoshi (Salman khan, Manisha Koirala) stunt and made the female lead- blind, deaf and mute.. It gave enough scope to Rani to showcase her talent..

Back in 1998 when KKHH was released, if anyone said that the girl in the short yellow skirt will do a role like that, I would have thrown my caramel popcorn(what? guys cant like caramel?) at his Goddamn face...

All in all, good movie, and gives a chance to AB to make an appearance..

#8
Hera Pheri
Year of Release: 2000
Points scored: 2.47



Know whats a classic? This is!! Hera Pheri is to school going kids today what Andaz Apna Apna was for our generation.. (Shit that makes me sound old! )

Hera Pheri is truly a classic.. You can watch it again and again and again.. never gets old.. It was a breakthrough movie for all the actors.. Paresh Rawal wouldnt be charging more than what Bobby Deol charges for two movies had it not been for his Baburao Ganpatrao Apte role.. "Uthalele re baba.. aare mujhe nahi, enn dono ko!" he haw haw.. rotfl
It made Akshay Kumar what he is today.. Had it not been for this movie he still wud have been doing his "Churake dil teraaa.. goriya chali..." routine.. after the song there wud be a fight where akki wud show his Bankok-trained-martial-arts-kicks.. After that a rone dhone wala scene then again a song.. and so on and so forth..

This movie made Suniel Shetty what he is today..er.. to be honest, hes the only one who hasnt benefited much from this movie.. but for his acting skills hes still God damn famous..

All in all, for me, one of Indias funniest movies..



#7
Lagaan
Year of Release: 2001
Points scored: 2.76



It hurts.. It hurts to see a movie of such calibre come up so low down the order..

It hurt when it didnt win the Oscars.. If Slumdog millionaire (more on it later) wins an Oscar for best movie, I will sue the firangi judges.. If Slumdog wins an Oscar for best music for Rahman, I say he should get atleast 5 more Oscars for his past work..

Bhuvans team beat the Firangs in an impossible match, but the firangis took revenge and beat them at the end.. (I am mad at them.. that is why I make no sense).

Aamir Khan, Rehman, Ashutosh Gowariker.. all of them make the first appearance on the countdown..

Lagaan... Goosebumps! Whatta movie..!


#6
Swades
Year of Release: 2004
Points scored: 3.06



Surprise! Surprise! And a pleasant one! It was Ashutosh's very next movie after Lagaan and all of us had high hopes.. I guess we were expecting a cricket match at the end of this one too.. Girls didnt wanna see SRK looking like a geek.. Thats the problem with the actor.. Hes always SRK.. that has never been Aamir's problem.. When hes Bhuvan, hes Bhuvan.. But with SRK thrs always that persona that makes him SRK - the star.. that cant be too good for an actor, never is!

Swades is by far the weakest box office performer on this top 10, but the fact that people like it this much to place it on #6 speaks volumes bout this movie..

Btw, there is this scene in the movie where SRK is travelling in the train back to Kaveri umma's place, the train halts at a station.. A kid with a really heavy pot of water is pacing up and down the platform.. Hes selling water at 50 paise per glass, SRK being the NRI drinks bottled water.. but for that kid he makes and exception.. That is pretty much the scene where he becomes truly Indian.. I started respecting Srk the actor after that..



#5
Jab we met
Year of Release: 2007
Points scored: 3.17


Are you kidding me? Comeon now? This is a good movie, but at #5? really?

There is this thing actors have.. When they are involved off screen, the chemistry dies on-screen.. thats what happened with Shahid-Kareena all this while..

Once they broke up, they gave us Jab we met! Its a cute movie, really is, but #5, really?

Chalo aacha hua, issi bahane Shahid and Kareena made an appearance on the Top 10..



#4
Rang De Basanti
Year of Release: 2006
Points scored: 3.35



Ting Ting Tinga Ting.. basanti... Rahman again! Aamir again! Very different from the movies you normally get to see.. I still dont know what I feel for this movie.. I mean I dunno if I support what the movie protrays or not.. But one thingI know for sure, it captured the imagination of the youth...

I distinctly remember to-be doctors took to the streets when reservations were introduced for medicine seats.. I remember how they took the blows the police dealt them.. And when those photos came out in the papers next day, one could see the bravery that these 20 something doctors showed for their rights.. RDB in that sense is a classic..



#3
Chak De India
Year of Release: 2007
Points scored: 4.29



The BIG 3... The reason why I call the top 3 - BIG, is coz of the difference in the scores. Look at #4 and #3.. The difference in the scores is almost 1 point.. That shows these 3 movies are a class apart.. They are on the list of almost everyone who polled..

Chak De! Very similar to the Hollywood movie miracle.. But it had a surreal feel to it.. Among India's best underdog movies.. It made celebrities of the 11 girls who played the roles of hockey players.. SRK with all his newly built muscle-chusle played the coach who was once the captain of the Indian Hockey team..

It had everything to keep us interested..


#2
Taare Zameen Par
Year of Release: 2007
Points scored: 4.47



Again Aamir Khan makes an appearance.. But this film clearly belonged to Darsheel Safary.. The kid clearly needs braces, but can act.. I mean think bout sharing screen time with Aamir.. it gotta be tough yaar..

It made the girls go aawww.. It made the mummies cry.. Hard hearted men, who spent half their lives duping people hurried to the loo to cry there where no one saw them.. And yeah there were a few emotionally dyslexic ones who couldnt get what the big deal bout being dyslexic was!! Abhishek Bacchan was dyslexic.. and he turned out fine..er.. well.. almost.. Cant be sure after the Drona debacle.. How come Drona didnt make it to the list? :P

#1
Dil Chahta Hai
Year of Release: 2001
Points scored: 5.29



The baap of all movies big and small.. Guess what? Aamir again!! Farhan makes a re-entry.. And even Akshaye Khanna gets to be on the list.. I mean who wud have thought that..

The success of this movie is evident from the fact that it is the only movie with an score of over 5 points!! Only 10 % of the total voters didnt have DCH on their lists.. rest all did!

Cult Classic is what is DCH! The weird thing bout Aamir is that out of all the movies he has done after 2000, only Fanna and Mangal Pandey dont feature on the list.. In his defence, he does only one movie per year.. Emran Hashmi has done more movies than Aamir has for crying out loud!!

All in all.. DCH is a movie we will watch with our kids and even they will identify with it (hopefully).

Some interesting facts:
* Sandhya, Harish and Aditi had 7 movies out of the Top 10 on their lists. Sandhya and Harish are among my closest friends! Its weird how similar they are! But the closest among them was Sandhya, around 12 points, its almost as if she knew what the list is gonna be like!!!
Update : Neeraj got 8 movies right.. so that makes him the closest to the final list.. Sorry Sandhya, move over, we have a winner!! (Counting mistake ho gaya tha.. my bad!!)
* Why hasnt Emran Hashmi made the list?
* There were around 40 movie nominations.. Such varied people had participated!
* Why hasnt Emran Hashmi made the list?
*Shweta had the least common list.. Only two of her TOP 10 matched the final Top 10
* A wednesday came in 11th (Thought it deserved a special mention)
* #12 .Sarkar
#13. Lage Raho Munnabhai
# 14. Kal ho na ho
12, 13, and 14 had the same scores (1.47) the ranks were then finally decided based on the number of lists they had found mention on.. sarkar was on 7 lists, lage raho on 5 and kal ho na ho on 4 (Kal ho na ho? sersly? I have too many girls voting :P)
* Why hasnt Emran Hashmi made the list?

Special Thanks :
* To Shruti for reminding me that today is the day that I had to post the Top 10 list. Its 3 am in the morning as I write this..
* To Purnima for that amazingly long and interesting mail explaining why particular movies were on your list and why a few others werent..
* To Everyone who took their time out to vote..
* To Emran Hashmi for..er.. well... you just make us laugh man!!! Dil royee ya Illahi.. tu aaja mere maahi... Top 10 movies (2000-2008)