The TimePass of India

[Prologue: This post might be disturbing]

I woke up startled! "Physics is freaking awesome!" I said to myself.
Was it a dream?
I had slept on my physics text book. The page 152 of the book was wet from my drool. It was a lazy afternoon and I must have dozed off while studying. My back was sore. I guess I slept in an unnatural position. The human body wasnt made to sleep on a study table with your Physics text book as your pillow.

But IIT entrance exams make you subject your body to a lot of inhumane stuff - like sleeping at 1 in the night and getting up at 6 in the morning, solving whole calculus problems in your sleep, skipping lunch and sometimes dinner to stay awake... Last night I slept for 3 hours instead of the usual 5 hours. My IIT-JEE(mains) exams were round the corner. I had it all planned. Engineering from one of the IITs, then MBA from one of the IIMs, then job at an American investment bank, Mercedes at 28, BMW at 33, a terrace flat downtown at 35. Its funny how well we plan our life. I had everything planned for the next 20 years when I didnt know what was going to happen in the next 20 minutes!

It was mid-May. It was around 7 in the evening. I looked out of the window. It was golden brown outside. It was lovely! There were dark clouds in the sky and the May Sun beat down on them to create nature's own soft light bulb.

I looked at my drool drenched Physics text book. It wasnt fair. I was just 18. These are the greenest years of my life... and I was spending them reading books and learning formulae. This is so damn unfair. I have to get away from all this. I got up, took my bike keys and opened the door and slammed it shut.

I put in the key and started the bike. I realised I had forgotten to take the helmet with me. Damn it, I thought. I was going on a short ride, I dont need a helmet. I raised the accelerator, to kick the bike out of inertia

Page 109:
Inertia: Inertia is the resistance offered by a body when subjected to a change in its state of rest or of uniform motion.

Too much Physics does that to you. You start finding Physics in every damn thing.

It started to rain. Sparse but large golden droplets started to fall from the gold of the sky. It was like gold melting and falling down onto earth in small gold droplets.

I took the highway. I increased my speed. My hair were getting wet. The smell of wet soil was in the air. The water droplets hit my face, hurting it. Suddenly, I felt alive.

I see a truck trying to take a U turn, I apply the brake gently. A film of water formed on the tar road reduces the friction.

Page: 123
Friction: Friction is a force that resists the relative motion between two surfaces in contact.

I press the brake completely, but the bike wont stop. It skids on the wet frictionless road. I lose my balance. I fall on the wet tar road, the bike drags me along with it. It wont stop. It wont stop. Still no panic. The bike pulls me with it along the tar road, bringing me precariously close to the tyre of the truck.

The truck driver must have applied the brakes, but the momentum(mass x velocity) of the 50,000 kilogram truck kept it going.

Page: 146
Momentum: A measure of the motion of a body equal to the product of its mass and velocity.


It went going and going...till it came close to my head, till I could see the threads on the tyre, till I could smell the cow dung on the huge rubber tyre, and then...

Crunchhh...

What the ?? What happened to Newton's Third law of motion?!

Page 152
Newton's Third law of motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction!

If the truck exerted 50,000g (where g=9.8m/sec sq.) of force (Action), my head should exert that much force back (Reaction)! But that didnt happen now, did it? Newton was an idiot.. The third law of Newton sucks.. Just then it strikes me! Newtonian laws are applicable to perfectly rigid bodies. My skull isnt perfectly rigid... not even close! My brain lied splattered on the wet tar road. Broken pieces of skull stick to the tyre.

I thought to myself- Physics is freaking awesome!

[Note:It rained in Mumbai today] Physics is freaking awesome!

Okay. So now that I have my own interview published, I am allowed to act all high class bad attitude scumbag. As you know, bad behaviour begins at home. So I tried my high class attitude with my sister first. She was talking on the phone and laughing loudly. I was watching TV and was getting disturbed(I take my TV seriously!), so I went to her and in my best English accent said -
"Could you please keep it down a little eh?"
She was probably surprised at my politeness or confused with my accent coz she only managed to say-
"What?"
"Oh.. you see sis, I was watching this exhilarating documentory on the Italian delicacies and the intricacies of wine tasti..."
She hit me with a pillow before I could complete my sentence and shoved me out of the room. I returned back to TV, I was watching Ben10 btw, not some wine tasting documentary!

The point being, I was brought back to earth by that pillow hit. Also, I lost my english accent. If you lesser mortals(some attitude is still left, one more pillow hit please) are wondering why I am acting like high class British pommie, well, that is coz I have a interview published on pakspectator.com. That is a real site! How cool am I!

You can read the full interview here.

Some excerpts from the Interview.

My name is Arshat Chaudhary. I am 23 years of age. I am a humour-romance blogger living in Mumbai. I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I worked for the German giant Siemens for a while. I will be starting my course in MBA the next month. Feel free to read my blog at http://thetimepassofindia.blogspot.com/
Kindly leave comments if you like something. Take care. Have fun.

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

I am a Mechanical engineer from the prestigious(I have been paid to say that) SPCE in Mumbai.. I will be joining one of the top Bschools in a country the next month.
Though humour is one of the key ingredients of my blogposts, I dont have a specific theme for blogging.. My blogposts are pretty random just like everything else in my life..

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

I feel I have improved as a writer over the years (I make it sound like I am Stephen King). I have been writing since 2 years. When I look at my older posts I think I have become more mature- I mean as a writer- as a person I am still as immature as I was 12 years ago.

I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There are quite a few. From friends messaging me at 2 in the night to tell me how much they loved a certain post to complete strangers sending me emails about how much they love me.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

My booker prize winning writing skills!!- hehehe. I think my site looks snazzy and messy at the same time. I designed it myself, which explains the messy part. Since I write about random issues, every post is a surprise. The readers dont know what to expect. That surprise element keeps them hooked.

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I wrote this post - Raka Calling. It is by far the most loved post on my blog.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

Personally, friends start respecting you at a level. Note that I said at a level, that means they still pull your leg and crack jokes at your expense, but deep inside they know you are not the talentless, jobless, lazyass they thought you were.
On the professional front, your boss begins to feel you have a lot of free time, and starts giving you more work.

Pakspectator.com is a pakistani site which deals with the problems in Pakistan. Well, if you are wondering how come a paki site approached me for an interview, then let me tell you I am quite popular there. I am sort of minor celebrity there. I receive a dozen fan mails from pakistan everyday. I ll share a few with you.

One of my favourites is this one by Inzamam ul Haq. It is written in Punjabi English. I am reproducing it without any changes.











"Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim. Oojee Wahdhiya interview diyasi. The boys did very well. And Inshallah you will succeed. Aasi feeling very jealous ji. You getting calls at 2 am from friends? I get no calls. Sada Afridi bhi call nahi karda aajkal. Challo koi baat nahi ji. Tussi blog likhte rehna. Kabhi kavar urdu mein bhi likho yaar, samajhne ke liye aasani hogi. English blog read karte time hasne ki acting karni padti hai. Put in the big effort and deliver the results all the time."

There is this other one by Maulana Radio from the beautiful Talibanised valley of swat. This post is in Pashto. If any one knows that language, kindly translate.

"Al habibi mukhta yelak pathan, yaari hai emaan mera yaar meri zindagi, Al rahman, jai ho, laden ah, hussien ah, kabhiz ka baccha, off with your head, ak-47 killing machine, al mazar coca cola nikhtar band coldplay, stop free press, panjar shiktah wab minsulaa, your interview sucks, ya habibi, kaho na kaho, yeh aanken bolti hai, o sanam o sanam, al sahitya neh buzkashi tel ka kuaon behrak muret sijalbuddin zakir shahid afridi shohaib akhtar moin khan javed miandad."

Read the above lines very carefully. I would say read it aloud. I think they liked my "interview" and want to make me the "head" of their organisations. But that is my interpretetion. What do you guys think? My interview : I am famous!

The problem with female friends is that they are like a feet or two shorter than you, but still manage to bully you to do something you dont want to. Anjana gave me this award. As you know I am pop-puh-lur, and get a lot of awards. I had received a similar award from bullshee. But the nice guy that I am(when it comes to girls), I will take this up again.



Now this award is called Honest Scrap. When I first read it, I read honest Crap. So anyway, I am gonna try to come out with 10 truths about myself. Btw, for all those guys who look up to me (all 3 of you) and would like to know more truths about me, go to this page .

So here goes.

1. I love walking. On 26th July, when half of Mumbai was under water, I walked from Kurla station(what a lovely place!) to Mulund East. Thats around 20km for you. I have also walked from Vikhroli station to Airoli, more on that when I get my next award.

2. My favourite team in IPL is Kolkatta Knight Riders. I am now among the 8 fans of KKR. (Note that fans doesnot include team members, coach, owner etc.)

3. A few years ago, I didnt believe in sun signs. I mean, how can there be only 12 kinds of people in the world?!!
But the females in my life (includes mom, sis, neighbour, maasi, granny etc.) were bent upon changing my perception.
Today, I do agree that certain traits of certain Sun signs are similar. Anjana is a old friend, and a fellow cancerian. I realised that she thinks a lot like me. Same is true for Kunal too. Kunal is my friend from engg. Aanchal, is my blog friend, her writings always touch a chord with me. I was going through her blog the other day, and had this sudden urge to go to her orkut profile to check her birth date- turns out she's a Cancerian !
[Note to all my Engg mates: Dont go around sending friend requests to these sweet girls on orkut. Despo kahin ke! You can send friend requests to Kunal if you like though. :P]

4. A Brand new truth - For the past week months I have been making a list of the Sun Signs of my favourite people. (I am jobless, I have time.)
Now I had a feeling that I like taureans a lot apart from Cancerians of course. But we have to keep cancerians out of this list coz I am a cancerian and its easy to like people who are like you. Plus we all know crabs are too awesome to compete with the rest of the signs(What have I turned into!)
So, the point being, I knew I liked taureans, but I still needed one small push to establish that fact.
I checked Hrishitaa Bhatt's birthday - Taurean she is.

5. Bad novels, books, etc inspire me.
Like after reading Tushar Raheja's Anything for you ma'am, I felt I can write a novel.
Like after watching Delhi 6, I felt I can make a movie..
But thankfully I am not making a movie(yet), so you can relax. I cant promise the same about writing a novel though!

6. I take a lot of time to shop for stuff. Before you wonder about my estrogen levels, well, they are just fine, or nil, whatever is the norm. What I meant was, I spend a lot of time finding that perfect value for money before I swipe my card(I have a card.. how cool am I!). For instance I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite some time now, I spend 1 hr everyday looking for laptops. I try to compare them for value. Btw, if any of you readers own a laptop, kindly guide me through your comments. I intend to buy a dell, but I am open to hp, lenovo, vaio etc.

8. My favourite brand is Reebok. I think its value for money. (All I have to do now is collect my commission from Reebok. What's their contact number now?)
Btw, I own a pair of red Reebok shoes! Yeah! red!!
[Note :I am not gujju]

9. As you guys know, I never brag (hehehe) but I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs. I remember too many songs, especially from the 80s and 90s era. I also remember jingles, ads etc.... Its unhealthy I tell you. But useful nevertheless, especially if you have a girl whose face lights up every time you sing these songs..

10. I never cried to school. For me school was always fun. I used to wonder why other kids cry. Men dont cry! I guess I always had a healthy flow of testosterone through my veins. That reminds me, I have to shave now.

Phew... too much honesty for the day. From now on the posts are gonna be completely dishonest.

While we are still honest, try finding truth #7 above. More truths about me!

I have nothing to write.
Have no inspiration lately.

I open blogger wanting to write something and end up staring at the blank screen for hours like a loser...


Loser se yaad aaya, what has gotten into Kolkatta Knight Riders? Suddenly, I have new found respect for Ricky Ponting. How did he manage to win all those matches with an ass for a coach(John Buchanan).


Ass se yaad aaya, what is wrong with Imran Hashmi.. aaj-kal koi movie nahi aa rahi bande ki.. He has done more movies in the last 5 years than what Aamir Khan has done in his two decade old career.

Note that, it was Aamir Khan who held the record for maximum kisses (on screen of course) and he was conviniently replaced by Imran in his debut year.


Debut se yaad aaya, Varun Gandhi made quite a debut in Politics in and as "Pilibhit ka goonda". He went overboard with his anctics, gave communal speeches which made LK Advani and Narendra Modi sound secular. Its almost certain that Pilibhit is voting for Varun this Loksabha elections. Next LS elections we can wait for his next movie - "The return of the goonda".


Goonda se yaad aaya, did you guys know Gulshan grover is the brand ambassador for the apparels chain - "The loot".

I mean, what were the Marketing guys thinking? How could you have someone whos every third line is - "Baaaad maaan" as your brand ambassador. Wouldnt it make more sense to have someone like Ranbir Kapoor or Imran Khan as your brand ambassador if you are selling clothes? The truth is, Gulshan Grover himself doesnt like clothes much, if he did, he wouldnt rip them off the heroine in evey fifth movie. Gulshan Grover selling clothes is like Rishi Kapoor selling annual memberships for Talwalkars gym.


Gym se yaad aaya, dont you think Mayawati should join a gym. Shes getting real big and disfigured, not to mean that she was as figure-y as Madhuri Dixit when she was young, but she really needs a workout. If she reads this blog(which in all probability she does considering my popularity) she is bound to say



"Abbe budbak, main UP ki CM hoon.. Koi nahi aayega mere aur mere khaane ke beach."
"Beach? But ma'am as far as I know there is no sea or beach in UP!"
"Abbe gadhe, there is a beach.. Playground ke beachon beach."

Hehehe... er.. sorry you had to hear a joke that bad. I am a little low on intelligence(I meant today, usually I am okay). But seriously, she needs to workout. Shes turning into the symbol of her party. Arre the symbol of her party is Elephant. Itna bhi nahi jaante (Kya jhakaas knowledge hai na mera Mayawati ke baare mein!).


Elephant se yaad aya, Ramesh Powar just gained a few more pounds. Had I been the owner of Kolkatta Knight Riders, I would buy Powar for 8 crore rupees. I think hes by far the best player in IPL right now. He can single handedly win matches. How? Here goes my strategy. But this strategy works only when KKR bat first.-

Send Powar to open. That McCulluam is an idoit. Gayle-Powar should open. Make Powar run on the pitch. The pitch will crumble under his weight. When we come to bowl we have a minefield of a pitch. Make Powar open the bowling too. On a cracked pitch even Murli Karthik can be fatal, toh Powar ki toh baat hi alag hai. Powar will end up picking up 10 wickets in 4 overs.


Powar se yaad aaya, do you guys remember which bat Sachin Tendulkar used before he started using MRF ka balla? Yes guessed it right! Power!

Sachin used to feature in print ads of Power, he also used to feature in that Action shoes wala comercial - "Joota hai ya light.. joote main hai light!" Do you know who was the girl in that commercial? Socho socho.. shenaz!! Yeah, that Ishq Vishq wali girl.. She played Shahid Kapoor's girlfriend, second girlfriend actually.. The first one was that Parkinsson disease wali girl, whats her name, yeah, Amrita Rao, she shakes her head a lot when she delivers her dialogues, next time, kindly note.


Note se yaad aaya, MBA education is very costly yaar.. Majak-majak mein bahut kharcha hone wala hai. And because of this recession I am not even sure if I will be able to recover the money that I have put in. The condition is bad for guys like me who have all their earnings in white. Now only if I had done some ghootala or something, I would have a lot of black money to splurge...


Black se yaad aaya, Obama (I am so racist ) should come up with something to resurrect this recession thingy. He should take our PM's help if necessary, afterall Manmohan singh is by far the best Finance minister we had.

If Obama can have a cup of tea with him, they will definitely come up with some solution. All we need is some Tea, marie biscuits and some baat-cheet...


Baat se yaad aaya, I have to take a bath.. Bahut din ho gaye..


Warnings:
1.Reading this post can cause temporary neuron damage. What? You already read it and are cursing your friend who recommended you this blog? Please dont, your friend's intentions were good, mine werent!
2.This blog takes no responsibility for the low marks scored by Delhi students(rest of India is done with exams) due to the brain damage caused by this post. Title se yaad aaya...

Short story


Back in the 9th grade, asking a girl out for a movie was a big deal.. Since the advent of puberty, your voice had already started to crack.. It cracked even more when you had to ask that cute girl out for a movie.. Now this is 1999 I am talking about.. It wasnt easy to get the girl u like to go out with you then,..... to be honest, its still difficult..

So you knew this cute girl, long hair, lovely eyes you could lose yourself in, got dimples everytime she smiled.. So if you wanted to ask her out for a movie, the conversation with her would go something like this -
"umm.. did you watch that movie - Dil Se?"
Note that SRK was her favourite actor, so it made sense to mention his movie, even though you thought the movie was a dud and you better spend the evening watching Undertaker wrestle Bam-bam-Bigalo..
"not yet"
"oh.. would you.. I mean.. like to"(the voice cracks up here) "I mean.. watch it with me..er.. this Sunday.."
She suddenly realises that hes asking her out.. she turns on her girlie radar, which essentially means shes gonna act full bhavkhao..
"umm.. I dont know.. My dad wont allow..you know.. alone.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You wanna ask, how can we be alone if we are together.. But you dont..

"Oh.. but we are not going alone..Your friends are coming too" An obvious lie.. But good thinking nevertheless..
"Who all?"
Think of names.. names..
"Suchitra, and Rajesh.. and Prajakta and..." You name 5-6 names that you know are her friends..
"thats good, I think I can ask my dad then.."
Whoopieee...

What follows next is trying to convince the 6 friends of her(whose names you mentioned) to come with you.. You lure them with free popcorn (kamine kahin ke) and they finally agree.

Then comes the booking of tickets.. Note that this is the time when there was no online booking.. So you had to stand in a long queue to get the advance booking.. You manage to get 8 tickets.. You take great care to ensure that two out of them are corner seats..
"Uncle corner seats diya na?"
"Haan yaar.."
You hear him telling the next in line - "Aaj-kal bacche bhi corner seat maangte hain" hehehe..

Finally Sunday arrives.. You get up early(which you usually dont), take a bath(which you usually do), apply half a bottle of perfume and reach the theatre..

She comes on time, but with her Dad in tow. Her dad drives his Maruti 800(we had only Maruti and Fiat back then) in through the theatre parking and almost runs you down.. Now these dads are the villainous types.. The problem is they had been teenagers once and know exactly what dirty things go on in the scum brain of the testosterone driven monster who asked his daughter out..

Her dad steps out of the door of the car and slams it.. These dad types work as managers in a MNC usually, and wear a tie to work, but when it comes to meeting his daughters male friend, he wears the unshaven look and lungi..
"Pappa, hes my friend, Abhi"
You look at pretty her, then look at her Dad.. And you wonder, how could someone like him make something this beautiful..
"Halla"
"Hello sir.."
Women enjoy this.. They want you to meet their dads.. Its their way of saying - "See, this man is my favourite person in the world, and if you can stand up to him, only then you have a chance with me.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You enter the hall, you make sure that you get the corner seats for yourself..You buy enough popcorn for her friends to be occupied... The lights dim.. Vicco Vajradanti ad plays.. The movie starts.. SRK starts jumping on a train.. Chal Chaiyaan Chaiyaan.. You are least interested in the song or in the movie for that matter.. You are interested in the cute girl sitting next to you.. You want to hold her hand.. no, not hold, just touch initially..

Clouds of nervousness loom over you, your palms become sweaty.. you wipe them on the thigh your jeans.. then all of a sudden, in a moment of gutsy drive, you touch her hand..

She pulls it back, almost like a reflex, then looks at you with wide eyes and a smile playing on her lips.. like shes amused, and she didnt expect you to do something like that.. Even in that dark hall, her eyes twinkle..

They should put them in jail for that..

The movie ends, you saw the movie only in bits and pieces, still it will be one of the best remembered movies of your life.. You start walking out of the dimly lit hall into the dimly lit parking.. When all her friends have left, she stands on her toes to reach your ear and whispers "thank you".. It will be ages before you understand the meaning...




Its 2009 and a lotta things have changed.. There are no single theatres now, Maruti has stopped manufacturing 800, popcorn is costlier than what was the ticket those days, even SRK sometimes comes up with meaningful cinema, but one thing hasnt changed, its still damn difficult to ask her out..

"Wanna..er.. watch a movie on Sunday?"
"Lemme see if I am free"
There she goes again..
"Oh comeon"
"hehe.. okay, which one?"
"How does it matter? hahaha"
It takes her a full two minutes to understand the joke behind that one...

She lands 4-5 playful punches, out of which two hurt..

Anyway, the movie starts.. Now that you are 23, you think it must get easier for you.. But it doesnt!..

You still get all nervous, your palms become sweaty.. It is still needs a lotta planning to put your arm across her shoulder.. You touch her hand.. this time she doesnt pull it away.. But she still gives that amused-mischievous look...Like after all these years she still doesnt expect you to hold her hand..

They should put them in jail for that...

The movie ends and the credits start rolling. You leave the hall with her.. You two walk through the huge driveway, sparsely crowded at this time of the night.. She walks closer to you than she normally does.. She holds your hand.. Theres something amazing bout that touch.. It seems to say that she trusts you and has complete faith in you... And it says that she knows you will keep her happy..

Her touch makes you feel strong.. responsible.. pure.. loved.. all at the same time.. as she walks close to you, holding your arm, she rests her head on your shoulder.. And you have the world..

"Thank you"... is all you can whisper in her ear..

She looks at you...smiles.. her eyes swell up with love... a drop finds its way to her cheek..

They should put them in jail for that... They should put them in jail for that..

Scene 1:
Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day
Timeline : Last year of college (2007)
Characters: Two cool college kids, Two weird office goers


Why are we alone?
We are not alone. We cant be alone if we are together.
Okay ass, I meant why dont we have girlfriends?
Oh, thats because the good ones chose the dorks
Yeah.. neckless, fat, geeky dorks
Hey! We can be neckless fat and geeky, if it gets us girls that is..
Well, we are already geeky..
I am not..
Yes you are..
Yeah I am.. I know..
So all we have to become is neckless and fat..
I dont think it is fair..
Even I dont think it is fair.. but what?
They show girls swooning over Hrithik Roshan on TV, but then they go and settle for dorks like these in real life. I mean, what happened to survival of the handsomest..
Yeah I know.. My mom says I look like Hrithik.
Dont take your mom too seriously..
Oh comeon.. I do!
No, you dont.. actually you do, only hes taller and more.. whats the word.. yeah.. awesome!
You sound like a girl right now..
I know, but you can definitely pass off as Uday Chopra..
Damn you..

Pointing to two office goers sitting at a table across the cafe.
Now look at those two guys there.. We look better than they do, dont we?
We sure do.. I mean we can beat them in the looks dept any day.
Yeah, look at them. Peter England office shirts, Arrow flat trousers and office handbag.
Looks more like a purse that handbag of theirs if you ask me..
They look as if they came with a tag - since 1929
Hehe.. good one.. And look at us, cool wrist band, Levi's jeans, Reebok shirts and i-pump shoes..
Hey when did you buy them shoes?
Monday.
And you didnt tell me?
Tell you? what are we? girls?
Oh yeah.. sorry. Are those guys waiting for someone?
Yeah.. I bet they have girlfriends too.
These guys? since 1929 guys? No ways!
I bet 100..
deal..
Just then 2 pretty girls entered the cafe and walked up to them. They could hear them.
"Shall we leave boys?", said the first one.
"We ll be late for the movie", said the other one.
The guys paid the bill and started moving out, with their respective girls.
See? See? Hail me as your king! Pay up you dumbass.
Damn you ass****
He removed Rs. 100 from his wallet and thrusted it onto his friend's palm.

He said the word "Damn" loud enough for one of the guys, who was now opening the door for his girl, to hear him. He looked back at the college kids and smiled. He pulled her close to him and whispered something in her ear. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. Then the four of them left.



Scene 2:
Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day
Timeline : First year of the job (2008)
Characters: Two weird college kids, Two cool office goers

Hows work?
Cool. Hows yours?
Cool.
Hows everyone at home?
What? You never used to ask that!
Really? Hmm.
Got a promotion btw.
Hmm.. that means you pay for today's movie.
Damn you.
I paid the first installment of the car, did I tell you?
Hmm.. Your dad, didnt ask you to pay, did he?
No, but I thought I could pay half for him. That way it would be easier for him.
Hmm.. we are planning to buy a house too..
In mulund?
No re, its out of reach now. Maybe in Thane. Now that I make money too, my parents can afford it..
Man! We are paying installements, buying flats.. We are growing up!!!

Pointing to two college kids sitting at a table across the cafe.
Remember when we were like them?
Whats with those shoes and whats with the hairstyle these kids have nowadays?
Yeah.. and look at their jeans. One more of his size can fit into those!! And they think they look "cool"!
Hehehe.. weirdos..
Its 6:45.. Why do they always have to be this late..
Its evolutionary.. Its in the bible..
What the? The bible doesnt allow women to come late..
Arre it does! Even the first woman "Eve" came only after Adam got really bored.
Hehehe.. Your sense of humour has gone down the drain.
shut up dumbass..

Just then two pretty girls entered the cafe.
"Hello boys", one said.
"Are we late?", the other asked.
No babe.
"Lets leave, dont wanna miss the starting"


The guys paid the bill and started walking out when one of them overheard one of the college kid swearing at the other.
He looked back at the kids, the kid wearing a green nike shirt thrusted a 100 rupee note in the hands of the other kid. He smiled at them.

He held her hand and pulled her close to him. He whispered in her ear -
"You see those two guys sitting there. I think, they had a bet whether we had girlfriends or not. The guy in the green shirt lost."
"How can you be sure about the bet thing", she asked.
"Coz I have been there "

She looked at him amused. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. The four of them left.


________________________________________________

I tried to experiment with some stuff here. If you notice, there are around 6 characters in Scene 1 and 6 characters in Scene 2, two of them are common. So in all, there are like 10 characters. I have tried to make sense without naming even a single character.
Kindly let me know if this story makes sense of should I make it more understandable. A lot can happen over coffee : A twist

Last week I watched Outsourced on Star Movies. I just happened to arrive on the channel when the movie was just starting.

To be honest, I expected a Slumdog from Outsourced. Fortunately, I was wrong. In the first 15 minutes of the movie, there is a scene in which the central character Todd(the superb Josh Hamilton) is trying to catch a train running along the platform with his heavy suitcase. Another guy starts running along with him, picks up his suitcase, and helps Todd get in the train. Knowing the gora's idea(Danny and Co's idea actually) of India and its people I expected him to run away with the suitcase then and there. When he respectfully places the suitcase in the compartment running along the platform, I couldnt help feel ashamed of myself, that I thought like that about a fellow Indian. I also felt bad that I had so conveniently thought that all firangs were narrow-minded idiots.

I am not much of a movie person. My idea of heaven is a huge plasma TV with all sitcom titles available on a hard drive. But 15 mins into Outsourced, and I knew I had a movie on my hands.

The movie is hilarious. It is essentially a situational comedy. This movie is about Todd (whom the Indians call Mr.Toad) who gets an assignment of training his counterpart in India. How he first resists India and at last falls in love with her forms the plot. But its not the story but the characters, the screenplay and the brilliant dialogues which make it enjoyable.

Like this one -
Indian : What is your good name sir?
Todd(bewildered): Good?
Most Indians will get the joke. We say - "aapka shubh(good) naam kya hai?".We very conveniently convert the hindi into english, word by word!

Then there is this scene about holi, when Todd's Indian colleague asks him not to come out of his house...
Todd: But why?
Colleague: Because today is holi, sir!
Todd: Holy what?
Colleague: Only holi!! The festival of colours.
What follows after that is fun.. teenagers throwing water balloons at Todd and him throwing back a few of his own.

Outsourced does a marvellous job of staying away from cliches, characters are excellently sketched, its difficult to find caricatures in this movie.

There is fantastic scene where Asha(Ayesha Dharker), who plays a bpo agent, has to sell a product to an American.
American customer: I lost my job because of you.
Asha: Well, I cant do anything about it sir, but if you want I can give you the website of a company which has its customer service agents in the US and offers the same product.
Am customer: Well, would the price be the same?
Asha: No sir, it will be $212 more.
Am customer : What the heck, send me your product.

Man, it does sound very kiddie at first, but when you think about it, its so damn cool!

The problem with Slumdog Millionaire was that it treated India as a Third World country. I have no problems with that. We are that, accepted. But we are not only that! Theres is a lot more to this country than slums, beggars, people who scoop childrens eyes out, slumlords, slumlords who become real estate barons, bpo agents who leave their seat to dial Kaun Banega Crorepati's number.. I am sure there are people like that. But there is a small number of people like that.

In a country like India, even exceptions run into millions.

Maybe slumdog was a story of those millions but the way it projected India made it sound like there were a billion slumdogs in this country. Everyone who is reading this post in their college or in the comfort of their homes or in an internet cafe know thats not true.

A friend once asked me what place I would like to visit atleast once in my life...I said I wanted to visit Sweden. Now I know no more about Sweden than Danny Boyle knows about Mulund, but I really wanna visit that country. The reason being that I read real nice things about the place in the book - "Catch me if you can" by Frank Abagnale Jr. There are about 15 lines about Sweden in there, and you fall in love with the place.

You know one place that I was scared of? - Rio De Janeiro. I saw the movie Cidade de Deus which is about the mafia in Rio. It took Dhoom 2 to change my perception about the place.

Doesnt Outsourced have its own share of slums and slumdogs? Yes it does.
There is a scene in the first 30 mins of the movie where a slum kid steals Todd's cellphone. My sister and my mom, who were watching the movie, clucked their tongues feeling bad at the way a kid was shown stealing. But the kid returns the cellphone in the end, not only that he decorates it with coloured designs.

Todd falls in love with India, like most Indians do.. Even the ones who keep saying - "is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta", "sab chalta hai", guys who travel in local trains during rush hour, executives who lose precious time stuck in traffic, a beggar at a traffic signal, a couple who cant hold hands coz there are too many people around, a student who applies for MS in the US, an Indian who currently stays in the US but still longs to return - everyone.. everyone.. once in their life, falls in love with this beautiful country.

And so does Todd.. When he gets called over to have lunch in the slum, when his manager brings special American food for him coz his stomach is upset due to all the Indian food, when the slumkid returns his decorated cellphone, when he falls in love with Asha - everytime..., he falls in love with India.

I hoped Slumdog wouldnt win the Oscar. But then it won. I have no problems with it winning the oscar, except this -
20 years down the line, my 15 year old son is gonna come to me and rave about how cool the 1997 Oscar winner Titanic is!!
"Hey Pop! Saw Titanic last night.. 1997 Oscar winner aint it?"
"Yeah, its really cool.. Its a classic"
"I wanna see the 2008 Oscar winner now- Slumdog Millionaire"
I was wondering what would I say - Would I ask him not to watch it coz the movie is a skewed depiction of us or Would I allow him to watch it coz a man needs to form his own opinions.
And what if I do allow and he comes to me asking me - "Pop! You lived in Mumbai right? India was such a Shithole!!"
I would want to tell him that, thats the way a group of smart asses in the West perceived us back then, but not everyone did. If you want to see India through the eyes of unbiased westerner, and dont mind the fact that a bunch of bozos found his view too unscandalous to give it any award - go watch Outsourced

SM will do to people what Cidade did to me. Thankfully Outsourced is around to change their perception.



"Outsourced" soup for the "slumdoged" soul!