The TimePass of India

I was thinking about the events and happenings that lead to me getting an admit from MDI, Gurgaon. Was it tough? How much of hard work did I have to put in? All I wanted to say about the CAT...

End of Term 0!

My laptop watch shows me a time of 4:33. In the morning. I have decided to call 4:33 morning, since the birds think its morning. They start making all these chirping sounds after 4. Its a pity that I have to base my inferences on birds, but then thats how life is... Sweat on the dance floor...

3 Delhi guys and a Washing machine

Hello ji!
So you might have noticed the temperature has gone down in Mumbai. If you are wondering why is that, well, thats coz I have now left Mumbai. I am now in Gurgaon (which explains the heat wave here). Btw, for Mumbaikars who think everything to the north of Mumbai is UP-Bihar, well, Gurgaon is near Delhi.
So last week was my induction week at MDI, gurgaon. More on that later, but first, let me make fun of Delhi guys. Like for instance, they even talk English with a Punjabi accent- Thank you becomes Thank you ji, Sorry becomes Sorryji and Hello becomes Hello ji! Hence the change in my way of greeting you guys.
I have begun soaking the Delhi atmosphere in me. Like I have developed a special liking for Gobi ka paratha. Did you know Gobi ka paratha constitutes 2 % of Delhi's GDP? And you should see how much butter they eat here. Its almost like butter is the main dish, parathe toh galti se plate mein aa gaye.
Now back to the induction week. I will not discuss the details of the induction week else the coming batches wont enjoy it that much. The past week has been, er.. like a military camp, only worse.. guys usually sleep around 2-3 hours everynight. In order to give you a rough idea about things, let me ask you - Have you seen that Nana Patekar movie - Prahar, where he plays a commando? Dekhi hai? accha hai.. accha hai..
Know how he tortures the interns? Well, that is cakewalk in front of what we do! I say, if we continue doing this for 3 more weeks, I will be well prepared to take down the Al-quaeda or whtever is the most dangerous terrorist organisation in the world.

Coming to less dangerous stuff, I got my room, as in, at the hostel. The IDPL hostel that I am at are beautiful. There are two hostels, the on campus and the idpl cma, which is around 5 kms from the MDI campus. The idpl cma hostels are bunglows each having 7 rooms each. I have a lovely single room, with an attached bathroom and the door of my room opens directly on to the terrace. That however isnt necessarily a good thing. Its super hot here (you know why) and my room heats up like a furnace sometimes. I hope the heat reduces in days to come.
Anyway, coming to the sweeter aspects of my hostel, we have monkeys here(dunno why that is sweet). No no, I dont mean the students, I mean ReaL monkeys, with tails and red asses and stuff... And we have peacocks here! You can get real close to them, trust me mate, there are fewer sights prettier than watching a peacock up close.
I am in love with the MDI campus btw. Its 40 acres of pure bliss. Manicured lawns, pretty red buildings, the works, you know. Sometimes I wish I was a campus too and I would woo MDI and she would fall in love with me and then we would give birth to 4-5 small small campuses... Ah.. such a beautiful thought... Okay, this got out of hand here.

Anyway, moving to the topic why my desperate engineering friends are here. Girls.
This is what my friends had to tell me about Delhi girls before I departed for MDI.
Male Friend 1: Abbe wahan ladkiyaan sahi hoti hai yaar...
Male Friend 2: Haan be.. all gori-gori..
Me: Tumlogko ke khandan mein koi Dahisar ke aage nahi gaya, delhi ki ladkiyon ke bare mein tumlogon ko kaise malum saalon?
Male Friend 1: Abbe mera roomie hai na, uske best friend ke friend ki girl friend Delhi ki hai..
Male friend 2: Arre haan.. sahi hai woh..
Male friend 1: (to MF2) tereko kaise malum bey, tu kab mila usse?
Male Friend 2: nahi mila, lekin tere bolne se lagta hai sahi hogi..

This is what my female friends had to say about them.
Female friend 1: Delhi jaa raha hai unke Ladkiyon se bach ke rehna.
Female friend 2: Haan. Keep away from them haan.
Me: Dont worry ladies, I will come back untouched and then you can have me.
Punches thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, talking about the Delhi girls (the guys are waiting with bated breath). Well, they are good looking. No two ways about it. Everytime I look at them, I wonder - Where does all that butter go?! Another point noted is that they are quite free, they are in essence no different than Delhi boys, only they are better looking.
We had a freshers party the night before, I dont drink and also wasnt well, so I went to sleep around 11. There is a bus that takes us from MDI to IDPL, it was scheduled to leave around 3 in the morning, so I went to sleep in a friend's room. By 3 I came down to the party scene, the party was still alive. The DJ was real good, the only problem being he would play songs with the words - "soniye" "tainu" "mainu", you know, the usual panju stuff...
As I entered the dance floor, I saw all this girls dancing in 6 inch heels or whatever they call them. I swear to God, if I tried, I wont be able to walk in them, and these girls were dancing! We have quite a few firangs on the campus and there was this girl with blonde hair who seemed to be suffering from an overdose of Bollywood and movies like Singh is king. She had all the steps in place. I have never felt more sorry for my inability to dance.
I wanted to have a look at how a professional bar looks like so I came up to the bar where there was this huge haryanvi bartender who was drinking himself than serving others. I came to the bar and started looking around, reading the contents written on the bottle.

Haryanvi bartender : Nahi nahi.. tujhe nahi peeni.. tu abhi aaya hai(he must have guessed looking at my relatively sweatless face) tu pehle dance ker ke aa phir milegi..
Me: Lekin..
HB: Oyeee.. bhains nahi karni... chal ja..
What the? Who was this guy? But I didnt want the drink, and I was kinda sleepy so dancing was out of question. But I had a gulp of pepsi, since I didnt want to come out saying tht I didnt "drink".
One thing that I notice about Delhi girls is that how much they are ease with their sexuality. Sometimes, to someguy from outside this place, these girls might come across as bold. Though I find them extremely cute and colourful, I will always fall for the subtle sexuality of a Bombay girl. The balance that she achieves, coupling class and style, will always be the draw for me.
So the good news is, all you Bombay girls who have been secretly falling in love with me, hiding behind trees to get a glimpse of me, watching mere mortals like Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig on Dvd since I am gone, have heart, I will be back!

That is enough for now I guess, I am at the end of my break now. I have a French class in around 20 minutes. So Au Revoir(abhi tak itna hi seekha hai) my friends. Keep checking this space, will be posting frequently from now on. MDI, Gurgaon : Military training

Short story.

They lay on the terrace floor, watching the skies darken with rain-laden dark clouds. The Sun had been on a vacation since the last few days, the clouds had taken over.

"Why does it rain?" She asked, looking at the dark brown evening sky, which was darkening by the minute.
"You see, the south-west monsoon winds bring in water vapour from the Arabian Sea, it condenses.."
"You are such an engineer re," she cut him in between.

The thing with girls is, that they expect us to know when to be scientific and when to be romantic. He kept quiet, thinking what to say. The soft din of the vehicles on the road below filled up the silence. The problem with living in the city is, you never get to experience complete silence.

"He loves her," he says out of the blue.
"huh?"
"You asked me why it rains, didnt you? It rains coz he loves her."
"He?"

"The cloud. He loves the earth."
"Oh. But then, where was he till now? I mean, why didnt it rain in the summer?" she asks innocently.
"He was always there. He was here since the earth was here. In fact, the earth was made because of him. The earth gave us life, but the cloud gave her life. And for that, she loves him. At the end of monsoon he leaves her for the cycle of life to continue, that is why you dont find him here in the winter and the summer."
"Ah.. I see."

The wind starts blowing, starts playing with her hair. She tries to fight the wind, unsuccessfully.

"When the cloud comes to meet the earth, he roars with happiness. Hence the lightening. And when he reaches her, he showers her with love. Hence the rain."
"Hmm. I get it."

She keeps looking at the darkening clouds, which have now started roaring. Then she looks at him, into his eyes and says -
"You know what I love?"
"What?" He asks with a hoarse voice, a voice which is expectant.
She smiles mischievously.
"I love the smell of soil when it rains."

He relaxes again, knowing he is not going to hear his name in any sentence related to love yet.
"I love it too," he says. "But I love something else too," he says looking at her.

She avoids his gaze, tries to fill up the awkward silence with words...fails miserably.

"Why does he have to leave her?" She asks.
"Told you na, it's the cycle of life. That time spent without each other, strengthen their love for each other."
"I don't know. I don't want them to separate."She almost starts to cry.
"You would want rain all through the year?"
She remains quiet.
"Do you realise you will never be able to smell the first rains again? There might never be a first rain in the first place."

She keeps staring at the dark clouds which fill up the whole sky. The lightening flashes every now and then, illuminating her face, making her look prettier than she already is.

"Do you have to go then?" She asks in a voice that tells you shes having a tough time holding herself together.
"I am afraid I have to. I will be back before you know it."
"I will be waiting."

She places her head on his chest. He has the world. Her tears cant be held back. The skies crack up.
It starts to rain.



PS- I will be leaving Mumbai in 4 days to pursue my MBA.
It is pouring outside, as I write this.
Please listen to this song, as you read the post. It gives you a heady feeling. Why does it rain?

Are you hungry?
Do you wonder how they make such yummy pizzas in Pizza Hut?
Do you want to try making the same yummy pizzas at home?
Do you think I am awesome?

If the answers to the above questions are in the affirmative, kindly read Pizza hut's secret recipe to making fluffy yummy mouthwatering pizzas.

Since this is cooking for Engineers, we will follow no measurements. As in, you wont hear me saying add 1 tablespoon of this or 2 teaspoon of that. Tablespoon and teaspoon is such a firangi concept. We will make use of desi concepts like - ek muthi bhar namak lijiye and stuff [Note: ek muthi bhar namak is not recommended unless you are cooking for an army and a half.]. Okay that was a joke, no recipe is complete without a little firangigiri.

If men are reading this, let me tell you that cooking can be quite a turn-on for women. If you are an engineer and dont have women around(which in all probability you dont) then refrain from cooking this meal, else you'll end up turning-on your room-mates.

For girls reading this, I know what you are thinking - He's funny, he's hot and he even cooks! Can I add him on orkut? Can I get his number? Where does he stay?
I say, all those questions will be answered, but first, let us deal with the recipe.

Dough:
4 cups flour(maida)
1 cup warm water.
dry yeast(half pack will do that is around 1 tablespoon)
2 tablespoons oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar

Put yeast, sugar, salt in a large bowl. Add water and stir to mix well. Allow to sit for two minutes. Add oil and stir again.

Add flour and stir until dough forms, make sure the dough is not too sticky. Knead like the dough is your boss. Throw in a few punches for good measure. After you are done, cover the bowl with a plate and keep it around some warm place (usually around the gas stove or near Salma Hayek, if she's around.)

Watch TV till the dough rises. After 15 minutes, return to the kitchen. Take out a ball of dough. and make it a perfect round with your hands. Take the microwave pan and pat some dry flour on it, so that the dough ball doesnt stick on it. Now make a thin circular base using your hands. Part one done. Pat yourself on the back. Enough. Now let us move on to the toppings.


Toppings:
Mozzarella cheese
Tomato sauce
Onion
Capsicum
Tomato
Mushroom

Pour generous amounts of tomato sauce and spread it evenly. [Actually PH guys make that sauce in-house, but we are lazy guys, so we will outsource it]. Spread finely shredded Mozzarella cheese all over the base. Now choose your toppings - I am a vegetarian, so I use fine cut capsicum, onion, tomato and mushroom. Place everything on the base. Take a lot of cheese and spread it evenly on the toppings. Remember that sticky threads of cheese they show on Tv? This is how they make it. Pour some olive oil(or any other oil, we are not that fussy, you see!). Once done, pat yourself on back again. Part two done. You are the king of the world! Get down the Titanic now. Let us proceed to the simplest and the most interesting part, interesting because you can go sit watch TV for most of it


Baking-
Pre set the oven(on convection) at 240 deg Celsius. Put in the pan, set the timer to 9 minutes. Go watch TV. Come back after 9 minutes, remove the pan, careful! Its hot! Transfer the contents to a plate, cut into 6 slices, or cut into 4 slices if you think 6 slices is too much.
Part 3 done! Congratulations! The pizza is mouth wateringly yours. Dont forget to share the pizza with the people around you.



Courtesy: Me. Pardon the messy presentation, it tastes heavenly.


[Note 1: If you are sharing the pizza with your family members, friends, girlfriends, dont make the same mistake that I made, do NOT charge them, else you will end up with a black eye.
Note 2: Under no circumstances do you ask your sister/mother/girlfriend to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Else you will end up with two black eyes.] Pizza hut Secret Recipe : Cooking for engineers

Its finally here! The day all of you have been waiting for. Okay, not you, but the day I was waiting for. After seven days (working days) of sleepless nights, my wildchild is here. The Dell Inspiron 1545. For guys who would like to buy something similar, here's the configuration and the price-



Processor: T6400(2.0 Ghz/ 800 Mhz/ 2Mb Cache)
Ram: 3 Gb
Hard disk: 250 Gb
Graphic card: 4500MHD Media accelator (32Mb)
Screen size: 15.6"
Bluetooth: Yes
Card Reader: Yes
Web cam: Yes
Wi-Fi: Yes
Colour: Red (Matt finish)
Price: Rs. 35,800 (Landing price) [Got a small discount]

Now that I have bored you enough, let me bore you a little more. Let me explain to you each and every term that I mentioned above.

Now, had I been yapping infront of a live audience, most of them would be asleep by now, but thats the real beauty of blogspot, I cant see you, so I can yap my way to glory. The last time I tried explaining stuff to my sister, she got so annoyed that she locked me up in the spare bathroom(we have a huge house). I was in there for 3 days. I lost 5 kgs and my biceps are now 26" down from the usual 28".
On second thoughts, I think, I shouldnt be taking the risk of explaining to you guys the basics of computers, simply coz, I have a lot of female readers(all 3 of them), and they might end up doing to me what my sister did so successfully.

But I wish to share with you this incident that happened a few years ago. We- me and my college friend C- (on the rare days we attended college) were sitting in the computer lab in college.
C noticed that the PC's 80 Gb ram was full. Obviously, the official data, data as in Visual basic, C, C++ programs, excel sheets, word files etc was only 214Kb. There were around 50Gb of movies, 10Gb of episodes of 'Police chases gone wrong' and the rest were, well, hidden in the system 32 folder! Why hidden? If you are an engineer, then you know!

So C wanted to save this "important file"- 'comedy scenes from Marathi movies' on the drive. Personally, I dont see the need to watch comedy. Our college and professors provided generous offering of comedy. The file was around 1 Gb. "Disk full" popped up on the screen.

C: Abbe? Kya faltugiri hai! 80Gb hard disk bhi full ho gaya!
Arshat (Me): Aisa kya store kiya hai bey hard disk pe?
Check kar... Phir delete kar
Tere ko yeh comedy scenes kyun store karne ka hai lab PC pe?
Arre nahi toh bahut bore hota hai lab mein..
Already stored hai na movies, woh dekh...
Sab english movies hai... Aur ek bhi comedy movie nahi hai...
Hmm.. (Going through the Pc) Kitna movies hai bey!
50Gb ka movies hai
10 Gb ka Police chases hai
50+10=60. Baki 20 Gb kya hai?
Arre programs, word files, excel files... kaam kiya hoga public ne..
Pagal hai kya? Itna kaam? Yeh dekh 214Kb kaam kiya hai sirf.
Toh baki 20Gb kya hai?
Ruk, files hidden hai..
Yeh kya hai. Saale System 32 ka files hai.
Itna Gb nahi hai System 32.
We played the first "hidden" file.
Shit.. shittt... bannnd kar saaleeee..
Arre ruk na.. ruk na..
Abbe koi aayega toh..?
Arre computer lab hai! Kaun aata hai yahan pe?
Saaleeee... band kar...
Abbe apaan ne thodi load kiya hai yeh sab files... Chal tere liye window chota karke dekta hoon..
The door opened.
Banndd kar saaalleeee...
Saying that I turned the switch of the spike guard off.
The door opened. We feared the worst. What if someone had heard the sound of the hidden movie. The probability of that was low though, the lab was AC and a thick door quarantined the room.
A girl entered. Probably a senior. Maybe from computers. I take this guess coz they had many pretty girls in IT and computers.
Thampi Sir?
Umm.. no, he's not here.
What are you guys doing?
We are working.
But the computer is turned off.
We were going to turn it on.
She gave us a look of suspicion and left.
Chal fir se On karte hain
Shot mat de saale.
Projector connect karte hai kya?
Saaaleeee...

Ah.. lovely days those were. Wonder if they will ever come back. Sometimes I wonder if we should have connected the projector. What would be the maximum penalty if we were caught? Was it worth the risk? How would it be to watch it on a projector? I guess I will never find out.

Anyway, this post got really senti for all the wrong reasons, I meant to write this post to update you on my laptop status(Not tht you care or anything). I have shared so many things with you, thought should share this too!

I make it sound like I am getting married!

Update: Inspite of the gentleman that I am, I forgot to thank all my friends who helped me zero in on this laptop - Hiren aka Lamda, Rishikesh Bhise, Chaitanya Aathyle, Ameya Sohoni, Nupur.. Thank you guys. You rock :) Yours is here: Dell Inspiron 1545

[Prologue: This post might be disturbing]

I woke up startled! "Physics is freaking awesome!" I said to myself.
Was it a dream?
I had slept on my physics text book. The page 152 of the book was wet from my drool. It was a lazy afternoon and I must have dozed off while studying. My back was sore. I guess I slept in an unnatural position. The human body wasnt made to sleep on a study table with your Physics text book as your pillow.

But IIT entrance exams make you subject your body to a lot of inhumane stuff - like sleeping at 1 in the night and getting up at 6 in the morning, solving whole calculus problems in your sleep, skipping lunch and sometimes dinner to stay awake... Last night I slept for 3 hours instead of the usual 5 hours. My IIT-JEE(mains) exams were round the corner. I had it all planned. Engineering from one of the IITs, then MBA from one of the IIMs, then job at an American investment bank, Mercedes at 28, BMW at 33, a terrace flat downtown at 35. Its funny how well we plan our life. I had everything planned for the next 20 years when I didnt know what was going to happen in the next 20 minutes!

It was mid-May. It was around 7 in the evening. I looked out of the window. It was golden brown outside. It was lovely! There were dark clouds in the sky and the May Sun beat down on them to create nature's own soft light bulb.

I looked at my drool drenched Physics text book. It wasnt fair. I was just 18. These are the greenest years of my life... and I was spending them reading books and learning formulae. This is so damn unfair. I have to get away from all this. I got up, took my bike keys and opened the door and slammed it shut.

I put in the key and started the bike. I realised I had forgotten to take the helmet with me. Damn it, I thought. I was going on a short ride, I dont need a helmet. I raised the accelerator, to kick the bike out of inertia

Page 109:
Inertia: Inertia is the resistance offered by a body when subjected to a change in its state of rest or of uniform motion.

Too much Physics does that to you. You start finding Physics in every damn thing.

It started to rain. Sparse but large golden droplets started to fall from the gold of the sky. It was like gold melting and falling down onto earth in small gold droplets.

I took the highway. I increased my speed. My hair were getting wet. The smell of wet soil was in the air. The water droplets hit my face, hurting it. Suddenly, I felt alive.

I see a truck trying to take a U turn, I apply the brake gently. A film of water formed on the tar road reduces the friction.

Page: 123
Friction: Friction is a force that resists the relative motion between two surfaces in contact.

I press the brake completely, but the bike wont stop. It skids on the wet frictionless road. I lose my balance. I fall on the wet tar road, the bike drags me along with it. It wont stop. It wont stop. Still no panic. The bike pulls me with it along the tar road, bringing me precariously close to the tyre of the truck.

The truck driver must have applied the brakes, but the momentum(mass x velocity) of the 50,000 kilogram truck kept it going.

Page: 146
Momentum: A measure of the motion of a body equal to the product of its mass and velocity.


It went going and going...till it came close to my head, till I could see the threads on the tyre, till I could smell the cow dung on the huge rubber tyre, and then...

Crunchhh...

What the ?? What happened to Newton's Third law of motion?!

Page 152
Newton's Third law of motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction!

If the truck exerted 50,000g (where g=9.8m/sec sq.) of force (Action), my head should exert that much force back (Reaction)! But that didnt happen now, did it? Newton was an idiot.. The third law of Newton sucks.. Just then it strikes me! Newtonian laws are applicable to perfectly rigid bodies. My skull isnt perfectly rigid... not even close! My brain lied splattered on the wet tar road. Broken pieces of skull stick to the tyre.

I thought to myself- Physics is freaking awesome!

[Note:It rained in Mumbai today] Physics is freaking awesome!

Okay. So now that I have my own interview published, I am allowed to act all high class bad attitude scumbag. As you know, bad behaviour begins at home. So I tried my high class attitude with my sister first. She was talking on the phone and laughing loudly. I was watching TV and was getting disturbed(I take my TV seriously!), so I went to her and in my best English accent said -
"Could you please keep it down a little eh?"
She was probably surprised at my politeness or confused with my accent coz she only managed to say-
"What?"
"Oh.. you see sis, I was watching this exhilarating documentory on the Italian delicacies and the intricacies of wine tasti..."
She hit me with a pillow before I could complete my sentence and shoved me out of the room. I returned back to TV, I was watching Ben10 btw, not some wine tasting documentary!

The point being, I was brought back to earth by that pillow hit. Also, I lost my english accent. If you lesser mortals(some attitude is still left, one more pillow hit please) are wondering why I am acting like high class British pommie, well, that is coz I have a interview published on pakspectator.com. That is a real site! How cool am I!

You can read the full interview here.

Some excerpts from the Interview.

My name is Arshat Chaudhary. I am 23 years of age. I am a humour-romance blogger living in Mumbai. I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I worked for the German giant Siemens for a while. I will be starting my course in MBA the next month. Feel free to read my blog at http://thetimepassofindia.blogspot.com/
Kindly leave comments if you like something. Take care. Have fun.

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

I am a Mechanical engineer from the prestigious(I have been paid to say that) SPCE in Mumbai.. I will be joining one of the top Bschools in a country the next month.
Though humour is one of the key ingredients of my blogposts, I dont have a specific theme for blogging.. My blogposts are pretty random just like everything else in my life..

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

I feel I have improved as a writer over the years (I make it sound like I am Stephen King). I have been writing since 2 years. When I look at my older posts I think I have become more mature- I mean as a writer- as a person I am still as immature as I was 12 years ago.

I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There are quite a few. From friends messaging me at 2 in the night to tell me how much they loved a certain post to complete strangers sending me emails about how much they love me.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

My booker prize winning writing skills!!- hehehe. I think my site looks snazzy and messy at the same time. I designed it myself, which explains the messy part. Since I write about random issues, every post is a surprise. The readers dont know what to expect. That surprise element keeps them hooked.

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I wrote this post - Raka Calling. It is by far the most loved post on my blog.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

Personally, friends start respecting you at a level. Note that I said at a level, that means they still pull your leg and crack jokes at your expense, but deep inside they know you are not the talentless, jobless, lazyass they thought you were.
On the professional front, your boss begins to feel you have a lot of free time, and starts giving you more work.

Pakspectator.com is a pakistani site which deals with the problems in Pakistan. Well, if you are wondering how come a paki site approached me for an interview, then let me tell you I am quite popular there. I am sort of minor celebrity there. I receive a dozen fan mails from pakistan everyday. I ll share a few with you.

One of my favourites is this one by Inzamam ul Haq. It is written in Punjabi English. I am reproducing it without any changes.











"Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim. Oojee Wahdhiya interview diyasi. The boys did very well. And Inshallah you will succeed. Aasi feeling very jealous ji. You getting calls at 2 am from friends? I get no calls. Sada Afridi bhi call nahi karda aajkal. Challo koi baat nahi ji. Tussi blog likhte rehna. Kabhi kavar urdu mein bhi likho yaar, samajhne ke liye aasani hogi. English blog read karte time hasne ki acting karni padti hai. Put in the big effort and deliver the results all the time."

There is this other one by Maulana Radio from the beautiful Talibanised valley of swat. This post is in Pashto. If any one knows that language, kindly translate.

"Al habibi mukhta yelak pathan, yaari hai emaan mera yaar meri zindagi, Al rahman, jai ho, laden ah, hussien ah, kabhiz ka baccha, off with your head, ak-47 killing machine, al mazar coca cola nikhtar band coldplay, stop free press, panjar shiktah wab minsulaa, your interview sucks, ya habibi, kaho na kaho, yeh aanken bolti hai, o sanam o sanam, al sahitya neh buzkashi tel ka kuaon behrak muret sijalbuddin zakir shahid afridi shohaib akhtar moin khan javed miandad."

Read the above lines very carefully. I would say read it aloud. I think they liked my "interview" and want to make me the "head" of their organisations. But that is my interpretetion. What do you guys think? My interview : I am famous!

The problem with female friends is that they are like a feet or two shorter than you, but still manage to bully you to do something you dont want to. Anjana gave me this award. As you know I am pop-puh-lur, and get a lot of awards. I had received a similar award from bullshee. But the nice guy that I am(when it comes to girls), I will take this up again.



Now this award is called Honest Scrap. When I first read it, I read honest Crap. So anyway, I am gonna try to come out with 10 truths about myself. Btw, for all those guys who look up to me (all 3 of you) and would like to know more truths about me, go to this page .

So here goes.

1. I love walking. On 26th July, when half of Mumbai was under water, I walked from Kurla station(what a lovely place!) to Mulund East. Thats around 20km for you. I have also walked from Vikhroli station to Airoli, more on that when I get my next award.

2. My favourite team in IPL is Kolkatta Knight Riders. I am now among the 8 fans of KKR. (Note that fans doesnot include team members, coach, owner etc.)

3. A few years ago, I didnt believe in sun signs. I mean, how can there be only 12 kinds of people in the world?!!
But the females in my life (includes mom, sis, neighbour, maasi, granny etc.) were bent upon changing my perception.
Today, I do agree that certain traits of certain Sun signs are similar. Anjana is a old friend, and a fellow cancerian. I realised that she thinks a lot like me. Same is true for Kunal too. Kunal is my friend from engg. Aanchal, is my blog friend, her writings always touch a chord with me. I was going through her blog the other day, and had this sudden urge to go to her orkut profile to check her birth date- turns out she's a Cancerian !
[Note to all my Engg mates: Dont go around sending friend requests to these sweet girls on orkut. Despo kahin ke! You can send friend requests to Kunal if you like though. :P]

4. A Brand new truth - For the past week months I have been making a list of the Sun Signs of my favourite people. (I am jobless, I have time.)
Now I had a feeling that I like taureans a lot apart from Cancerians of course. But we have to keep cancerians out of this list coz I am a cancerian and its easy to like people who are like you. Plus we all know crabs are too awesome to compete with the rest of the signs(What have I turned into!)
So, the point being, I knew I liked taureans, but I still needed one small push to establish that fact.
I checked Hrishitaa Bhatt's birthday - Taurean she is.

5. Bad novels, books, etc inspire me.
Like after reading Tushar Raheja's Anything for you ma'am, I felt I can write a novel.
Like after watching Delhi 6, I felt I can make a movie..
But thankfully I am not making a movie(yet), so you can relax. I cant promise the same about writing a novel though!

6. I take a lot of time to shop for stuff. Before you wonder about my estrogen levels, well, they are just fine, or nil, whatever is the norm. What I meant was, I spend a lot of time finding that perfect value for money before I swipe my card(I have a card.. how cool am I!). For instance I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite some time now, I spend 1 hr everyday looking for laptops. I try to compare them for value. Btw, if any of you readers own a laptop, kindly guide me through your comments. I intend to buy a dell, but I am open to hp, lenovo, vaio etc.

8. My favourite brand is Reebok. I think its value for money. (All I have to do now is collect my commission from Reebok. What's their contact number now?)
Btw, I own a pair of red Reebok shoes! Yeah! red!!
[Note :I am not gujju]

9. As you guys know, I never brag (hehehe) but I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs. I remember too many songs, especially from the 80s and 90s era. I also remember jingles, ads etc.... Its unhealthy I tell you. But useful nevertheless, especially if you have a girl whose face lights up every time you sing these songs..

10. I never cried to school. For me school was always fun. I used to wonder why other kids cry. Men dont cry! I guess I always had a healthy flow of testosterone through my veins. That reminds me, I have to shave now.

Phew... too much honesty for the day. From now on the posts are gonna be completely dishonest.

While we are still honest, try finding truth #7 above. More truths about me!

I have nothing to write.
Have no inspiration lately.

I open blogger wanting to write something and end up staring at the blank screen for hours like a loser...


Loser se yaad aaya, what has gotten into Kolkatta Knight Riders? Suddenly, I have new found respect for Ricky Ponting. How did he manage to win all those matches with an ass for a coach(John Buchanan).


Ass se yaad aaya, what is wrong with Imran Hashmi.. aaj-kal koi movie nahi aa rahi bande ki.. He has done more movies in the last 5 years than what Aamir Khan has done in his two decade old career.

Note that, it was Aamir Khan who held the record for maximum kisses (on screen of course) and he was conviniently replaced by Imran in his debut year.


Debut se yaad aaya, Varun Gandhi made quite a debut in Politics in and as "Pilibhit ka goonda". He went overboard with his anctics, gave communal speeches which made LK Advani and Narendra Modi sound secular. Its almost certain that Pilibhit is voting for Varun this Loksabha elections. Next LS elections we can wait for his next movie - "The return of the goonda".


Goonda se yaad aaya, did you guys know Gulshan grover is the brand ambassador for the apparels chain - "The loot".

I mean, what were the Marketing guys thinking? How could you have someone whos every third line is - "Baaaad maaan" as your brand ambassador. Wouldnt it make more sense to have someone like Ranbir Kapoor or Imran Khan as your brand ambassador if you are selling clothes? The truth is, Gulshan Grover himself doesnt like clothes much, if he did, he wouldnt rip them off the heroine in evey fifth movie. Gulshan Grover selling clothes is like Rishi Kapoor selling annual memberships for Talwalkars gym.


Gym se yaad aaya, dont you think Mayawati should join a gym. Shes getting real big and disfigured, not to mean that she was as figure-y as Madhuri Dixit when she was young, but she really needs a workout. If she reads this blog(which in all probability she does considering my popularity) she is bound to say



"Abbe budbak, main UP ki CM hoon.. Koi nahi aayega mere aur mere khaane ke beach."
"Beach? But ma'am as far as I know there is no sea or beach in UP!"
"Abbe gadhe, there is a beach.. Playground ke beachon beach."

Hehehe... er.. sorry you had to hear a joke that bad. I am a little low on intelligence(I meant today, usually I am okay). But seriously, she needs to workout. Shes turning into the symbol of her party. Arre the symbol of her party is Elephant. Itna bhi nahi jaante (Kya jhakaas knowledge hai na mera Mayawati ke baare mein!).


Elephant se yaad aya, Ramesh Powar just gained a few more pounds. Had I been the owner of Kolkatta Knight Riders, I would buy Powar for 8 crore rupees. I think hes by far the best player in IPL right now. He can single handedly win matches. How? Here goes my strategy. But this strategy works only when KKR bat first.-

Send Powar to open. That McCulluam is an idoit. Gayle-Powar should open. Make Powar run on the pitch. The pitch will crumble under his weight. When we come to bowl we have a minefield of a pitch. Make Powar open the bowling too. On a cracked pitch even Murli Karthik can be fatal, toh Powar ki toh baat hi alag hai. Powar will end up picking up 10 wickets in 4 overs.


Powar se yaad aaya, do you guys remember which bat Sachin Tendulkar used before he started using MRF ka balla? Yes guessed it right! Power!

Sachin used to feature in print ads of Power, he also used to feature in that Action shoes wala comercial - "Joota hai ya light.. joote main hai light!" Do you know who was the girl in that commercial? Socho socho.. shenaz!! Yeah, that Ishq Vishq wali girl.. She played Shahid Kapoor's girlfriend, second girlfriend actually.. The first one was that Parkinsson disease wali girl, whats her name, yeah, Amrita Rao, she shakes her head a lot when she delivers her dialogues, next time, kindly note.


Note se yaad aaya, MBA education is very costly yaar.. Majak-majak mein bahut kharcha hone wala hai. And because of this recession I am not even sure if I will be able to recover the money that I have put in. The condition is bad for guys like me who have all their earnings in white. Now only if I had done some ghootala or something, I would have a lot of black money to splurge...


Black se yaad aaya, Obama (I am so racist ) should come up with something to resurrect this recession thingy. He should take our PM's help if necessary, afterall Manmohan singh is by far the best Finance minister we had.

If Obama can have a cup of tea with him, they will definitely come up with some solution. All we need is some Tea, marie biscuits and some baat-cheet...


Baat se yaad aaya, I have to take a bath.. Bahut din ho gaye..


Warnings:
1.Reading this post can cause temporary neuron damage. What? You already read it and are cursing your friend who recommended you this blog? Please dont, your friend's intentions were good, mine werent!
2.This blog takes no responsibility for the low marks scored by Delhi students(rest of India is done with exams) due to the brain damage caused by this post. Title se yaad aaya...

Short story


Back in the 9th grade, asking a girl out for a movie was a big deal.. Since the advent of puberty, your voice had already started to crack.. It cracked even more when you had to ask that cute girl out for a movie.. Now this is 1999 I am talking about.. It wasnt easy to get the girl u like to go out with you then,..... to be honest, its still difficult..

So you knew this cute girl, long hair, lovely eyes you could lose yourself in, got dimples everytime she smiled.. So if you wanted to ask her out for a movie, the conversation with her would go something like this -
"umm.. did you watch that movie - Dil Se?"
Note that SRK was her favourite actor, so it made sense to mention his movie, even though you thought the movie was a dud and you better spend the evening watching Undertaker wrestle Bam-bam-Bigalo..
"not yet"
"oh.. would you.. I mean.. like to"(the voice cracks up here) "I mean.. watch it with me..er.. this Sunday.."
She suddenly realises that hes asking her out.. she turns on her girlie radar, which essentially means shes gonna act full bhavkhao..
"umm.. I dont know.. My dad wont allow..you know.. alone.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You wanna ask, how can we be alone if we are together.. But you dont..

"Oh.. but we are not going alone..Your friends are coming too" An obvious lie.. But good thinking nevertheless..
"Who all?"
Think of names.. names..
"Suchitra, and Rajesh.. and Prajakta and..." You name 5-6 names that you know are her friends..
"thats good, I think I can ask my dad then.."
Whoopieee...

What follows next is trying to convince the 6 friends of her(whose names you mentioned) to come with you.. You lure them with free popcorn (kamine kahin ke) and they finally agree.

Then comes the booking of tickets.. Note that this is the time when there was no online booking.. So you had to stand in a long queue to get the advance booking.. You manage to get 8 tickets.. You take great care to ensure that two out of them are corner seats..
"Uncle corner seats diya na?"
"Haan yaar.."
You hear him telling the next in line - "Aaj-kal bacche bhi corner seat maangte hain" hehehe..

Finally Sunday arrives.. You get up early(which you usually dont), take a bath(which you usually do), apply half a bottle of perfume and reach the theatre..

She comes on time, but with her Dad in tow. Her dad drives his Maruti 800(we had only Maruti and Fiat back then) in through the theatre parking and almost runs you down.. Now these dads are the villainous types.. The problem is they had been teenagers once and know exactly what dirty things go on in the scum brain of the testosterone driven monster who asked his daughter out..

Her dad steps out of the door of the car and slams it.. These dad types work as managers in a MNC usually, and wear a tie to work, but when it comes to meeting his daughters male friend, he wears the unshaven look and lungi..
"Pappa, hes my friend, Abhi"
You look at pretty her, then look at her Dad.. And you wonder, how could someone like him make something this beautiful..
"Halla"
"Hello sir.."
Women enjoy this.. They want you to meet their dads.. Its their way of saying - "See, this man is my favourite person in the world, and if you can stand up to him, only then you have a chance with me.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You enter the hall, you make sure that you get the corner seats for yourself..You buy enough popcorn for her friends to be occupied... The lights dim.. Vicco Vajradanti ad plays.. The movie starts.. SRK starts jumping on a train.. Chal Chaiyaan Chaiyaan.. You are least interested in the song or in the movie for that matter.. You are interested in the cute girl sitting next to you.. You want to hold her hand.. no, not hold, just touch initially..

Clouds of nervousness loom over you, your palms become sweaty.. you wipe them on the thigh your jeans.. then all of a sudden, in a moment of gutsy drive, you touch her hand..

She pulls it back, almost like a reflex, then looks at you with wide eyes and a smile playing on her lips.. like shes amused, and she didnt expect you to do something like that.. Even in that dark hall, her eyes twinkle..

They should put them in jail for that..

The movie ends, you saw the movie only in bits and pieces, still it will be one of the best remembered movies of your life.. You start walking out of the dimly lit hall into the dimly lit parking.. When all her friends have left, she stands on her toes to reach your ear and whispers "thank you".. It will be ages before you understand the meaning...




Its 2009 and a lotta things have changed.. There are no single theatres now, Maruti has stopped manufacturing 800, popcorn is costlier than what was the ticket those days, even SRK sometimes comes up with meaningful cinema, but one thing hasnt changed, its still damn difficult to ask her out..

"Wanna..er.. watch a movie on Sunday?"
"Lemme see if I am free"
There she goes again..
"Oh comeon"
"hehe.. okay, which one?"
"How does it matter? hahaha"
It takes her a full two minutes to understand the joke behind that one...

She lands 4-5 playful punches, out of which two hurt..

Anyway, the movie starts.. Now that you are 23, you think it must get easier for you.. But it doesnt!..

You still get all nervous, your palms become sweaty.. It is still needs a lotta planning to put your arm across her shoulder.. You touch her hand.. this time she doesnt pull it away.. But she still gives that amused-mischievous look...Like after all these years she still doesnt expect you to hold her hand..

They should put them in jail for that...

The movie ends and the credits start rolling. You leave the hall with her.. You two walk through the huge driveway, sparsely crowded at this time of the night.. She walks closer to you than she normally does.. She holds your hand.. Theres something amazing bout that touch.. It seems to say that she trusts you and has complete faith in you... And it says that she knows you will keep her happy..

Her touch makes you feel strong.. responsible.. pure.. loved.. all at the same time.. as she walks close to you, holding your arm, she rests her head on your shoulder.. And you have the world..

"Thank you"... is all you can whisper in her ear..

She looks at you...smiles.. her eyes swell up with love... a drop finds its way to her cheek..

They should put them in jail for that... They should put them in jail for that..