The TimePass of India

Okay. So now that I have my own interview published, I am allowed to act all high class bad attitude scumbag. As you know, bad behaviour begins at home. So I tried my high class attitude with my sister first. She was talking on the phone and laughing loudly. I was watching TV and was getting disturbed(I take my TV seriously!), so I went to her and in my best English accent said -
"Could you please keep it down a little eh?"
She was probably surprised at my politeness or confused with my accent coz she only managed to say-
"What?"
"Oh.. you see sis, I was watching this exhilarating documentory on the Italian delicacies and the intricacies of wine tasti..."
She hit me with a pillow before I could complete my sentence and shoved me out of the room. I returned back to TV, I was watching Ben10 btw, not some wine tasting documentary!

The point being, I was brought back to earth by that pillow hit. Also, I lost my english accent. If you lesser mortals(some attitude is still left, one more pillow hit please) are wondering why I am acting like high class British pommie, well, that is coz I have a interview published on pakspectator.com. That is a real site! How cool am I!

You can read the full interview here.

Some excerpts from the Interview.

My name is Arshat Chaudhary. I am 23 years of age. I am a humour-romance blogger living in Mumbai. I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I worked for the German giant Siemens for a while. I will be starting my course in MBA the next month. Feel free to read my blog at http://thetimepassofindia.blogspot.com/
Kindly leave comments if you like something. Take care. Have fun.

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

I am a Mechanical engineer from the prestigious(I have been paid to say that) SPCE in Mumbai.. I will be joining one of the top Bschools in a country the next month.
Though humour is one of the key ingredients of my blogposts, I dont have a specific theme for blogging.. My blogposts are pretty random just like everything else in my life..

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

I feel I have improved as a writer over the years (I make it sound like I am Stephen King). I have been writing since 2 years. When I look at my older posts I think I have become more mature- I mean as a writer- as a person I am still as immature as I was 12 years ago.

I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There are quite a few. From friends messaging me at 2 in the night to tell me how much they loved a certain post to complete strangers sending me emails about how much they love me.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

My booker prize winning writing skills!!- hehehe. I think my site looks snazzy and messy at the same time. I designed it myself, which explains the messy part. Since I write about random issues, every post is a surprise. The readers dont know what to expect. That surprise element keeps them hooked.

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I wrote this post - Raka Calling. It is by far the most loved post on my blog.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

Personally, friends start respecting you at a level. Note that I said at a level, that means they still pull your leg and crack jokes at your expense, but deep inside they know you are not the talentless, jobless, lazyass they thought you were.
On the professional front, your boss begins to feel you have a lot of free time, and starts giving you more work.

Pakspectator.com is a pakistani site which deals with the problems in Pakistan. Well, if you are wondering how come a paki site approached me for an interview, then let me tell you I am quite popular there. I am sort of minor celebrity there. I receive a dozen fan mails from pakistan everyday. I ll share a few with you.

One of my favourites is this one by Inzamam ul Haq. It is written in Punjabi English. I am reproducing it without any changes.











"Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim. Oojee Wahdhiya interview diyasi. The boys did very well. And Inshallah you will succeed. Aasi feeling very jealous ji. You getting calls at 2 am from friends? I get no calls. Sada Afridi bhi call nahi karda aajkal. Challo koi baat nahi ji. Tussi blog likhte rehna. Kabhi kavar urdu mein bhi likho yaar, samajhne ke liye aasani hogi. English blog read karte time hasne ki acting karni padti hai. Put in the big effort and deliver the results all the time."

There is this other one by Maulana Radio from the beautiful Talibanised valley of swat. This post is in Pashto. If any one knows that language, kindly translate.

"Al habibi mukhta yelak pathan, yaari hai emaan mera yaar meri zindagi, Al rahman, jai ho, laden ah, hussien ah, kabhiz ka baccha, off with your head, ak-47 killing machine, al mazar coca cola nikhtar band coldplay, stop free press, panjar shiktah wab minsulaa, your interview sucks, ya habibi, kaho na kaho, yeh aanken bolti hai, o sanam o sanam, al sahitya neh buzkashi tel ka kuaon behrak muret sijalbuddin zakir shahid afridi shohaib akhtar moin khan javed miandad."

Read the above lines very carefully. I would say read it aloud. I think they liked my "interview" and want to make me the "head" of their organisations. But that is my interpretetion. What do you guys think? My interview : I am famous!

The problem with female friends is that they are like a feet or two shorter than you, but still manage to bully you to do something you dont want to. Anjana gave me this award. As you know I am pop-puh-lur, and get a lot of awards. I had received a similar award from bullshee. But the nice guy that I am(when it comes to girls), I will take this up again.



Now this award is called Honest Scrap. When I first read it, I read honest Crap. So anyway, I am gonna try to come out with 10 truths about myself. Btw, for all those guys who look up to me (all 3 of you) and would like to know more truths about me, go to this page .

So here goes.

1. I love walking. On 26th July, when half of Mumbai was under water, I walked from Kurla station(what a lovely place!) to Mulund East. Thats around 20km for you. I have also walked from Vikhroli station to Airoli, more on that when I get my next award.

2. My favourite team in IPL is Kolkatta Knight Riders. I am now among the 8 fans of KKR. (Note that fans doesnot include team members, coach, owner etc.)

3. A few years ago, I didnt believe in sun signs. I mean, how can there be only 12 kinds of people in the world?!!
But the females in my life (includes mom, sis, neighbour, maasi, granny etc.) were bent upon changing my perception.
Today, I do agree that certain traits of certain Sun signs are similar. Anjana is a old friend, and a fellow cancerian. I realised that she thinks a lot like me. Same is true for Kunal too. Kunal is my friend from engg. Aanchal, is my blog friend, her writings always touch a chord with me. I was going through her blog the other day, and had this sudden urge to go to her orkut profile to check her birth date- turns out she's a Cancerian !
[Note to all my Engg mates: Dont go around sending friend requests to these sweet girls on orkut. Despo kahin ke! You can send friend requests to Kunal if you like though. :P]

4. A Brand new truth - For the past week months I have been making a list of the Sun Signs of my favourite people. (I am jobless, I have time.)
Now I had a feeling that I like taureans a lot apart from Cancerians of course. But we have to keep cancerians out of this list coz I am a cancerian and its easy to like people who are like you. Plus we all know crabs are too awesome to compete with the rest of the signs(What have I turned into!)
So, the point being, I knew I liked taureans, but I still needed one small push to establish that fact.
I checked Hrishitaa Bhatt's birthday - Taurean she is.

5. Bad novels, books, etc inspire me.
Like after reading Tushar Raheja's Anything for you ma'am, I felt I can write a novel.
Like after watching Delhi 6, I felt I can make a movie..
But thankfully I am not making a movie(yet), so you can relax. I cant promise the same about writing a novel though!

6. I take a lot of time to shop for stuff. Before you wonder about my estrogen levels, well, they are just fine, or nil, whatever is the norm. What I meant was, I spend a lot of time finding that perfect value for money before I swipe my card(I have a card.. how cool am I!). For instance I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite some time now, I spend 1 hr everyday looking for laptops. I try to compare them for value. Btw, if any of you readers own a laptop, kindly guide me through your comments. I intend to buy a dell, but I am open to hp, lenovo, vaio etc.

8. My favourite brand is Reebok. I think its value for money. (All I have to do now is collect my commission from Reebok. What's their contact number now?)
Btw, I own a pair of red Reebok shoes! Yeah! red!!
[Note :I am not gujju]

9. As you guys know, I never brag (hehehe) but I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs. I remember too many songs, especially from the 80s and 90s era. I also remember jingles, ads etc.... Its unhealthy I tell you. But useful nevertheless, especially if you have a girl whose face lights up every time you sing these songs..

10. I never cried to school. For me school was always fun. I used to wonder why other kids cry. Men dont cry! I guess I always had a healthy flow of testosterone through my veins. That reminds me, I have to shave now.

Phew... too much honesty for the day. From now on the posts are gonna be completely dishonest.

While we are still honest, try finding truth #7 above. More truths about me!

I have nothing to write.
Have no inspiration lately.

I open blogger wanting to write something and end up staring at the blank screen for hours like a loser...


Loser se yaad aaya, what has gotten into Kolkatta Knight Riders? Suddenly, I have new found respect for Ricky Ponting. How did he manage to win all those matches with an ass for a coach(John Buchanan).


Ass se yaad aaya, what is wrong with Imran Hashmi.. aaj-kal koi movie nahi aa rahi bande ki.. He has done more movies in the last 5 years than what Aamir Khan has done in his two decade old career.

Note that, it was Aamir Khan who held the record for maximum kisses (on screen of course) and he was conviniently replaced by Imran in his debut year.


Debut se yaad aaya, Varun Gandhi made quite a debut in Politics in and as "Pilibhit ka goonda". He went overboard with his anctics, gave communal speeches which made LK Advani and Narendra Modi sound secular. Its almost certain that Pilibhit is voting for Varun this Loksabha elections. Next LS elections we can wait for his next movie - "The return of the goonda".


Goonda se yaad aaya, did you guys know Gulshan grover is the brand ambassador for the apparels chain - "The loot".

I mean, what were the Marketing guys thinking? How could you have someone whos every third line is - "Baaaad maaan" as your brand ambassador. Wouldnt it make more sense to have someone like Ranbir Kapoor or Imran Khan as your brand ambassador if you are selling clothes? The truth is, Gulshan Grover himself doesnt like clothes much, if he did, he wouldnt rip them off the heroine in evey fifth movie. Gulshan Grover selling clothes is like Rishi Kapoor selling annual memberships for Talwalkars gym.


Gym se yaad aaya, dont you think Mayawati should join a gym. Shes getting real big and disfigured, not to mean that she was as figure-y as Madhuri Dixit when she was young, but she really needs a workout. If she reads this blog(which in all probability she does considering my popularity) she is bound to say



"Abbe budbak, main UP ki CM hoon.. Koi nahi aayega mere aur mere khaane ke beach."
"Beach? But ma'am as far as I know there is no sea or beach in UP!"
"Abbe gadhe, there is a beach.. Playground ke beachon beach."

Hehehe... er.. sorry you had to hear a joke that bad. I am a little low on intelligence(I meant today, usually I am okay). But seriously, she needs to workout. Shes turning into the symbol of her party. Arre the symbol of her party is Elephant. Itna bhi nahi jaante (Kya jhakaas knowledge hai na mera Mayawati ke baare mein!).


Elephant se yaad aya, Ramesh Powar just gained a few more pounds. Had I been the owner of Kolkatta Knight Riders, I would buy Powar for 8 crore rupees. I think hes by far the best player in IPL right now. He can single handedly win matches. How? Here goes my strategy. But this strategy works only when KKR bat first.-

Send Powar to open. That McCulluam is an idoit. Gayle-Powar should open. Make Powar run on the pitch. The pitch will crumble under his weight. When we come to bowl we have a minefield of a pitch. Make Powar open the bowling too. On a cracked pitch even Murli Karthik can be fatal, toh Powar ki toh baat hi alag hai. Powar will end up picking up 10 wickets in 4 overs.


Powar se yaad aaya, do you guys remember which bat Sachin Tendulkar used before he started using MRF ka balla? Yes guessed it right! Power!

Sachin used to feature in print ads of Power, he also used to feature in that Action shoes wala comercial - "Joota hai ya light.. joote main hai light!" Do you know who was the girl in that commercial? Socho socho.. shenaz!! Yeah, that Ishq Vishq wali girl.. She played Shahid Kapoor's girlfriend, second girlfriend actually.. The first one was that Parkinsson disease wali girl, whats her name, yeah, Amrita Rao, she shakes her head a lot when she delivers her dialogues, next time, kindly note.


Note se yaad aaya, MBA education is very costly yaar.. Majak-majak mein bahut kharcha hone wala hai. And because of this recession I am not even sure if I will be able to recover the money that I have put in. The condition is bad for guys like me who have all their earnings in white. Now only if I had done some ghootala or something, I would have a lot of black money to splurge...


Black se yaad aaya, Obama (I am so racist ) should come up with something to resurrect this recession thingy. He should take our PM's help if necessary, afterall Manmohan singh is by far the best Finance minister we had.

If Obama can have a cup of tea with him, they will definitely come up with some solution. All we need is some Tea, marie biscuits and some baat-cheet...


Baat se yaad aaya, I have to take a bath.. Bahut din ho gaye..


Warnings:
1.Reading this post can cause temporary neuron damage. What? You already read it and are cursing your friend who recommended you this blog? Please dont, your friend's intentions were good, mine werent!
2.This blog takes no responsibility for the low marks scored by Delhi students(rest of India is done with exams) due to the brain damage caused by this post. Title se yaad aaya...

Short story


Back in the 9th grade, asking a girl out for a movie was a big deal.. Since the advent of puberty, your voice had already started to crack.. It cracked even more when you had to ask that cute girl out for a movie.. Now this is 1999 I am talking about.. It wasnt easy to get the girl u like to go out with you then,..... to be honest, its still difficult..

So you knew this cute girl, long hair, lovely eyes you could lose yourself in, got dimples everytime she smiled.. So if you wanted to ask her out for a movie, the conversation with her would go something like this -
"umm.. did you watch that movie - Dil Se?"
Note that SRK was her favourite actor, so it made sense to mention his movie, even though you thought the movie was a dud and you better spend the evening watching Undertaker wrestle Bam-bam-Bigalo..
"not yet"
"oh.. would you.. I mean.. like to"(the voice cracks up here) "I mean.. watch it with me..er.. this Sunday.."
She suddenly realises that hes asking her out.. she turns on her girlie radar, which essentially means shes gonna act full bhavkhao..
"umm.. I dont know.. My dad wont allow..you know.. alone.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You wanna ask, how can we be alone if we are together.. But you dont..

"Oh.. but we are not going alone..Your friends are coming too" An obvious lie.. But good thinking nevertheless..
"Who all?"
Think of names.. names..
"Suchitra, and Rajesh.. and Prajakta and..." You name 5-6 names that you know are her friends..
"thats good, I think I can ask my dad then.."
Whoopieee...

What follows next is trying to convince the 6 friends of her(whose names you mentioned) to come with you.. You lure them with free popcorn (kamine kahin ke) and they finally agree.

Then comes the booking of tickets.. Note that this is the time when there was no online booking.. So you had to stand in a long queue to get the advance booking.. You manage to get 8 tickets.. You take great care to ensure that two out of them are corner seats..
"Uncle corner seats diya na?"
"Haan yaar.."
You hear him telling the next in line - "Aaj-kal bacche bhi corner seat maangte hain" hehehe..

Finally Sunday arrives.. You get up early(which you usually dont), take a bath(which you usually do), apply half a bottle of perfume and reach the theatre..

She comes on time, but with her Dad in tow. Her dad drives his Maruti 800(we had only Maruti and Fiat back then) in through the theatre parking and almost runs you down.. Now these dads are the villainous types.. The problem is they had been teenagers once and know exactly what dirty things go on in the scum brain of the testosterone driven monster who asked his daughter out..

Her dad steps out of the door of the car and slams it.. These dad types work as managers in a MNC usually, and wear a tie to work, but when it comes to meeting his daughters male friend, he wears the unshaven look and lungi..
"Pappa, hes my friend, Abhi"
You look at pretty her, then look at her Dad.. And you wonder, how could someone like him make something this beautiful..
"Halla"
"Hello sir.."
Women enjoy this.. They want you to meet their dads.. Its their way of saying - "See, this man is my favourite person in the world, and if you can stand up to him, only then you have a chance with me.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You enter the hall, you make sure that you get the corner seats for yourself..You buy enough popcorn for her friends to be occupied... The lights dim.. Vicco Vajradanti ad plays.. The movie starts.. SRK starts jumping on a train.. Chal Chaiyaan Chaiyaan.. You are least interested in the song or in the movie for that matter.. You are interested in the cute girl sitting next to you.. You want to hold her hand.. no, not hold, just touch initially..

Clouds of nervousness loom over you, your palms become sweaty.. you wipe them on the thigh your jeans.. then all of a sudden, in a moment of gutsy drive, you touch her hand..

She pulls it back, almost like a reflex, then looks at you with wide eyes and a smile playing on her lips.. like shes amused, and she didnt expect you to do something like that.. Even in that dark hall, her eyes twinkle..

They should put them in jail for that..

The movie ends, you saw the movie only in bits and pieces, still it will be one of the best remembered movies of your life.. You start walking out of the dimly lit hall into the dimly lit parking.. When all her friends have left, she stands on her toes to reach your ear and whispers "thank you".. It will be ages before you understand the meaning...




Its 2009 and a lotta things have changed.. There are no single theatres now, Maruti has stopped manufacturing 800, popcorn is costlier than what was the ticket those days, even SRK sometimes comes up with meaningful cinema, but one thing hasnt changed, its still damn difficult to ask her out..

"Wanna..er.. watch a movie on Sunday?"
"Lemme see if I am free"
There she goes again..
"Oh comeon"
"hehe.. okay, which one?"
"How does it matter? hahaha"
It takes her a full two minutes to understand the joke behind that one...

She lands 4-5 playful punches, out of which two hurt..

Anyway, the movie starts.. Now that you are 23, you think it must get easier for you.. But it doesnt!..

You still get all nervous, your palms become sweaty.. It is still needs a lotta planning to put your arm across her shoulder.. You touch her hand.. this time she doesnt pull it away.. But she still gives that amused-mischievous look...Like after all these years she still doesnt expect you to hold her hand..

They should put them in jail for that...

The movie ends and the credits start rolling. You leave the hall with her.. You two walk through the huge driveway, sparsely crowded at this time of the night.. She walks closer to you than she normally does.. She holds your hand.. Theres something amazing bout that touch.. It seems to say that she trusts you and has complete faith in you... And it says that she knows you will keep her happy..

Her touch makes you feel strong.. responsible.. pure.. loved.. all at the same time.. as she walks close to you, holding your arm, she rests her head on your shoulder.. And you have the world..

"Thank you"... is all you can whisper in her ear..

She looks at you...smiles.. her eyes swell up with love... a drop finds its way to her cheek..

They should put them in jail for that... They should put them in jail for that..

Scene 1:
Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day
Timeline : Last year of college (2007)
Characters: Two cool college kids, Two weird office goers


Why are we alone?
We are not alone. We cant be alone if we are together.
Okay ass, I meant why dont we have girlfriends?
Oh, thats because the good ones chose the dorks
Yeah.. neckless, fat, geeky dorks
Hey! We can be neckless fat and geeky, if it gets us girls that is..
Well, we are already geeky..
I am not..
Yes you are..
Yeah I am.. I know..
So all we have to become is neckless and fat..
I dont think it is fair..
Even I dont think it is fair.. but what?
They show girls swooning over Hrithik Roshan on TV, but then they go and settle for dorks like these in real life. I mean, what happened to survival of the handsomest..
Yeah I know.. My mom says I look like Hrithik.
Dont take your mom too seriously..
Oh comeon.. I do!
No, you dont.. actually you do, only hes taller and more.. whats the word.. yeah.. awesome!
You sound like a girl right now..
I know, but you can definitely pass off as Uday Chopra..
Damn you..

Pointing to two office goers sitting at a table across the cafe.
Now look at those two guys there.. We look better than they do, dont we?
We sure do.. I mean we can beat them in the looks dept any day.
Yeah, look at them. Peter England office shirts, Arrow flat trousers and office handbag.
Looks more like a purse that handbag of theirs if you ask me..
They look as if they came with a tag - since 1929
Hehe.. good one.. And look at us, cool wrist band, Levi's jeans, Reebok shirts and i-pump shoes..
Hey when did you buy them shoes?
Monday.
And you didnt tell me?
Tell you? what are we? girls?
Oh yeah.. sorry. Are those guys waiting for someone?
Yeah.. I bet they have girlfriends too.
These guys? since 1929 guys? No ways!
I bet 100..
deal..
Just then 2 pretty girls entered the cafe and walked up to them. They could hear them.
"Shall we leave boys?", said the first one.
"We ll be late for the movie", said the other one.
The guys paid the bill and started moving out, with their respective girls.
See? See? Hail me as your king! Pay up you dumbass.
Damn you ass****
He removed Rs. 100 from his wallet and thrusted it onto his friend's palm.

He said the word "Damn" loud enough for one of the guys, who was now opening the door for his girl, to hear him. He looked back at the college kids and smiled. He pulled her close to him and whispered something in her ear. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. Then the four of them left.



Scene 2:
Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day
Timeline : First year of the job (2008)
Characters: Two weird college kids, Two cool office goers

Hows work?
Cool. Hows yours?
Cool.
Hows everyone at home?
What? You never used to ask that!
Really? Hmm.
Got a promotion btw.
Hmm.. that means you pay for today's movie.
Damn you.
I paid the first installment of the car, did I tell you?
Hmm.. Your dad, didnt ask you to pay, did he?
No, but I thought I could pay half for him. That way it would be easier for him.
Hmm.. we are planning to buy a house too..
In mulund?
No re, its out of reach now. Maybe in Thane. Now that I make money too, my parents can afford it..
Man! We are paying installements, buying flats.. We are growing up!!!

Pointing to two college kids sitting at a table across the cafe.
Remember when we were like them?
Whats with those shoes and whats with the hairstyle these kids have nowadays?
Yeah.. and look at their jeans. One more of his size can fit into those!! And they think they look "cool"!
Hehehe.. weirdos..
Its 6:45.. Why do they always have to be this late..
Its evolutionary.. Its in the bible..
What the? The bible doesnt allow women to come late..
Arre it does! Even the first woman "Eve" came only after Adam got really bored.
Hehehe.. Your sense of humour has gone down the drain.
shut up dumbass..

Just then two pretty girls entered the cafe.
"Hello boys", one said.
"Are we late?", the other asked.
No babe.
"Lets leave, dont wanna miss the starting"


The guys paid the bill and started walking out when one of them overheard one of the college kid swearing at the other.
He looked back at the kids, the kid wearing a green nike shirt thrusted a 100 rupee note in the hands of the other kid. He smiled at them.

He held her hand and pulled her close to him. He whispered in her ear -
"You see those two guys sitting there. I think, they had a bet whether we had girlfriends or not. The guy in the green shirt lost."
"How can you be sure about the bet thing", she asked.
"Coz I have been there "

She looked at him amused. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. The four of them left.


________________________________________________

I tried to experiment with some stuff here. If you notice, there are around 6 characters in Scene 1 and 6 characters in Scene 2, two of them are common. So in all, there are like 10 characters. I have tried to make sense without naming even a single character.
Kindly let me know if this story makes sense of should I make it more understandable. A lot can happen over coffee : A twist

Last week I watched Outsourced on Star Movies. I just happened to arrive on the channel when the movie was just starting.

To be honest, I expected a Slumdog from Outsourced. Fortunately, I was wrong. In the first 15 minutes of the movie, there is a scene in which the central character Todd(the superb Josh Hamilton) is trying to catch a train running along the platform with his heavy suitcase. Another guy starts running along with him, picks up his suitcase, and helps Todd get in the train. Knowing the gora's idea(Danny and Co's idea actually) of India and its people I expected him to run away with the suitcase then and there. When he respectfully places the suitcase in the compartment running along the platform, I couldnt help feel ashamed of myself, that I thought like that about a fellow Indian. I also felt bad that I had so conveniently thought that all firangs were narrow-minded idiots.

I am not much of a movie person. My idea of heaven is a huge plasma TV with all sitcom titles available on a hard drive. But 15 mins into Outsourced, and I knew I had a movie on my hands.

The movie is hilarious. It is essentially a situational comedy. This movie is about Todd (whom the Indians call Mr.Toad) who gets an assignment of training his counterpart in India. How he first resists India and at last falls in love with her forms the plot. But its not the story but the characters, the screenplay and the brilliant dialogues which make it enjoyable.

Like this one -
Indian : What is your good name sir?
Todd(bewildered): Good?
Most Indians will get the joke. We say - "aapka shubh(good) naam kya hai?".We very conveniently convert the hindi into english, word by word!

Then there is this scene about holi, when Todd's Indian colleague asks him not to come out of his house...
Todd: But why?
Colleague: Because today is holi, sir!
Todd: Holy what?
Colleague: Only holi!! The festival of colours.
What follows after that is fun.. teenagers throwing water balloons at Todd and him throwing back a few of his own.

Outsourced does a marvellous job of staying away from cliches, characters are excellently sketched, its difficult to find caricatures in this movie.

There is fantastic scene where Asha(Ayesha Dharker), who plays a bpo agent, has to sell a product to an American.
American customer: I lost my job because of you.
Asha: Well, I cant do anything about it sir, but if you want I can give you the website of a company which has its customer service agents in the US and offers the same product.
Am customer: Well, would the price be the same?
Asha: No sir, it will be $212 more.
Am customer : What the heck, send me your product.

Man, it does sound very kiddie at first, but when you think about it, its so damn cool!

The problem with Slumdog Millionaire was that it treated India as a Third World country. I have no problems with that. We are that, accepted. But we are not only that! Theres is a lot more to this country than slums, beggars, people who scoop childrens eyes out, slumlords, slumlords who become real estate barons, bpo agents who leave their seat to dial Kaun Banega Crorepati's number.. I am sure there are people like that. But there is a small number of people like that.

In a country like India, even exceptions run into millions.

Maybe slumdog was a story of those millions but the way it projected India made it sound like there were a billion slumdogs in this country. Everyone who is reading this post in their college or in the comfort of their homes or in an internet cafe know thats not true.

A friend once asked me what place I would like to visit atleast once in my life...I said I wanted to visit Sweden. Now I know no more about Sweden than Danny Boyle knows about Mulund, but I really wanna visit that country. The reason being that I read real nice things about the place in the book - "Catch me if you can" by Frank Abagnale Jr. There are about 15 lines about Sweden in there, and you fall in love with the place.

You know one place that I was scared of? - Rio De Janeiro. I saw the movie Cidade de Deus which is about the mafia in Rio. It took Dhoom 2 to change my perception about the place.

Doesnt Outsourced have its own share of slums and slumdogs? Yes it does.
There is a scene in the first 30 mins of the movie where a slum kid steals Todd's cellphone. My sister and my mom, who were watching the movie, clucked their tongues feeling bad at the way a kid was shown stealing. But the kid returns the cellphone in the end, not only that he decorates it with coloured designs.

Todd falls in love with India, like most Indians do.. Even the ones who keep saying - "is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta", "sab chalta hai", guys who travel in local trains during rush hour, executives who lose precious time stuck in traffic, a beggar at a traffic signal, a couple who cant hold hands coz there are too many people around, a student who applies for MS in the US, an Indian who currently stays in the US but still longs to return - everyone.. everyone.. once in their life, falls in love with this beautiful country.

And so does Todd.. When he gets called over to have lunch in the slum, when his manager brings special American food for him coz his stomach is upset due to all the Indian food, when the slumkid returns his decorated cellphone, when he falls in love with Asha - everytime..., he falls in love with India.

I hoped Slumdog wouldnt win the Oscar. But then it won. I have no problems with it winning the oscar, except this -
20 years down the line, my 15 year old son is gonna come to me and rave about how cool the 1997 Oscar winner Titanic is!!
"Hey Pop! Saw Titanic last night.. 1997 Oscar winner aint it?"
"Yeah, its really cool.. Its a classic"
"I wanna see the 2008 Oscar winner now- Slumdog Millionaire"
I was wondering what would I say - Would I ask him not to watch it coz the movie is a skewed depiction of us or Would I allow him to watch it coz a man needs to form his own opinions.
And what if I do allow and he comes to me asking me - "Pop! You lived in Mumbai right? India was such a Shithole!!"
I would want to tell him that, thats the way a group of smart asses in the West perceived us back then, but not everyone did. If you want to see India through the eyes of unbiased westerner, and dont mind the fact that a bunch of bozos found his view too unscandalous to give it any award - go watch Outsourced

SM will do to people what Cidade did to me. Thankfully Outsourced is around to change their perception.



"Outsourced" soup for the "slumdoged" soul!

When I was very young, probably in the fourth or the fifth grade, my dad would pack me downstairs with a small bucket full of water balloons to play holi with my friends. Now as far as I remember, I was a shy guy (arre sacchi!). I didnt have many friends. So while all the other kids would be busy colouring each other, a drawing class gone wrong, I would wonder how to enter the colour fest. I mean how do you go about throwing water balloons at people you dont know very well. I used to stand in the corner wondering how to get into the commotion. After half an hour of standing there, I would turn around to go back home, but just so that I dont look like a complete loser to my dad, I would throw a few balloons on cars, and a few on myself, to look the part. Then I would return home, soaked in the colour of three balloons I splashed myself with, take a bath and have puranpoli for lunch.

What I didnt know is that my dad used to watch me from our third floor apartment, while I went on throwing balloons on cars and drenching myself in colour. He didnt say a word.


My best holi were the ones I played with my cousins. The night before the holi day, we sat in the bathroom stocking ammunition. I filled balloons with water using my new nagraj brand pichkari, while Aroop expertly tied knots to the balloons. He had names for all types of knots. Floppy knot, army knot, super knot..
"Arre main aisa knot bandhega na, Michael Jackson bhi nahi khol paayega", Aroop used to say.
"Michael Jackson kaun hai?", I asked. I didnt have cable then. My favourite shows included Phulwari bachon ki on DD1.
"Abbe Michael Jackson nahi malum? kya dance karta hai bey woh.."
Its amazing how highly kids thought of him. And who can blame them, I mean of the 6.5 billion people in the world, how many have turned snow white from jet black?
Aroop(I know you are secretly reading this), you were such a showoff! :P But not his mistake entirely if you ask me, this is what cable Tv did to a lotta boys during the 90s.


Our colony, had two cricket groups the "bade log" and the "chotte log". My problem was that I fell in the age group which was common to both. But I chose to play in the chotte log, coz they played underarm cricket and I didnt know how to bowl overarm then and also it was easier to win there. What? Dont judge me! I like to win!

I shifted base to bade log at the start of the 7th std. I had taken a liking to overarm cricket inspite of the fact that I was terrible at batting and couldnt bowl 6 legitimate deliveries without giving away 20 extras. Anyhow, it was Bablu, who was usually the captain of my side, who had deep rooted confidence in me. How else do you explain a newbie bowler like me getting the first over in every match. As I excelled in the following years, it was as much as a triumph for him as it was for me. I have opened bowling several times now, even so for my team in college, but it still doesnt compare with the thrill that I used to experience when Bablu tossed me the ball.
Over the years I have taken Bablu's place and tried to do for kids like Debu and Nachiket what Bablu did for me. Its such a high to see them grow into such good players.


During my engineering, holi became just another holiday. Last year when I worked with Siemens, it ceased to be even that. I spent the that holi in the office. Ofcourse we did throw a little customary colour around. Too bad our German boss took a leave that day (clever fellow), we had decided to give him a taste of Indian festivities (if you know what I mean). So we spent the day working a little and forwarding mails a lot, which is good thing, coz the next day I had my friends (who worked in Indian companies which were more considerate to their needs of soaking themselves in colour on holi) send me queries like -
"Dude? yesterday wasnt a holiday??"
To which I replied - "Nahi re, was in the office. "
"hehe, dude!! no holiday on holi-day?? hehe he"(yeah, thats the level of jokes we crack)
"No re, had to work.. Have to finish this project before the German boss leaves for home. If I dont the assembly line in Berlin will have serious problems. Thousands of euros down the drain I tell you."
"Doood!!!"
He was in deep awe. He must have thought that I was the VP (Assembly lines) Siemens AG. Here, it should be noted that he was an IT guy and for him assembly lines was pretty much the lines we stood in before the morning prayer back in school.
But I did hear him telling my other friends - "Abbe! Arshat kaam karta hai bey!!"(his eyes and the eyes of the one hearing this statement as big as saucers)


Last confession - I will be celebrating this holi with my cousins, it gonna be fun. I know for a fact that Aroop's favourite isnt MJ any more. So I wont get any - "Abbe Michael Jackson nahi malum? kya dance karta hai bey woh..". He might ask me questions on Metallica though- showoff I tell you :P
My dad is abroad so he wont be joining us. But I would be cool even if he was there. Coz now whatever happens, I wont splash myself with balloons to look the part...

Happy Holi everyone.






















My 2007 holi post here
Of Holi and that confession thingy

Biological clockitis is a dangerous condition which affects men around the age 25. It can strike anywhere between 22 years and 29 years.

The first case reported can be traced back to stone age. Stoneman Hakunuma, who was 18 and still unmarried, was suffering from severe biological clockitis. Most of his friends had married by 14(this is the stoneage we are talking about) and were proud fathers of 3 kids on an average. Everytime Hakunuma looked at their pretty daughters wearing frocks made of deer skin and earrings made of sea shells, he was struck by Biological clockitis.


I am struck by Biological clockitis. My biological clock is ticking, or so it seems. I see kids everywhere. In my colony, in malls, railway stations, everywhere.. There are times when I wonder where did they all come from all of a sudden.. I keep looking at cute girls in frilly pink frocks and pink hairbands.. Sometimes, rarely that is, I do manage to charm a few of them and get to pinch their cheeks or unruffle their hair, but thats about it.. Most of the times I just keep looking at them

You so want a kid, dont u?
Well, no ones looking, lets take this one..
freaks her out totally..



Symptoms
You look at cute kids even when you are with friends.. Even when they are discussing topics as interesting as Sehwag's receding hairline and its remedies, you cant stop looking at the cute 5 year old kid who just went past you.
You have this unexplainable urge to lift her up and plant a peck on her cheek.
You spend more time looking at cute kids than looking at the pretty one you are with.(Detrimental to your plans of actually having a kid, I tell you)


I dont wanna have a daughter. I want a son. Well before you spell male chauvinist pig, let me explain why..

You see, having a daughter is really tough. Things are alright till they are 12 and usually use adjectives like ewww and yuck for boys, things cant be better, trust me.
But then, they turn 13, yeah, this is one more reason the number 13 is dreaded the world over, hormones kick in and suddenly she starts finding boys interesting, she starts associating the words - cute, cool and butt with boys.

Butt... hmm.. tht reminds me, if internet is still the "in" thing in the year 2025, and if you are the guy whos presently dating my daughter(reading this post), whispering sweet nothings in my daughter's ears, well trust me, I ll kick your butt so hard, that you ll smell shoe leather for weeks..
(Hmm.. that should reduce his testosterone levels for now)

Okay! So let me get this straight - u like these cute girls with ponies and pink clips, but you dont want a daughter?
Correct.. I dont wanna have a daughter. I like these girls coz they are not my daughters. They are someone elses' daughter. I like someone elses' daughter, for example, well, lets say- You.. You are someone elses' daughter, and i like u..
Here he goes again..
Speaking of pink clips, why dont you get one? will look cute...

Causes
Increased estrogen levels.. Simple! I have increased estrogen levels and that is why I am suffering from Biological clockitis. Now dont you dare call me girlie, or call stoneman Hakunuma girlie for that matter. We are/were(since Hakunuma is no more) nice strong men with a phenomenal desire for Scarlett Johanson(yeah baby).



We have decent facial hair growth, though not as much as Suniel Shetty does. We drink directly out of the carton unless our mothers/sisters are present around, coz they dont "allow" us to.

Recommended Diet-
Looking at pictures of Arnold, Suniel Shetty and watching non-sensical movies like Jo bole so nihal is recommended.


Keep away from girls aged 3 to 7, infact use this oppurtunity to concentrate your energies on girls aged 21 to 23..
Dont charm a girl aged 3 to 7 to shake hands with you, never accept a peck on the cheek from pretty girls with pretty pink frocks, and under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you let them sit on your lap. If you do, you will reach the last stage of Biological clockitis and before you know it, you will be applying for Santa's post in Malls..

Treatment
Well, there is no treatment really. The only treatment is to get your own kid.. And that is a long procedure.. Though stealing is an option.. :P So I suggest you wait till your parents start seeing you as a potential grandchildren manufacturer and get you hitched.. or work on the recommended diet to lower your estrogen levels.


Let me try and influence you now- with sons, u get them to teach them swing bowling and kick-boxing. You get to discuss about world issues and Pamela anderson.. You get to play games on PS2 and beat them, you get to beat them at chess and beat them at cricket and monopoly, see? just talking bout it makes me feel better.. Darn, sounds more like I want a playmate than a son.. :P

Now, just to be fair, lets also look at the pros of having a daughter. They are pretty, provided they dont get my looks. They hug you when you come back from office, they tell you how much they missed you and stuff when you come back home from a long business trip. You can make sit on your lap and tell her stories bout princes, glass slippers and pumpkins. Also, its always okay to kiss a daughter, no matter what age she is, which is not so in case of a son, unless you are Italian, ofcourse.

Fathers want their boys to behave like men as soon as they stop pooping in their pants, but their daughters always remain their little girls - thats where the phrase "Daddy's little girl" comes from. Ever heard "Daddy's little boy"? Sounds supergay if you ask me.


The cons are too many.. I spent all my time and genes to help her become what she is, and then some guy comes along and takes her away.. I no longer get to run the show.. No longer am I her #1. Some guy who she met yesterday sweeps her off her feet and gets to keep her all her life. The father, has to live without her. I have seen fathers cry when their girls leave them, to spend the rest of her life with the man shes in love with, to lose her surname and to take up his. They say girls grow up fast. Thats so not true. Girls grow up only as fast as boys, its only that fathers dont want their daughters to grow up.. They always want them to be their small girls... I have seen fathers cry. I cant be them. I cant be them.

_____________________________________

This is lovely father-daughter song. Check it out here. Thanks to Purnima for this one.
Biological clockitis

Its the season of awards.. I have been awarded this new one by one of my favourite bloggers - Bullshee. Now two of my favourite people in the blogworld- Bullshee and Chriz have awarded me. (Note: If you wanna be my favourite ppl, pls award me. It can be any lame award. I dont mind till its an award.)

Obviously, there are rules to every award. For eg. - you dont cry when you receive a national award for your movie, but you are allowed to, infact it is expected of you to cry when you receive a Filmfare.. Anyway, here goes..

How to do this:

a. Put the image on your blog
b. List 10 truths about yourself
c. Give the award to 5 other people
d. Provide meaningful quotation

Tilt your necks.. It says what it says.. Fucking Fabulous Blog.. Gee..My blog is fabulous..

Now before you guys start going chee chee and start thinking of me as someone who goes on rampantly using the F word, well let me tell you that I am very very well-mannered. I dont use the F word. My mechanical engineering mates can now stop laughing. I meant I dont use the word when I am around girls (eg: my mom and my sister). Anyway, now that I have got my award, let me list in 10 truths about myself...

1. I am ALWAYS right.. Yeah.. That is the..er..the truth.. Or atleast I think its the truth. Hmm.. truth is such a confusing word.. Umm.. let us stick to objectifiable truths... so here goes the REAL list..



1. I was a first bencher in my Junior college days (Thats 11th and 12th for you Delhi guys). I topped the class for like 8 exams in a row. I was a geek. So all you guys who look up to me(all 3 of you) for my Stud-liness, well I was pretty ordinary not too long ago!

2. My inspiration for blogging was Gaurav Sabnis. To be honest, I didnt think I would last more than 3 weeks in the blog world. It has been over two years now! Read his old posts, they were fun. The new ones are, well, boring..

3. I have never been able to dedicate myself to working out. I have started and given up a couple of times. I sometimes look at my Hrithik Roshan like well rounded arms and Akshay Kumar like flat abs and wonder if I really need to work out!

4. I have a very very rare taste in women. Only my sister has been able to decode what I like in women. She can look at a girl on TV and tell if I like her. It is difficult coz very few girls catch my fancy.. I got a wide range! - Hrishita Bhat, Alyssa Milano, Dona Ganguly, Nafisa Ali, Revathy, Sonali Bendre, Sonam Kapoor..

5. I only travel Business class. There are some perks you have when your dad works for a Airline co.

6. I wanted to be a doctor till my 11th grade. Then I was introduced to biology(the subject) and gave up the dream for good. I am glad I took this decision, engineering is not that bad... Only regret is that I cant have a "B.E." in front of my name like doctors have a "Dr.". Also I dont get to say something like - "I am sorry.. Humne poori koshish ki, lekin usse nahi bacha paaye". Not to mention that girls dig hot doctors, engineers are too common, aur kyun na ho, today every Tom, Dick and Patil wants to be an engineer.

7. I have a weird memory. All data involving dates, time etc is automatically corrupted as soon as it enters my brain(that explains why I didnt call u on your bday, you know who you are). On the other hand, I remember lyrics of songs from hindi movies from 90s.. For eg- The Prabhu Deva starer - Humse hai Muquabla. I can sing Urvashi Urvashi at 4 o clock in the morning. Infact I was threatened with dire consequences by my society secretary after I did that once...

8. I share my birthday with Sunil Gavaskar and have also met him. I met him at London Airport, back then I didnt know we shared birthdays!
And I taught him to play the pull stroke... er.. okay, thts a lie...

9. I smoked my first cigarette when I was in my last year of engineering... I wanted to find out what the fuss was about. I smoked a couple cigarettes to be doubly sure before I decided that it sucks, literally. I tried beer once, and I think it tastes like horse piss.. (Do I see Bullshee bashing me up?). I like the taste of vodka, essentially coz it got no taste. But even vodka is a waste of money. The first time I had around 180ml of it, nothing happened.. I ended up solving RAC problems all night long and topped the test the next day in college. I think I was a geek even in Engg college. Dunno exactly when I transformed into such a stud.. Hmm..

10. Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies make me all misty.. Yeah, only misty.. Coz I dont cry.. Men dont cry.. They hunt duck, eat raw meat, drink from the carton but they dont cry.
My all time favourite Dad-son, Grandfather-grandson movies are Life is Beautiful and Wide Awake..


I am done for the day.. Too much honesty there.. I assure you hereon I will only come up with interesting dishonest stuff.. This honesty is too much to handle I tell ya!

Heres giving the award to 5 of my people who I think deserve the award.

Santoshwho I know he will come up with something exciting
Chriz - the nuttiest blogger in town
Nupur has no pretense
Harish who has taken a liking to writing
Anjana - the newest entrant


Now for the (meaningful) quote
The more cheese is there.. The more holes are there...
The more holes are there.. The less cheese is there..
Hence, the more cheese is there.. The less cheese is there.. ;)


Speaking of awards, I have been nominated for the best Mumbai blogger .. Hum aapka vote maangne aaye hain!
If you think this blogger deserves to be in the list please vote. How to vote?
1.Register yourself first (I know, such a pain).
2. Log in here!
3. Vote for your favourite blog here (er..that is my blog I hope!)

The one who votes the most for me gets..well.. er.. a chance to meet me!! that too in private!(yeah baby!)

Take care people! The awards just keep on coming...

Its been ages since I last posted on my blog. There are blogwebs (yeah, I can be funny.. or er.. atleast try to be) hanging around my blog. So I decided to clean up in here.



Short Story

kapli kapli kapli*.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..

In Mumbai, Kites light up the blue sky a week before Sankranti(the festival of kites).... You will get to see all kinds of kites, big, small, the ones with one tail, the ones without tails (the tail is said to stabilize the kite). Among all these kites, was the king of kites. The big red kite with looong tail. It was twice as big as normal mortal kites that we kids had. That big red kite belonged to Tarun.



It was Tarun, who had cut my newest orange kite, after which the slum kids were now running..
*means "Its been cut" in marathi



Tarun lived in a building next to mine. Tarun's kite personified Tarun. Tarun was twice as big as "normal" kids. I was in the 6th grade then and he was in the 8th, but he touched a staggering 6 feet. He had moved in from Aurangabad 3 years ago in the building next to ours.

My friends, Tanay and Sujit both in the fourth grade, two years younger to me, gave me the dope on Tarun.
Tanay told me, "Arre, Aurangabad mein sab log Undertaker jitna tall hota hai"
To this Sujit said, "kya paka raha hai bey, Undertaker world ka tallest aadmi hai"
Clearly Sujit was a Undertaker fan..
Rajesh dada, who was Sujit's elder brother later told me that Tarun had failed 8th grade 3 times, in Aurangabad. Tarun should have been in the 11th grade with him.

Tarun was a bully. And he sucked at football. But always wanted to be the centre forward. While playing he would push the defenders of the opposite team. Once he hit Tanay who was the goalkeeper of my team. I pushed Tarun back, he kicked me on the shin with his studs...I punched him in the gut.. What followed was a round of punching and kicking, mostly him punching and kicking me. We decided to keep him out of all games after that.


The orange kite was the 5th kite that Tarun had cut that Sankranti week. I kept trying to cut his kite, but that seemed next to impossible.. There was a legend that Tarun's red kite could not be cut. He had the same kite since the last 3 sankrantis. Thats 3 years! Tanay and Sujit had some gyan to share on this one too..

"He has 10 more kites of the same colour at home. He cant be using the same kite since 3 years now, can he?", Tanay said
"Arre hes good, I am telling you na.. They teach kite-flying in schools in Aurangabad", Sujit said.
"Nahi re, its the manja* that he uses. Something fishy about it ", Tanay added
"He applies coal tar on it, I have heard", said Sujit.
* kite string

I believed every word they said. Infact they even tried to come up with plans to take the red kite down. Ofcourse, their plans mostly involved spaceships and aliens coming to our rescue..

Meanwhile Tarun kept on taking down my kites. I couldnt stay up for more than 5 minutes. He would close in to my kite and cut it down.



That Diwali, I visited my native. I was there for 10 days or so. Everytime I visit the native, there is Babya to keep me company. Now Babya is atleast 10 years elder to me, but then as it happens in villages, innocence stays with you for a long time. So when I was 13, he must have been 23,but we were great friends. I asked him if he knew how to fly kites.
"Arre champion hoto me" I was a champion he said in his adulterated gavti marathi..
"Will you teach me?"
"Kashala? Manja ne hath kapli na"Why? Manja will cut your hand.

I persisted and he like all good friends was ready to help.

For the next 10 days he taught me all the tricks that there were to learn, my favourite being the 'Dip-n-lift'. In this trick, you have to let go of the manja, let the kite dip and then all of a sudden with all your might pull the manja so that the kite rises up and cuts the string of your competitors kite.. But its a dangerous trick because if not done correctly, you might lose control and consequently your kite. But more importantly, this trick almost always cuts your finger. When I left my native that november night, I gifted him a spool of manja and two kites.


That Sankranti I climbed up the terrace with my two tailed half pink and half yellow kite.. I saw Tarun standing on the terrace of the neighbouring building flying his red kite with the long tail... I checked the direction of the wind as Babya had shown me and then started to fly the kite.. Barely five minutes later I had Tarun's red kite closing in. I tried to escape him.. I wanted to practice the dip-n-lift a couple of times before actually trying it out on Tarun. I tugged the manja towards the left, the kite rushed towards the right away from the red kite. Tarun followed the kite. Again I tugged at the string, my kite drifted towards right.. Again Tarun's kite followed me.

He got on the top of me, ready to cut my new kite... suddenly I let go.. I gave the dheel.. The kite started dipping.. Tarun seemed confused. That was enough for me.. I pulled the manja with all the strength my right hand could gather.. My pink-yellow kite soared into the sky, tearing the air apart, like a rocket does.... and then- snap! I heard it.. I swear I did!

Know when you prick a balloon? It happened to me. I could see Tanay on the terrace of the building far north dancing like there where ants in his pants.. Sujit was with him, he was doing the cartwheel.. I looked down at my feet.. There were two drops of blood.. and then the third one.. my index finger was cut and was bleeding..

I looked at Tarun standing on the adjacent terrace. He looked like he was gonna cry.. I looked at the manja in his hand.. It was slack! Then for the first time, I looked towards the sky... There was my kite!! I did it..!! I cut Tarun's kite..

kapli kapli kapli.. The kids of the zhopadpatti ran..



P.S. - Inspired from Khalied Hosseini's The kite runner... The kite fighters...